my life as a bumble bee

in reverse order

2010-05-19T07:33:00.008+09:00

I went down south this weekend. A four hour ride in a rickety old train and we found ourselves stepping out into a small farming town peppered with traces of a very ancient Korea.

Seoul is a mega city; almost half of the population of the entire nation resides in this entanglement of buildings, cars, wires, and people. Seoul represents a big portion of Korea's impression on the world. High tech city, arts, fashion, cell phones, LG, Samsung, Kia, Hyundai, and kimchi. But there is another forgotten part; the countryside. Sitting almost untouched by the hand of development and commercialization, the history is projected by the living and breathing people who consume these smaller cities. Generations of laboring in the hot sun is etched into every wrinkle of their shrunken faces. Whereas a thriving population of young and old inhabit the mega city, it's quite a different scene outside of its boarders. The most prominent faces you see are much older, much, much older.

Over 50 years ago, Korea was dirt poor; an agrarian society that had survived through an occupation almost stripping them of their identity and a war that just about broke them. The story of Korea's growth is definitely one for the books, and one that is studied by ambitious countries hoping to find their own Lucky Gold (LG) pot.

I'm finding it hard to put my thoughts into words, I suppose it's because I haven't been sleeping, but also because I don't write anymore. All I really wanted to say is that I seriously love every part outside of Seoul. I love that there's so much life and history that has been carried through the generations. You can see and feel this sense of...I don't know what it is, but something that is so void in the city.

It's the pace. I love the pace and the peacefulness. Here's a few captures from what Seoullites unaffectionately term the "shegwol" (countryside) of Korea. Enjoy :)

Sky Park

2010-05-06T12:46:00.004+09:00

Some shots I took at 하늘 공원 (sky park) across from the World Cup Stadium.

Moloko - The Time Is Now

2010-04-28T23:14:00.000+09:00

An oldie but a goodie...reminds me of driving through oc in the middle of the night. Volume up, windows down, with the faint smell of moist lawns from the sprinklers and a distant sea breeze twirling through my spaceship...35 more days!!!

crumbling stones

2010-04-27T11:11:00.006+09:00

I stood staring at this building for the longest time.

Last week, while I was waiting on some friends to see the Steve McCurry exhibition, I took a walk around the area. I turned into a little alley and was instantly smacked in the face with the smell of sizzling food. It was lunch time.

As I was sauntering down the street, I came across this building. I couldn't stop staring at it. I kept wishing that the contemporary structure behind it would somehow vanish. Apparently this little building had burned a while ago. There were pictures of protests that happened in front of it.

Something about dingy old buildings really gets to me. So much history etched into it's rough exterior. It once was a new building, with a layer of silky paint. Life existed inside, but now, only exists around and beside it. It's just waiting, waiting to be erased from history. Why does that make me sad? I need to go to bed.

Good night!

untitled

2010-04-14T18:40:00.008+09:00

eyes gaze into a daydream.

forgetting feelings of the present reality,

the mind moves through possibilities.

sliding through the wet paint,

the brush sweeps strokes

evoking new dimensions of color.

bright sounds cast shadows in warm hues,

as water dillutes to the tunes of walking hums,

and the heart rests under a willow tree.

hands collide to the down beets,

entangled mess of bliss.

fingertips kiss.

namdaemun

2010-04-10T23:35:00.004+09:00

little burst

of color

around

each

plastic corner

a friday night in b&w

2010-04-01T12:52:00.000+09:00

full circle

2010-03-24T20:11:00.007+09:00

Two years ago almost to this very date, I was a collage of so many emotions. Not only was I a week away from starting my final quarter as an undergraduate at UCI, but I was about to end it in the most beautiful way possible: as a SPOP coordinator.

Fast forward a bit and here I am, almost done with my final term at the Graduate School of Life, 2 year accelerated program in the Republic of Korea, and I find that I'm smelling those same nostalgic emotions as they waft just under my nose. I've been out of the US for quite a reasonable stint, and recently, I've been dabbling with the idea of how to plan my return route home. They say it takes about a year to prepare for a big move like that. It seems easy enough though. Just buy ticket and return. But for some reason the thought of it has been quite intimidating. It shouldn't be right? After all, it is just home.

It took me about 8 months to really get adjusted to living here, 8...long....months. They say it takes about a year to get acclimated to a new place. But after that excruciating period, I can definitely say I started to understand what it REALY meant to be independent and also learned to appreciate it. Then slowly I was about to start building something in Seoul; building a new life. During that time of constructing this foundation, I just knew in the back of my head that the day would come when I'd have to leave here. It actually made me a bit sad, just thinking about all the things I had come to love, and would dearly miss. Well, I'm at a point where I do have a pretty solid foundation, and just as I expected, the time has come...although a little sooner than I had anticipated. But, such is life.

I've just been given this undeniably special opportunity of a lifetime. Over the phone, they told me in these words, "If you are selected, you need to know that you're going to embark on a life changing journey that will change the course of your life." That's a pretty big promise to make to someone. I'm still in shock. Too many things to try to compute at the moment.

Almost 2 years ago I left the US with the most amazing send off any girl could ask for, and now, I get to return with a welcoming of the century. God is so good, that's all I gotta say.

Only 2 1/2 more months here in the mother land then look out America...I'm coming back home!!! See you in June!!!

http://roadtripnation.com/

poetry in motion~

2010-03-11T21:38:00.005+09:00

where to begin?

there seems no end to this...

jumbled words foaming from the corners of my mouth,

trying to breathe i squeeze,

the last molecule of O2 from my weak lungs.

with one note the song's begun.

a forgotten hum...

picking up on left off beats,

stored away in a pantry next to the sweets,

and goodies,

of all sizes and proportions,

left just there exactly,

as was,

as is.

like old friends standing at attention,

waiting for the reinvention

of the word.

the sweet, sweet words.

flowing from the fingertips,

bringing saliva, drenching lips.

colliding through memories

in cold garages where words

filled.

silvery dew,

vibrations off the throat,

lyrical melodies breathing stories into life.

past tales and new beginnings,

creations behind a closet door.

pleasing sounds palpitating to the heart beats,

keeping time with the toe tap,

the flap jacks,

flipping pleasures on a frying pan.

two hands,

painting pictures in the air,

sitting with an open mouth

and wide eyed stares.

creating the creation process,

in real time.

a jam session of heros,

for realz yo!

2 minutes of bliss,

i reminisce,

and smile on those moments,

in those places,

with those poets.

Korea Animal Rescue Center/ ASAN Shelter

2010-02-21T00:08:00.007+09:00

Dear Previous Pet Owners of Korea,

Please stop abandoning your dogs....

The ASAN Shelter

1997

2010-02-11T21:26:00.005+09:00

The Verve, Bitter Sweet Symphony 1997
Uploaded by harrison73. - See the latest featured music videos.

press play.

reminisce,

on colors

streaming at

10000 megahertz,

buffering...70%

and counting,

down,

town

strolling with open windows,

breathing in fresh sounds emitting

from the familiar streets.

walking through the crowded memories.

jean jacket,

leather boots,

swirls of smoke mix past the ears

harmonizing with the the damp remnants

of perfume

on the neck.

wet,

black,

pavement

drenched by the rain.

reflecting

primary colors

of mostly

red,

smeared

red

dancing.

just blink

2010-01-21T22:28:00.002+09:00

fresh

gradients

flashing

...

sketches

2010-01-19T00:13:00.001+09:00

going along

2010-01-07T00:29:00.004+09:00

Girl behind the counter stuffing her face with ramen.

She looked like a kid caught with her hand in a candy jar when I asked her if she had any hot pads for shoes. With her chubby checks stuffed with food, she answered, projecting little bits of ramen onto the counter.

Little boy in big, floppy yellow shirt.

He came hopping out of an 어린이 집 like a wild steer at a rodeo. His one boot crunched in the snow as he held his other bootless foot with one hand. Tongue out, eyes big, he hopped like a professional - narrowly escaping the lady who was holding his other boot...until the ice took him down.

Watching everyone outside in a panic as we woke up to a morning knee high in snow.

The biggest snowfall in over 40 years in Seoul. Old men were out on my street scooping the snow away with shovels, wooden boards, and big rice paddles. My usual 20 minute commute to work took 10 as the deserted, snow covered streets made me feel like I was in a winter setting of Seoul in war time.

Sitting on the floor of Kyobo Bookstore and reading the first chapters of 3 books.

A kid tripped over my legs as he was reading a book. In one fluid motion without even looking up from his reading, he found a way to land on his bottom in a comfortable position with his back to the bookcase.

still drying

2010-01-02T09:32:00.007+09:00

spiraling decline
struggling to rewind,
with the sound of the screeching tape;
replaying with no sound.
no pictures.
no sound.
no pictures.
just...just.
~

echoing vibrations haunt a shallow cavity,
longing to be filled.
only phantoms take the time anymore.
fantastic fantasy.
fluttering like the tail of a kite.
no direction,
no cares,
just fluttering...free,
or so it seems.
maybe it's trying to run away?

it's been real 2009

2010-01-01T02:44:00.006+09:00

just as i felt it was beginning, it ended.
love hate relationship with 2009 is over.
2010, whatchu got?!

HAPPY NEW YEAR

express bus terminal

2009-12-29T04:08:00.007+09:00

autonomous

reverie

stop

motion

thankful

2009-12-28T02:59:00.009+09:00

December.

It's almost over.

The moment you stop appreciating things is the moment you slip into a fast spiral of self pitying delusions about how horrible your life is. It's always a little tough to see all the goodness that fills your life when work keeps you pumping at a monotonous rhythm or crisis strikes, then, strikes again, and then, one more time. Or when you mess up and can't do anything but just watch you're mistake saunter down the street and stare you up and down as it passes. Fortunately, that's why friends are so key. Especially when any of the above are mixed in with the winter doldrums (I am not made for cold weather, it's super depressing and hard to appreciate when you're constantly trying to fight off hypothermia!).

Things in Korea have been business as usual. I'm starting to get pretty adjusted to my work. Although it's always nice when you get past the "acclimating" point, I find every time I cross that threshold, I start getting really bored. Luckily, there's a few projects that I'm working on so I'm hoping they will liven up the pace at work a smidgen. Aside from work, my free time has been spent mostly with Jungle and Phil. I'm so, so, so grateful that they're here in Korea. Well, to be honest, it's pretty cool that there's so many UCI kids out here in general.

Since my blogging hiatus, I've made some other progress. I LOVE Korea. I truly love it here. Maybe having some Donuts here has aided in that, but I feel like I've finally been able to break under the veneer just a bit. There's so many little quirks that have stolen my heart. Lately I've been thinking about my "next step." These ruminations are always followed by a slight feeling of dolefulness knowing that my days here are numbered. It wont be too long before Mister Change is going to jingle jangle me right back over the Pacific to my sunny state. With this in mind, I've been compiling a list. It's mostly in my head, but some of it is written down. Jungle and I are supposed to sit down to make one soon and I'm very driven to complete each task we put in ink. We'll keep ya'll posted ^^

Be grateful in all things.

Here's some things I've been grateful for this week! <3...

...knowing that no matter what time it is, it's not to late

...being able to buy delicious ice cream in 5 degree weather

...and then having a friend crazy enough to eat it with you

...stumbling across a giant lantern building made with drawings that you can walk inside of

...nikons

actually, friends with nikons

...picking random stations to get off at, only to get back on the train

...stumbling across dank food on Christmas night after getting off at a random station to hear interesting facts about budaechiggae while having a picture taking showdown

...snow

...using an umbrella when it snows

...stumbling across a cute cafe while slowly inching down a steep, slippery road

...jungle!

...phil!

...P&J <3

Now I gotta get to bed. It's 4:15am!!!

Happy blogging <3

exahusted

2009-11-05T15:12:00.002+09:00

literally haven't had time or energy to do anything but work and/or think about work...

there's nothing better than that feeling of accomplishment though. things start out hard, you hit walls, you doubt yourself and what you're doing, but when that feeling comes after you succeed at something or become better at it...man, it's the best. it gives you all the motivation to keep going, keep grinding, keep working those long hours, keep suffering with all the smile you can manage because you've come too far to stop now.

this definitely beats boredom...fo sho

scooting

2009-10-10T02:20:00.007+09:00

A friend of mine was kind enough to let me borrow his scooter for a little while. It's a hot red ferrari with a history marked out like petroglyphs along the edges; a little buddy with a lot of character. Despite the fact that any morsel of warm weather has been tucked away until next season, the intensity of the wind chill created from zipping along with the little friend is well worth the thrill it's graced me with.

To be frank, driving in Korea is dangerous. Even if you're the most cautious driver in the world, taking extra care to utilize all mirrors and head checks, one can never be prepared enough for the undirected drunks who flop themselves all over the pavement, oblivious to the traffic buzzing at their very toes. Case in point: as I was driving through an intersection this evening, a drunkard sprung out of no where and stopped right in front of me. I slammed on the brakes, so afraid the cab behind was going to crash into me. Instead, the driver turned a little to the left and stopped literally 2 inches from my leg. I felt the heat from an angry mob of motorists rising from behind followed speedily by a truculent bray of horns. As soon as I retrieved my wits, I sped off, leaving before witnessing the grand finish of the symphony, still in full force behind. Soon the buzz of the engine muffled any remnants of the notes.

I quickly kicked into gear and continued on my little journey to meet up with my friends. Unfortunately, me being very ignorant to the roads here, trying to find my way with only a hunch was definitely not the smartest move. Unlike California, with it's open skies and mountain ranges, there are no landmarks to help you gain your positioning. Bothersome buildings stand to cut off any sense of direction. I wandered around for a good hour, driving around in circles, down alleys, just following hunches. As I was passing through an intersection, I spotted Namsan and the tower was but a spec on top of the mountain. Frustrated and feeling hopeless I almost wanted to give up, park the bike somewhere and take a cab home. I couldn't feel my fingers, and I was shaking so much from the cold that I struggled to keep a steady hand with the steering. In the midst of all of this arctic irritation, I started thinking. I felt like I was re-living a lesson I recently learned and moved on from (but who am I kidding, sometimes it takes us many tries to get it drilled into our heads).

I'm the type of person that likes to get from point A to point B with the most efficiency and speed. Not just with traveling, but with life situations as well. I try to be on time and get so frustrated if I'm on the brink of tardiness. Sometimes, my mood gets so horrible, and I hate it when that happens. If I don't meet a deadline, again, frustration consumes. The beast inside me wakes up and I feel like I'm reliving my childhood tantrums. It's actually quite embarassing to think about. I'm sure there are some of you who can agree to some degree, or maybe this isn't you at all. Now, I know when things don't go our way, it's understandable to feel like this, but one thing I've learned this past month (a lesson I will always learn) is that some things are out of our control. More importantly, if you're trying to get from A to B and happen to get lost, thus making the journey take longer, forcing you to suffer (both physically and mentally), you get much more out of the detour by taking in the new surroundings instead of hastily buzzing by (sometimes 3 or 4 times if you get caught in circles, which i definitely did tonight) with a cloud of misery looming over your head.

As soon as these rumination infested my mind, I started to slow down and decided to take a turn down a street. Of course at this point my face was so numb that I couldn't feel the constriction of my chattering teeth. Although I knew this road wouldn't take me in the right direction, I just felt like using a minute or two to calm down and try to replace some of my stress with...adventure. So I went up this road. It was pretty steep, making the climb to the top entertaining. Once I reached the summit, I was greeted with a gust of wind (again, I was already too cold to be affected by any chilling affect it may have had) as well as the blinking lights of my city below. I sat there, propped on my little friend, suddenly feeling a tinge of awe at how expansive the city was. Ahhh, perspective. Just a minute ago I was among those lights, franticly zipping through the neighborhoods. Now, after I had decided to take a break from the anxiety and try to at least enjoy the situation, I could see the direction I needed to go.

Yes, it might sound extremely clique, but isn't it funny how things like this happen and leave us with these non drug induced highs laced with EUREKA?! Again, going back to a pervious post, it's not about the end result, it's about the process. The process doesn't always end up the way we want it to, but no use throwing a fit over it. Just gotta relax a little, take a breath, and take in the scenery. Eventually, we'll gain enough perspective to get to where we want to go, and by the time we get there, the fact that we were lost won't even feel like it was worth the worry, but looked at more as a necessity.

The End

P.S. I've been inside for 3 hours and I'm still cold. Let's hope I don't get sick!

Walking

2009-10-07T01:22:00.008+09:00

I started walking again. Walking for the sake of walking. More like wandering. It's starting to get cold so I guess I should try to walk as much as I can before the weather becomes unbearable.

~~~~~

KAD

2009-09-28T13:00:00.009+09:00

AaBdAoNpDtOeNdED

Here I stand, but do you see me?

The reflection of the world upon my face,

always scuffling and shuffling to embrace my "true" race.

Always hidden, but in plain sight.

Do you see me?

Or are you still thinking in calculations?

Your mouth and thoughts exploding with flawed realities,

based solely on my face.

Did you know?

Your words, they broke me,

and in the winter, my pieces scattered -- too afraid to find their place again.

The temporary numbness of the cold air comforted in a way that even my pale faced parents couldn't match up.

Your actions twisted the knife.

Helpless little girl,

her dark shiny hair in a tight pony tail, wearing her favorite flower print dress,

stood in the hot sun,

forced to watch her insides spill out onto the side walk,

and ooze down the drain like melted ice cream.

I felt worthless,

and still do.

Rejected by my own blood before I could form my first memory,

I felt abandoned,

and still do.

My heritage, my culture, my language, and my birth right,

all erased as soon as the documents were processed.

This was my new home,

this is where I grew up and fell in love with pizza and baseball,

but because of you, I felt like a foreigner,

and I still do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple weeks ago I started to do research on Korean American adoptees. The whole process of preparing before the interview I did last weekend was not only interesting, but very emotionally draining. You can't deny that being Korea-American or (insert race here)-American comes with varying bouts of identity issues. I can't speak for everyone, but I feel that the majority of individuals who come from different ethnic backgrounds have been faced with moments when they've had to chose between their culture and American culture. Although I can never deny the fact that my heritage is Korea, I certainly tried everything I could to disassociate myself from it as soon as I fell prey to racial slurs and stereotyping as a kid. There are individuals who have had generations before them living in America and have absolutely no tie to their culture at all. Nevertheless, they are still forced to prove to the population of sometimes ignorant individuals they they are in fact American.

I stumbled upon a facebook group for Korean American Adoptees and began to read through some of the discussion topics on the page. The very first discussion topic was titled, "How do you cope, how have you healed?" Using my own words cannot give justice to the amount of pain some of these KAD endure, so I've chosen some posts for you to read for yourselves:

I am still trying to find healing...I am 45 years old and was adopted at 2 1/2 years old by two african american parents...they did not teach me a thing about my culture....in the 60's if you were anything but obviously white, they slapped this "father was of negroid race" on your birth certificate. What the hell does that mean? unfortunately my adopted parents ran with that and tried to raise me as an african american girl...this was very hard on me growing up in the 70's...i was rejected and experienced racism from everyone...i was not black enough, white enough, asian enough...i wasnt mexican..i wasnt anything...spent my whole life just trying to be accepted by someone... i went to all white schools and ended up having mostly white friends. to this day i am still stopped by perfect strangers and asked, what are you? where are you from? are you american? are you black? are you white? are you from hawaii? are you from viet nam? oh my God...if i had a dollar for everytime someone inquires about what i am, i could stimulate the american economy alone!!! I dont know how to heal because it seems to get thrown in my face almost daily that i dont look like everyone else...I live in Texas and that is some of the problem that i have had most of my life...very color oriented in these parts...and the southern states of the U.S. can be extremely racist...

~~~

I was also always told by my family that in Korea, I was not accepted because of my mix which was why my mother had to place me up for adoption apparently. My parents told me that Koreans did not like mixed Koreans and were very racist against them, which was why I was in an orphanage at St. Vincent's Home for Amerasians. So although I have always had this desire inside of me to know my Korean culture, I sort of never pursued it because in my head, I believed I was not accepted by them either. It still didn't stop my hope than when I ran into other Korean Americans on the street or in stores, I always wondered and still do, if they can tell that I have half Korean. In the end, I often felt I had no place to turn to. Sometimes I still do... I am older now but I think the identity crisis and confusion never seems to go away. I am 29 years old, married to a black man and have a son. I suppose I identify myself as black but I still long to know my Korean side. To know my mother and her story and mine. I have pictures of her and I together when I was just a toddler. The information on my adoption papers say she visited me often in the orphanage. When I look at those pictures and of the little girl I was and the wioman she was...I feel this void inside of me and this shock that there is another side of myself that I know nothing about. Its like waking up to find you have amenesia and being forced to live the rest of your life forming new memories, new friends, new families but never ever being able to unlock your past and who you use to be.

~~~

I don't think I've QUITE gotten over it, but then again I'm only 21. I've tried to become more korean, but sometimes i feel like i'm trying too hard because some of the korean koreans i meet like american things more, which I find interesting. I'm taking classes to learn korean, listen almost exclusively to korean music, dress as asian as possible with the limited resources. ha. but I still have problems hanging out with korean people when i'm around koreans, mostly because I can't speak korean, i think. when i'm around other adoptees, sometimes i feel like they're not proud to be who they are and just want to be white (or just not korean), which may very well be true, but i think one should embrace what they are, and not what they can't be or aren't. ALWAYS self consious about my asianness when i'm out with my parents who are white (...surprise surprise.. ;) ). I have no idea why and I can't seem to find a way to quell that feeling. I have no desire to be white, and I love being korean. maybe its shame that white people are my parents instead of korean? i dont know.

~~~

i should be taking meds... but i dont. i use to take lithium. prozac. and than some other type of medication that i forget the name of. it cause me to have adverse side effects that i expressed with my psychiatrist and i eventually stopped taking them. i have been in the same boat too when it comes to being hospitalized and going thru so called therapy too... all in which i feel had no real signifigant meaning to me.. and its been years since i've been on meds.. and honestly, while there are somethings that may cause an emotional trigger for me to get upset, i think relatively speaking tho i am doing pretty good. i dunno what stage everyone else is at... but i feel i have developed a pretty clear picture of who i am. how i like to identify myself.. and have a good sense of belonging... like i feel comfortable in my own skin... which i feel all helps in my emotional well being..

When I read these, I couldn't help but cry. I guess it's because I can relate in some sense. My mother got a divorce when I was very young. Although I was only about 4, I still have memories of my biological father. The majority of these memories deal with his violence. Growing up, I never thought much about him, mainly because I had a wonderful new father that I loved dearly. I guess it wasn't until recently that I started to think about my biological father again. When I went home for Christmas last winter and saw how my dad and my siblings interacted, there was something inside of me that felt a little pang of pain. This may have been triggered by the fact that I've been away from home for so long and my relationship with my dad has worn thin a little. But anyways, I got to thinking; my brother and sister are his real blood and although I knew he loved me, I couldn't help but feeling his love for his own blood was deeper (or maybe just different) from the love he had for me. Whenever I would go out with my dad to eat or shop, I couldn't help but notice all the people staring with their judgmental eyes, thinking that I was probably his young import wife.

Anyways, back to my point, although I never wanted to look for my biological father, I started wondering if he had every thought about me, if he had missed me, or if he even cared about me. I after all, I was his blood. When I returned to Korea, for some reason, I couldn't shake these thoughts. What transpired in the short months after my return was nothing short of a miracle. To go into detail of it all would take too long, so this is my attempt at an abridged version. It still might be long.

I had gotten the job as correspondent for Arirang Radio at the beginning of March, but in order to work in Korea you need special visas. When I came to Korea, I had an E-2 Visa (teaching visa). If you are Korean American and your parents were born in Korea, you are eligible to get an F-4 visa, which essentially gives you almost all the perks of being a citizen. In order to get this, you need to prove, through a family registry, that your parents were born in Korea. After a long and frustrating process, I finally got my hands on my mother's family registry, but I was denied. The reason being, all children born before 1990 (which is when a new law was passed) needed to show their father's registry in order to get their F-4 because the family blood line was passed down through him. This basically meant, I needed to get his registry somehow. Again, cutting out a loooot of details, I had to find him. I was able to find his number through the internet (crazy how easy it was), and there I was, in front my computer, freaking out.

Was he going to give me the information, was he going to remember me, was he going to be shocked, excited, happy? Did this mean we were going to start a relationship? What would this mean for my daddy, the one who raised me my whole life? What would this mean for my mother, who still carried a hidden pain from the past? What would this mean for my siblings? So many questions! Funny thing is, my aunt ended up calling him and got the information that I needed. "Whew," I thought, glad I didn't actually have to do it. So I went back to the immigration office for the 20th time to try to finalize everything, and for some reason, nothing was showing up for his records. On Easter Sunday, I felt very convicted to call him, and thankfully, I had no stress or anxiety about anything. I dialed his number, then waited.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Hi, this is Hannah."

"Hannah? Hannah? My daughter?!" (sobbing in the background).

"Yeah, I just called to thank you for sending your information to my emo."

"Yadda yadda yadda yadda."

I honestly don't remember everything he said after that, he was talking so fast and his voice was so muffled and heavily accented. I told him Happy Easter, and then we ended our 3 minute phone conversation. The first conversation in 20 years.

Still a little troubled and stressed by the fact that I couldn't find his paperwork, I was starting to doubt that I would ever be able to stay in Korea without having to teach English. About a week later, I got a phone call from a Korean lady...

"Hello."

"Hi, is this Hannah?"

"Yes."

"Hi Hannah, this is your daddy's sister in law." (the fact that she said daddy, made me cringe a little).

"I just wanted to let you know that he's coming with your grandmother next week to see you."

I stopped breathing for a good minute.

"Ummm....ok."

"So I will call you when he arrives, you can have dinner at my house."

"....ok."

So a week later, he arrived in Korea. When I walked out of exit 4 at Ichon station and saw him at the end of the hall, I wanted to run away and hide. I can't even begin to explain the things I was feeling. I reached the end, I could see that he and his mother had been crying quite a bit and when they saw me, they cried even more. You would think this would be a happy occasion for all, but just remember what I said earlier, my only memories of him were violent ones.

We went to his sister in laws house and sat down for dinner. I thank God that I felt so numb the whole night. His sister in law casually asked about my family back home and then the topic of why my mom left him came to the table. Of course, I felt reserved in answering, but before I could say anything, he answered,

"Her mother didn't like a Korean style husband. All of her sisters married American guys and I was the only Korea guy. She always looked at her sister's husbands and wanted me to be like that. But I was Korean, so I couldn't."

I almost choked on my food as I clenched my fist.

"SHE didn't like Korean style?" I thought to myself.

"Korean style as in you would beat her. Korean style as in you broke her tailbone? Korean style as in you weren't there when I was born? Korean style as in you left her for a year? Korean style as in you'd threaten her with a knife? Korean style as in you'd strangler her and throw her to the ground?"...Which style are you referring to?

I was so disgusted and sooooo angry. I wasn't expecting our reunion to be anything exciting, but his words and the biting words of his mother brought to light a lot of things my mom had said to me about them when I was growing up.

Anyways, the dinner finally ended and they took me home. I seriously wanted to throw up because he was constantly touching me and holding me and doing a lot of things that made me feel very uncomfortable. For him, I was his daughter, but for me, he was like any stranger on the street. Ewww, thinking about it just makes my skin crawl.

When we got to my house, I quickly jumped out of the car and tried to make a quick escape, but they wanted to come in and give me some food. So reluctantly, I let them in. As I was sitting on the bed, waiting for them to get out of my house, he looked at me with tear filled eyes and said, "Oh our little Hannah, she's grown into a woman," by which point he reached out and grabbed my breast. I was so shocked I started laughing...could this really be happening? Finally, they left. Flustered and confused at what to make of this strange encounter with my long lost father, I passed out as soon as I lied down.

I woke up in the morning fuming with anger. Angry at the fact that he acted in such a barbaric manner, and at the fact that he didn't seem remorseful about ANY of his actions from the past. In addition to that, who was he to touch me in that way. My own daddy would have never even touched me like that. I called him at work later that day and very sternly told him that I needed hit to get me my papers so I could get my F-4, also that I needed to talk to him, alone. He tried calling me many times before we met, but I couldn't get myself to answer.

Saturday came. I asked my friend Linda to come with me because I definitely didn't feel comfortable going alone. As we sat at the table, my heart raced. I was finally getting the chance to get everything I ever wanted to say, or ask him off my chest. When I was in junior high, I remember my aunt telling me that I'd probably want to find my biological father one day. I wanted to punch her. Why would I want to find such a jerk? I thought about what I would do if I ever saw him, and I just remember I wanted to have a bat if I ever did. When I first got my driver's license, I had to use my former last name, because in order to legally change my name to Johnson, I needed consent from both birth parents due to the fact that I was a minor. This meant, we would had to find him, which I definitely did not want to do. When I turned 18 and got my new license, I remember I cut the old one up into tiny little pieces, especially the part that said "Hannah Choe Kim" and happily threw it in the trash can on my way off to tennis practice.

So this was it, the moment of truth. Everything came out. EVERYTHING. Things that I didn't even know I had inside of me, it all came out. 20 years of hidden pain and wonder spilling out into a haphazard collage of emotion onto the kitchen table. What angered me a little was the fact that I felt like he wasn't listening to everything I was saying. It's like he knew everything I was going to say, and was just waiting for me to finish so he could tell his side. When I was done, he took out a coin and said,

"See this, it's a coin. A coin has 2 sides. You're whole life, you've been living with your mother, so you only have 1 side, now I'm going to tell you the other side."

He went on to tell me everything that I already knew. Finally, after a very long drawn out narrative (of what I already knew), he apologized. Now, you might think that everything was all dandy afterwards, but I just didn't feel right about everything he said. Of course, I forgave him. I told him that I really believed that God brought us together for a reason. After 20 years, we were both able to have closure. I also told him that I was willing to start a relationship with him, but it would take time.

Then that was that.

I called him a few days later, because I really wanted to exercise this forgiveness through grace. We went to lunch and then we went to the immigration office where I finally got my F-4 visa. As I was about to get on the bus. I said my good byes and thank yous. I told him to have a safe flight. Before I could get on, he quickly stashed money into my purse and said, "Your grandmother and I wanted to spend more time with you while we were here, but since we couldn't this is for you." I tried to give it back, but he wouldn't let me, so I got on the bus, angry get again.

It's been about 4 months since I saw him, and no word from him since. It doesn't matter though because I got what I wanted, closure and healing. There were things he said in his explanation that definitely didn't match up. For example, he said he waited for my mother for 9 years before he got married. He has a 15 year old son. If he waited for 9 years, his son would be 11.

Those things don't really matter, what matters is, through this experience, I gain so much more conviction that my daddy, my true daddy is the only father I will ever need. It made me appreciate and love him so much more for the father he's been to me versus what my blood was never.

See, told you it was long.

Now, coming back to the beginning. I'm so thankful that I was blessed with the opportunity to answer my questions and fill whatever holes I may have had as a result of having a white father. But there are so many adoptees out there, who never get the chance. This is why my heart broke and I cried so much when I read about their stories.

Some adoptees have gone on searches to find their birth parents in Korea. Reading about these stories were even more heartbreaking. Some don't even have anything to start with because they were abandoned. There was a woman I found on youtube who was trying to raise funds for her and her husband to go to Korea to be reunited with her birth parents. I was able to find her blog and read about the whole process, and again, I couldn't help but feel so heavy for her. Not only had she dealt with the more usual feelings of most KAD, but after she met her birth parents, she didn't necessarily find her silver lining. She ached because of a lifetime with them that was lost.

Just a little history about this. The first wave of Korean children sent away for international adoption was during the wake of the Korean War. In the 1980’s, the percentage of children leaving Korea for adoption was about 1% of all live births. The Korean government made efforts in the late 80’s to reduce the number of international adoptions, hoping that by 2015, it would be totally eliminated. However, the restrictions were temporarily lifted during the economic hardships of the late 90’s after the number of abandoned children sharply increased. Today, despite the fact that Korea is a major part of the global economy, an OECD nation, and has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, about 1 in 200 children are still being sent abroad for international adoption. This is mainly because of how blood lines are stressed in this culture. It is very rare that a Korean will adopted another person's child.

Over the years, the Korean Adoptee community has evolved into a unique ethnicity and culture. By trying to regain their own culture and heritage, Korean adoptees are sometimes fighting against the feelings of not truly belonging to either South Korean culture or in the cultures of their adoptive countries. The adoption policies among the first generation of Korean adoptees stressed the importance of full assimilation, believing quality of life would be enhanced if the adoptee were to remove any trace of their Korean background. Over the years, these policies have receded as more and more adoptees have the opportunity to learn about their culture.

As you can tell from the posts above, there have been many recorded cases of KAD struggling with identity crisis, low self esteem, isolation, and depression as they struggle with bi, sometimes tri cultural identities. Growing up, they naturally view themselves as typical American kids (why wouldn't they) as they engage in every day things, but as evidence in many cases, it is very typical for peers and sometimes even family member to look upon adoptees as foreigners and targets of hurtful stereotypes.

It was very encouraging to see so many empowering KAD society groups and organization established to enable the community to help each other. There are many conferences I read about as well that were constructed to help KAD in embracing their identities as well as providing education to adoptive parents. The movement by KAD to provoke awareness is very extraordinary to see.

I wish I could do more, but I hope that in sharing with you the struggles of the KAD experience, I was able to spark some feelings of empathy ^^

Reading about their experience has helped me to gain more insight on Korea, and I feel more connected I guess you could say, to another fraction of the Korean American diaspora. I hope you do too!

Cab Ride

2009-09-25T22:19:00.003+09:00

Today, I was late for my dentist appointment so I jumped in a cab. It wasn't until I looked into my wallet that I started to feel a little uneasy. I only had 7,950w. Although I felt it would be enough to get me to where I was going, I knew that if by chance we hit traffic, I might need to bail early. One thing I don't like about Seoul is the unpredictable traffic jams. Usually, these are spurred on as a result of the incessantly annoying construction projects that pop up out of no where. Anyways, I watched the meter with a tense bottom. You know how it goes. As each number changed the bottom got tenser and the sweat started to formulate on my brow. At just about the 7,800w mark I quickly blurted/unintentionally screamed at the cab driver,

"Ajushi, please let me out here! I only have 7,950w!"

"Ehy? 7,950w?" he said in his cherry old ajushi grumble.

"Yes, I'm sorry, I thought it would be enough."

"Ehy, don't worry" he said said with a chuckle, "There was a lot of traffic..."

He then reached over and turned off the meter. I was very taken aback by his kindness. Seriously, I felt like it was the first time in a very long time that I had experienced a Korean doing something so kind. It was in the moment I felt a little frustrated because I wanted to really express to him my gratitude, but I was limited to just a simple thank you.

You know, there are moments when my heart feels so sad at how I see people treating each other here. The coldness has brought me down at times. I suppose this is partly a result of being a foreigner and not really a part of the society, but anyways.... I just wanted to say, that ajushi really made my day. That's all...over and out!

The Project

2009-09-19T17:32:00.004+09:00

A few weeks ago I officially became unemployed (well sort of). Although I achingly counted down each moment before I finally finished my job as a teacher, the feelings that greeted me as I speedily stepped out of that realm was not quite what I was hoping. I honestly felt a little lost. Dizzied by the uncertainty of planting the next step, I felt restless. The first week was nice, I got to recharge and enjoy time completely to myself. We all need those pauses every once in a while, but I think mine was a little too abrupt. I went from being exhaustingly, almost unhappily swamped, to being completely free. It was as though I had been stuck in the maddening city traffic jams, had finally made it onto the 15 freeway and was now driving steadily through a silent desert. Only the occasional winds and splashes of colors dotted in the sky brought any sense of presence. Though very relaxing, being idle comes with many problems. Too much time on your hands -- too much time to let your mind wander into places that only bring stress.

I told myself I'd take the month of September to really work on finding a job in this field that I've chosen, broadcast/journalism. I turned down a job doing a live TV show for stupid reasons and was definitely left regretting what was really just a hasty call. Don't you hate it when that happens? You're faced with these decisions and you convince yourself that you've thought it through, worked out all the pros and cons, but when the bread has been baked, and the "next gig" you were hoping for doesn't come through, you sit and wonder during all the free time you have in the Land of Unemployment if you made the right decision.

You know the fantasy that this generation was brought up on, the American dream, with all it's Disney magic, it all seems like a mock up sometimes. We hear all these success stories after success stories and are told that we can have that too. The trouble we have to face in our twenties is the harsh reality of how much work it takes, how many heartaches, how many let downs, and how many missed opportunities we'll have to endure before we get there. No one can really prepare you for how trying it can be. What is the American Dream anyways? I guess that's a rant for another day.

Anyways, as I was struggling in my efforts to land a job, an idea struck me. Seriously, it was God send. Although dealing with the reality of life's hardships may be a growing pain every 20 something has had to endure throughout the ages, I feel as though the curse of anxiousness is definitely of our generation. As we know, we live in this high speed world were everything we want or need is only a click away. So when we're trying to find a job or pursue our dreams but feel as though we're only treading water, of course the lack of patience can start chipping away at our foundations. I mean come on, it was less than a month and I already felt like my dreams had met a tragic fate as I watched it hit that patch of black ice and silently tumble over the edge of the frozen cliff. It might seem pathetic, but I take rest in the fact that I know I'm not the only one feeling like I'm drowning in the kiddie pool when I don't see instant results.

Whenever I have those despondent moments of self pity, I always read the world news. Nothing like a story of a little girl setting herself on fire in a suicide attempt because she's been forced to marry an abusive 70 year old man that really helps to put things in perspective for me. So, instead of complaining, I started brainstorming. As I was sitting at dinner with a friend, he said something very simple, yet striking. He said, "It's not about the end product, who really knows where we'll end up, it's really about the process of getting there. All those grueling hours of working your ass off and moving at a snails pace, that's what it's all about. As long as you're moving forward and doing what you love." After dinner, the word "process" kept ringing in my ear like an gong. It's the processes. You can't expect to be a CEO of a corporation if you don't know a lick about management or how to draft a business plan. Similarly, I can't put so much stress on myself about getting a big broadcasting job if I haven't really acquired any skills in the field. Aside from the little radio show I've been doing, my resume of experience is very diminutive.

Back to this idea I had. The reason I want to go into this field revolves around the fact that I really find people fascinating. It doesn't really stop there, I want to use this as a platform to share the stories I've heard to others as a means to evoke change. Whether it's to change people's perspectives, shed light on issues, or just bring about education, I just want to be a voice for others. What I felt like the little voice inside of me was saying had to deal with the new conviction that I didn't necessarily need the job right now to be able to do that.

I currently live in an area of Seoul that is heavily populated by foreigners. When I say foreigners, I don't mean from the West, these people are from ALL over. Just to give you an example, there's a Pinoy market across the street where titas and titos post up on the patio and watch the little ones run around. Down the street is a little Nigerian food store, and across from that is a shop called "New World" which sells products from "home." "Home" being Africa. You see Filipinos interacting with Africans interacting with Koreans interacting with Americans interacting with Europeans interacting with Australians interacting with everyone else. It's similar to the US in that my street is very diverse, but very dissimilar in the fact that these people haven't been diluted with American culture.

What are all of these people doing in Korea? Why Korea? Some of them, mainly referring to the Africans, had to travel 24 hours to be able to make it to this tiny little East Asian peninsula. Why Korea? As I sat at the cafe on my street that I frequent, and scanned my surroundings, I realized that I was in a story gold mine. This is where my idea came into play (the one I mentioned waaay up there, so if you're still following, here it comes). I decided that it would be great practice to just strike up some conversations with these people, ask them questions, hear their stories, then maybe write about it. It would be a good journalistic endeavor to get out there and sharpen some skills. I drafted some questions, started formulating an edge and direction, and then, patiently waited at my cafe for my first subject. Unfortunately, no one seemed very approachable that day.

A few nights later, I was at the radio station doing my little segment. In passing, I brought up my project idea to my host. He suggested that I write a proposal and try to do it for Arirang. If I were to get approved, I could do my project but get paid for it too! I rushed home to get my proposal ready, tied up some last minute ideas, and tried to get as many prospective interviews for my list. I submitted it and a few days later I found myself checking out a recorder for my first interview! It's kind of crazy how I'm getting the chance to do this, but I'm definitely very thankful and super excited. I know that it might not be anything big, but it's all part of the process right? I have some interesting people lined up right now. Today I'm interviewing a Korea American adoptee who has come back to Korea to teach English, but her primary reason is to find her birth parents. I also met a North Korean defector who I'll be interviewing in a few weeks. I'm hopeful that this whole process will be very educational for myself and for others who are able to tune in. Will be keeping you posted!

BTW...if you happened to read all of this, thanks for sticking with my wordy narration. Sometimes you just gotta get it out! Have a great day!

Number 1 Song on the Day I was Born

2009-09-17T10:41:00.004+09:00

So I recently stumbled on a website that can tell you what song was number 1 on the day you were born. Kind of cool, you should check it out for yourself! Your Song

The Window

2009-09-13T10:53:00.004+09:00

Little kids babbling, sound of plates clinking, plastic bags rustling, an occasional humming crescendo of a vehicle passing by, a quick squawk from an ajuma, water running, doors squeaking, gates slammed, the dogs getting their two cents in, a jumprope, short hops, bold skips, and sudden jumps, little feet, big feet, clicking heels, and then the breeze that vibratos through the narrow alleyways and brings the rest. Just a few seconds of necessary stillness and breathing as it passes by. Then, the pizzicato of children's voices, a deep bass of echoing footsteps in the stairwell, waves from an old record player bringing sounds from a distant past, tubs bouncing, keys jingling, a broom getting friendly with the pavement, sweep, sweep, sweeeeep, water running, doors squeaking, gates slammed, the dogs getting their two cents in, a jumprope, short hops, bold skips, and sudden jumps, little feet, big feet, clicking heels, and then a breeze that vibratos through the narrow alleyways and brings the rest. So much life occupying the space outside my window.

while running

2009-09-13T01:03:00.004+09:00

There he sat with a frozen look on his face as he gazed into the sparkling darkness. He cautiously crept forward until he reached the edge and found the perfect spot to perch. With his little legs, carefully folded beneath him, he squinted curiously. Looking beyond the steps and down into the breathing water, he sat in wonderment as the spigots above shot streams of color that rippled into the nights reflection below. As his beady eyes looked on, he imagined the streams to be flying snakes, soaring out into short moments of reverie. Some would dance in pairs, some in hordes. It was like a ballet in mid air-- the soft starlit sky casting the perfect backdrop. The music raged on and the flying snakes whirled and danced, perfectly in rhythm to each melodic beat. But, just a quickly as they would make their stunning debut, they’d crash like a lightening bolt into the water – adding paint to the pallet of a van Gogh masterpiece.

ruminating

2009-08-23T11:25:00.006+09:00

I've had a lot of thoughts going through my mind lately. I've really been wanting to get them out but I don't even know where to start. So I guess I'll just start with where I am right now. I'm sitting in the corner of my living room looking outside. It's warm and sunny outside. I just blew some dust off of the window sill and a feather popped out and started to float melodically just a few inches beyond my reach. Dancing like a tease, moving this way and that way to the lead of the breeze. Beyond the little duo I can see the roof of the red brick apartment across the way. There's a grandpa outside tending to his roses. There's something about watching old people gardening that puts my heart at ease. I guess in that sense I'm lucky that he lives across the way. All I need to do now is go to my window to find a little peace each day.

I recently wrote a story in my church newsletter about the importance of keeping life simple. Lately I've been really meditating on this and trying to apply it to each day. It's been going well, but considering how my life lacks any real stability and security, it's definitely a challenge. You know our 20's are filled with so many thrilling times, but also colorfully peppered with high times of stress and anxiety. Maybe that's just life in general, but I feel as though it applies more heavily to this age groups since we're really only just starting off in life. We're all trying to get there; trying to make it. Despite where "there" may be, we know we need to reach that place where we figure out our calling in life, where we secure a job and a stable life. The path ahead seems so overwhelming at times.

You know a mentor and friend of mine, mister mike knox, once quoted his professor saying, "Don't worry so much about getting an A, think more about doing a good job, and eventually your hard work will pay off." I think in life, we've been programed to think we need to get that A, we need to get that career, but since we're so freaked out about the end result, we get impatient at how much work and TIME it will entail to get there. That whole get rich quick bull we were socialized on is just a fairytale...in life, we have to WORK. So maybe some of you can relate, maybe you can't, but for me personally, this is the story of my life. At the beginning of the year I came to some realizations of what I really wanted to do with my future. Thankfully, I was blessed with some open doors of opportunity. Not big ones, but doors none the less. I was so motivated to keep pushing forward. I guess it wasn't too long before this initial ambition turned into something more. Ambition is good, but I suppose when you lose sight of the reason behind the ambition and become impatient, that's when things can turn sour. I already had a good thing, yet I was plagued with worry and doubt, losing sleep over whether or not things were going to work out. I wasn't really trusting in God, but rather in my own abilities to reach my goal and find quick success. I got a little greedy I guess you could say. On top of that, I was feeling depressed at the fact that I felt like I wasn't moving forward as quickly as I wanted. So I took every small opportunity and ended up burning myself out. There weren't enough hours in the day to handle it all. Thank goodness the past 3 months went by as quickly as they did. I think if it would have gone on any longer, I would have died of exhaustion.

In the midst of the hectic mess I created for myself because of my impatient ambition, I stumbled upon a lecture that knocked some sense into me. You know we tend to get so caught up in ourselves, in what we want, in what's going to make us happy, meanwhile, as we're stressing over sometimes very frivolous things, there are people out in this world who are stressing for more legitimate reasons. We worry about which 40k job in a decaying job market will give us the most happiness when there are mothers who are living on the streets, forced to do unthinkable things to try to feed their children. While we worry about whether or not we should get the sleek blue car with the chrome wheels or the one with a little better gas mileage, there are children who walk miles and miles without shoes from their villages into the city to visit their dying parents in the hospitals. On the lucky days they can ride an over crowded bus without any air conditioning half the way. While we are doing all the calculations and figuring out the budget for a new apartment and complaining about what a headache the process is, there are about 25 million internally displaced people who live in shack towns in the sweltering heat with no real guarantee of ever moving out. While we loath the debt that remains from our high times at university, there are people (too many to count) who barely have a high school degree. This is usually not by choice, but a rather a result of minimal opportunities and lack of funds. While we are getting annoyed at our parents for always trying to nose into our business, there are kids out there who don't have parents, basically living in this big scary world with absolutely no one to protect them. The list goes one. Yet, it is so easy for us to forget about all of these men, women, and children because of how caught up we get with ourselves, and how overcomplicated we make our already privileged lives. Out of sight out of mind.

You know we see pictures like this and we think, aww that's so sad. Some of us at this point have really become desensitized or conditioned to tune it out. But just look at these people and ask yourself, "Is my life more valuable than theirs?" Is it? This is someone's child, someone's parent, someone's dear friend. What do you really think when you see these people; people who really understand true hardship and stress. I'm not trying to make anyone depressed here, but more evoke some sort of positive realization and reaction. I was just reading a story about teenage brides in Afghanistan. A journalist went into the country to cover the story about these girls and what she finds is absolutely insane to think about. When you get a chance you should watch her slide show: http://www.moreintelligentlife.com/blog/emily-bobrow/dont-you-think-shes-little-bit-young/

Anyways, I guess the main point of this was to share some perspective. I'm still trying to gain it. Whether a simple reminder about keeping this simple or a bigger reminder about the needs in this world, take from it what you will.

This little girl is trying to get to a food bank a kilometer away. It's a Pulitzer prize winning photograph but the photographer ended up committing suicide because of the death he witnessed while he documented the Apartheid.

moving day

2009-08-15T14:41:00.003+09:00

I'm a little sad today because I'm moving out of my apartment into a new one. Although I'm very thrilled about this next year Seoul in a new place, it's still just a tad bit bittersweet. After almost a full year of living in this little apartment, I feel a connection to it. I experienced a lot in this little box, and finally after a lot of acclimating, I feel so at ease in this place and in this neighborhood. You know they say it takes a good year to get adjusted to a new environment, I guess that's why it's a little hard to leave. I just started to feel completely comfortable here, and now it's time to move out. Ah well. We don't really like change, but what can you do to stop it. It's a new year, a new apartment, with hopefully...a new job! I'll post pictures of my new place soon. It's a very quaint street with a nice view of Namsan Tower and it's located smack dab in the heart of the city. Wahoo!~ Goodbye old, hello new!

this and that

2009-08-13T20:59:00.002+09:00

Wires, lines, criss-crossing vines

Intertwining into the inters of our beings.

For the first time we're seeing,

things we took for granted,

as our eyes grazed the mere surface of placid possibilities past.

A swarming buzz of movement underground.

Stop for a second and hear those sounds.

Reverberations of a new tone,

dancing like blazing dragons on top of your dome.

Sometimes it's easier to turn around and go back to the comforts,

but you'd be missing out on life's first flirts.

They flip you and fly you to newer heights,

just let your fingers tip the top of the rainbow kites.

Minds blow.

Take it slow.

Enjoy.

Rinse.

Repeat.

Climbing in an upwards direction...

2009-06-06T16:22:00.011+09:00

I just found out that I will not be going to graduate school in Korea. I was pretty half hearted about this whole process as I treated it as merely a backup plan in the event that my other plans fell through. Never the less, when I submitted everything, a new found desire to get in erupted as I waited anxiously for a response. On Thursday evening, as I sat in front of a Baskin Robbins with Melissa and Linda, I quickly checked my e-mail on my itouch only to feel my heart drop. I felt deflated as I read those dreaded lines. We've all read them before. The, "Thank you for applying...we're sorry to inform you." I didn't realize how this rejection would effect me. I resorted to some retail therapy with Linda that night. I bought some cute dresses, but I still felt this heaviness inside. Rejections...blah!

I don't have a huge number of close friends in Korea, but I am very thankful for the ones I have made. Linda stayed up past her ajuma bed time to keep me company as I sulked through the underground shopping center. Thank you Linda! When I got home, I recharged my phone and saw that Sun-ho had called me. I called him back and we decided on the new radio schedule. I told him about my disappointing night and he invited me to go rock climbing to get that stress out. I almost declined the offer because the place was pretty far away and I just wanted to sleep my Friday away. Even up until the point when we arrived at the wall, I still didn't want to even attempt to climb it. This wall was the tallest outdoor wall I'd ever seen. It was probably 2 times higher and scarier than the one at the ARC. You know when you feel defeated, you don't want to exert yourself in any way for a while. Well, I looked at the wall and I was already giving in to more defeat. I didn't want to climb it. Despite my attitude, I went through the motions. Put on all my gear, stretched out, and next thing I knew I was climbing. The first climb was pretty good. I did the easy one and I made it to the top with relative ease. It felt good to be up there and look out into the city. There's always something therapeutic about being able to look down on the view of a city when things are a little tough. I guess it's the feeling of feeling removed from all the problems you're dealing with inside that jumble of busy streets, buildings, and people

below that gives you a small moment of reprieve. Anyways, because I'm so

weak sauce, the second climb up was a little tougher. My arms were getting tired and the fear of falling started to set in. I watched as these two high school girls climbed up the more difficult routes at least two times before I finally reached the top of my route. Still, I felt good. Got the serotonin rushing naturally through my body. On my last climb, the guys asked me if I wanted to lead. Usually when you climb, the rope is already at the top so you just climb and the person who is belyaing you takes up the slack so there is tension if you fall. When you lead, the rope isn't up there yet, you climb and then you click your rope into quick draws that are connected to the wall. So essentially, if you fall off the wall before you get hooked into your next quick draw, you'll free fall for a good 8-10 feet maybe, versus 2-3 when you're not leading. It might not sound like a big deal, but when you're climbing up 80 feet in the air, you definitely don't want to feel the sensations of a free fall for how ever long it might be. It's scary, but it's also a rush. The sound of the click every time your reach the next quick draw is one step closer to the top. When I got up to my last quarter, things started to get a lot tougher. I was pretty exhausted. Clinging to the wall with one hand as you pull up the rope with the other gets tiring when you get higher up because the rope feels so much heavier! My forearms were shaking, I was sweating, my body was stiff, my heart was racing and I really felt like I couldn't make it to the top. But there was no turning back. Sun-ho wouldn't let me come down until I reached the top. I had already given up in my head and really believed in my own self doubt. I felt a double dose of defeat creeping up my spine as I clung to the wall. I finally mustered up enough energy to try to reach the hold that seemed impossible to reach and slowly lost my grip. There I went, free falling and finding myself farther down on the wall then where I was originally. Great, I thought, just great. So I climbed back up to where I had fallen and yelled down to Sun-ho that I really didn't think I could manage to get passed that point. He yelled back, "Yes you can, you're almost there and you're doing great." It was the encouragement that boosted my confidence enough to try again. I reached down into myself and gathered up everything I had. I already fell once so that fear was no longer such a looming threat. I just climbed with all my might until I finally got to the top. I finally heard that glorious final click. I took a moment and looked around at the top, took a deep break then flew down like Batman back to the bottom. It was such a great feeling of victory!

I guess what I'm trying to do with all this imagery is paint a picture of how life is like the rock wall. Sometimes we zip up the wall no problem. Sometimes we struggle a little, and sometimes we just feel like we can't do it. We just want to be lowered down to safety without burdening ourselves with a possible fall (defeat) or exerting any more physically/emotional energy. But we have to keep going. Regardless if we fall off. Even if it means we have to stay clinging for a while to regain our energy, all while helplessly as the young bucks whiz by, we have to keep climbing. I felt really good when I finished that day. I felt like I had accomplished something, even if it was only something small. Sometimes all it takes is just the little things.

So, bringing it back. I now have this new peace about not going to grad school out here. In spite of this peace, I still have no back up plan. I'm leaping in faith into the broad expanse of my aspirations. I was just watching E True Hollywood stories about the American Idol girls Kelly, Fantasia, and Carrie. Because they're so famous now, people forget, or don't tend to focus on the details of how their lives were before AI. Kelly faced so many challenges as she attempted to land a "big break." The girls apartment burned down for goodness sake! Fantasia was rapped, dropped out of high school and had a baby. She couldn't even read at a high school level. Carrie came from a small town with little to now opportunities for anything! Regardless of these things, they continued to move forwards towards their dreams and they finally got their "big break." I know mine might be a while in the making, but I do believe I'll reach it someday. I'll reach it, hear that glorious click, look around at the view from the top, take a deep breath, then fly down like Batman.

sad day

2009-05-27T23:06:00.003+09:00

I didn't think it would be that hard of a decision.

The last few months I've been so dang tired. Teaching does that to you, especially when you're teaching at an all girl's middle school. Yikes! I already made up in my mind that I would be totally fine and ready to leave when the time came. I've had my share of teaching experience, but now it's time to move on. Unfortunately, it's not that easy. I was walking through the halls today just absorbing all the screaming, screeching, banging cabinets, feet skidding past on the tile floors; the usual sounds of any given school morning, when it dawned on me how much I'm going to miss it.

busy bee

2009-05-25T21:52:00.003+09:00

I've wanted to blog for a while but I've been so busy and exhausted I seriously haven't had any time. I miss writing. I miss being able to sit down with a clear mind and just letting the words effortlessly flow out. So, I'm just going to free write for a while and see where it leads me...

A soft roll to a thunderous crash under salty ground.

The surface cracks and thick water seeps to the beeps of the coming day.

Away thoughts fly.

Level with the sights of yesterday, scurrying to reach the next step we prep.

We prep and we prep then as quickly as the moment came it remains as stains on the coffee table.

A distant memory of a flavorful blend and a few laughs shared with friends.

Emerging to the surface too quickly, we get the bends.

Decompression begins now.

Doesn't matter if you know how.

The bubbles slide through coursing veins and the new day reins until tomorrow.

Such sweet sorrow.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Frowns underground creep as clouds on the streets and feet after foot become covered with a yellow dust.

Hand over mouth the cough can't help but shout as the suffocation breathes a deep undertone into those eyes.

With empty hands we abandon what we never had.

Iron clad ships materialize upon the harbor, beckoning a sweet song of relief.

A slight reprieve to spare of sinking lungs.

When did breathing become such a chore?

A deep inhale wreaks a buzz of panic as thoughts parade about in confusion.

Judgements cascade into a conclusion.

Still, the dust never settles.

And still, the dust never settles.

Yeah, so it's crunch time right now. I have 2 months of figure out the "next step." Life has been moving so fast I haven't had time to figure it out and the uncertainty of it all is just a little rough to handle. But, regardless, I'm loving all these exciting opportunities that have been popping up and hopefully those things will lead me somewhere. Ok, that's all for tonight. Sleep tight everyone!

young folks

2009-05-06T21:42:00.012+09:00

We didn't have to work this past Monday and Tuesday. It was fantastic. I went out to Hongdae with some friends on Monday night and we pleasured our taste buds with a delicious vegetarian meal. It felt good contributing to the cause and not eating meat that night. A few things I remember from my Animal Rights class during my last quarter of college. One of them being a quote by Pythagoras who said, "For as long as men massacre animals, they will kill each other. Indeed, he who sows the seed of murder and pain cannot reap joy and love." Word. That was one of the heaviest classes I took in college. The movies we watched and the stories we read turned me vegetarian for a month. It felt good, but after the class ended and I didn't have to endure the videos of screaming animals, I soon forgot how atrocious it was and that cheeseburger, animal style withe extra tomatoes became increasingly more irresistible. Anyways, I'm on a tangent. After our dinner, we meandered on through Reggae Bar where we sat and drank some makalee and watched the Baliwood version of Mission Impossible to the smooth sounds of sweet reggae music. It was the flipping most sensational thing ever. We wandered around through a few more places and finally ended up at FF. Since it was a Monday night, there were only a handful of people inside, which was fine by me. The music was good, classics throughout the past few decades. There's nothing better than sipping on a cool cocktail while watching the combination of "tall white guy" and "short, roundish korean guy" dance together in the most jolly of fashions to Peter, Bjorn and John's Young Folks. Not only was this probably the highlight of my weekend, but it also struck a nerve of nostalgia and brought me back to some ridiculous times. All of a sudden I couldn't stop thinking of that dingy old garage at the end of a particular cu de sac and those carefree kids just sitting and absorbing each other's aura. My heart started to feel a little squeeze, but just before I began the plunge into a longing for the past, I looked over to the most amazing duo of dancing men and I just got so overwhelmed with joy at how spectacular the moment was. I love being a young folk.

The start of a very atypical Monday night.

Now say it again in a British accent with a little sprinkle of southern twang.

Period.

Makalee at a Reggae bar...never would have imagined.

Hello Nana.

Waiting.

Hello there.

Just dance.

Talking only me and you.

life in technicolor

2009-05-04T15:21:00.008+09:00

Seoul had definitely given me a new appreciation for taking walks. You never know what's waiting just behind the corner or down the alley. A new face, a new perspective, a new experience. It's not always something glamorous or over the top. Just little things you catch out of the corner of your eye. Moments that slip by so fast, you get a tinge of excitement up your spine over the fact that you got to witness something so simple, yet amazing.

Lately, I feel more and more convicted that "you have all the time in the world" does not apply to me anymore. It definitely feels like this in college, but when you get out, you realize how fast time passes. It's hard to believe that it's already been almost a year since I graduated. It's almost been a year since I've been living in Seoul! Yikes! I don't know how much longer I'll have here. Maybe 4 months, maybe another year. But despite that, I just want to inhale as much of it as I can. I keep catching myself dwelling on the uncertainty of my next step. The fear of getting stuck is enough motivation to push me forward, but chasing your dreams, as enchanting as it may sound, is just as wearisome. Never the less, I couldn't think of anywhere else I'd want to be in life. Although living here has been short of hell in some instances, I seriously love it. I've realized that in our 20's, our lives cascade all over the place. Things change in an instant. Tomorrow isn't promised to us. We only have today. Just gotta soak it up!

Tunnel in Shinchon. Cool graffiti.

One God.

Down the rabbit hole.

I couldn't resist. I had to contribute.

Conversation with old Korean guy...

Old Korean Guy: You have to pay a fine, what are you doing?!

Us: Oh...

Old Korean Guy: Hey, what are you drawing? Looks good.

Us: ?

We ran away, but just after I snapped a photo of the half finished product.

Nothing out of the ordinary. Just the Japanese girls taking an afternoon stroll. Their sheep were close behind.

I wonder what they're thinking at this age.

Friends.

"Just because my sweatshirt says hello DOES NOT mean you can say hello to me...creep." -Melissa Lim to creepy white dude on the corner of the street.

Holler....

Even smelly standing water can be cool.

Just do it.

Go take a walk today, take your camera too! ^^

Haiku...because I'm so bored at work!

2009-04-29T11:32:00.006+09:00

Simple stones sitting

emitting a calming cool

ready to skip water.

Don't forget about the simple things in life

2009-04-28T22:15:00.009+09:00

Lately I've been feeling like the initial excitement of living in Korea has dried up. Today I took a nice little walk with Aaron and a bit of that long lost excitement came back. Seriously, working all day with crazy children while watching the daylight pass by the window will certainly suck the life out of you. Anyways, today we got off early so we were able to appreciate some mid day sunlight before it started to rain. Despite all the asbestos we probably inhaled, the acid rain that pelted our skin, and the crap that blew into our eyes during our pleasant peruse from Sinsel-dong to Sindang, it was actually quite interesting. It's just the simple things in Korea that turn that frown upside down ^^

Could there be a better surprise on the corner of a sidewalk? I think not.

Don't knock it until you try it, but after you try it, you probably won't want to try it again. Not quite sure what the concept is supposed to be, but the donuts have nothing to do with Mexico except for the little kid working behind the counter. They tasted like plastic, but if you get the powered stuff you can create cool things with it afterwards, like this smiley face for example.

Thirsty? Drink some gut!

"Die Kwon Jeng Che"

A little child's scribbles on the brick wall in an abandoned neighborhood. Somewhat creepy, but kind of cool.

Hmmm...I wonder who uses this ladder.

The greatest mystery. A few months ago we found this whole area totally abandoned. It's a pretty large area too. Houses, apartments, schools, shops, restaurants....all empty and gutted on the inside. Super eerie, but fun for exploration. I think Kwon Jeng Che may have had something to do with it.

Can't say I agree with this little message but it makes the whole scene ironic.

An RV doubling as a home and a coffee shop.

Here's a riddle for you. What is a $100,000 Maserati doing in the slums of Seoul?

Don't you just love seeing babies walking around on their own?

Aren't they cute.

Even a plant needs to be protected from the UVs.

^_^

Gotta love Korea.

Also...compliments of Shane Scott

Cheers

legs

2009-04-27T21:58:00.002+09:00

there's something about taking pictures of the waist down that i just love. there's so much ambiguity and mystery. this one wasn't on purpose though. it was raining so hard today. i was trying to take a picture of the raindrops hitting the pavement but this girl stood in front of me. i guess it worked out though. her impatient and pushy legs made for a good disruption of the original photograph.

forget about their faces, their legs are doing all the talking.

i feel like ambiguity is ruling my life right now. it's hard to believe that i've officially been a resident of 대한민국 for 8 months. that definitely flew by rather quickly. 8 months ago i felt like i had all this time to figure out the next step. but it's been hard to figure out the next step when when i've been struggling to figure out how to acclimate to living in a new country. now that the stress of adjusting has subsided, it's crunch time all over again. but all i want to do these days is take pictures of legs and play my guitar along the han river. i need some motivation before i get stuck. where's my forward momentum? i feel like i'm getting so sidetracked and distracted!

what cool people do on a friday night

2009-04-25T02:05:00.005+09:00

this what an emotionally drained girl and a rabies infected dude choose to spend their time working on during a rainy, pay day, friday night. it's probably the best advice to take while riding the metro. enjoy!

photo by: yours truly

edited by: aaron "rabies" frey

주말 잘보내세요^^

Wharf Rats

2009-04-19T10:41:00.005+09:00

We have our ups and we have our downs. Constantly we are stretched, we are challenged, we are thrown curve balls. Our lives move like the crashing waves. It can get so exhausting sometimes. It can get so overwhelming. But in the same way, those overwhelming waves, that constant, and many times annoying, ebb and flow compliments the high tides of joy and the happiness overhead. For those great seasons of blessings, there are awful seasons in the desert. It's just life. We wouldn't grow if we didn't experience that desperation. We wouldn't have endurance in those tough times if we didn't ever feel the buzz of the good times. The most important thing is that we never lose sight or give up on hope for rescue. We must remember that in the end of every hardship, regardless of how intense or how long it may be, there will be a new season that brings freshness in our lives.

There was a study done on wharf rats in Norway. Scientists took the rats and placed them in a tub of water and sprayed them with water so that they could not roll over or float. After testing many rats, they concluded that the rats could not swim longer than 20 minutes. At 20 minutes they would start drowning. They tested another batch of rats, but this time a little before the 20 minute mark they removed the rats from the water, dried them off, and placed them back in their cages. They let the rats recover for a few days. After some time passed, they put the rats back into the tubs of water to see what would happen. When it came to about 20 minutes, the rats kept swimming. At 30 minutes the rats kept swimming. At 1 hour they kept swimming. At 2 hours they were still swimming. At 4 hours, at 6 hours, at 7 hours. Can you believe that the rats kept swimming for 17 hours? Why is that? It's because they had experienced that feeling of rescue. They continued to endure, they continued to swim because they had HOPE that they would be saved in the end. Isn't that amazing? We have to be like the wharf rats. We have to keep swimming. We've all been privileged and blessed by the fact that we have experienced joys that many people in this world cannot even comprehend. So regardless of whatever hardships we are facing, we have to keep swimming, we have to endure, and we have to keep the faith. Have faith that the time will come when we'll finally be pulled out of the tub. Have faith that rest will come when we can regain our strength, share our joys, and strengthen and encourage each other with our stories before we are thrown into that tub again to swim.

So if you're swimming right now (I'm definitely swimming) then don't give up hope! Keep swimming! Just keep swimming! Visualize yourself on the other side, and you'll get there.

saying goodbye

2009-02-13T00:43:00.006+09:00

It's never easy to say good-bye, especially when you know there's a small chance of ever crossing paths again. I'm sitting here at 1am being super emo kid. My 3rd graders had their graduation ceremony today. In a few weeks, they're going to be in high school. I know I've only been their teacher for 4 months, but saying good-bye to them was a lot harder than I thought it would be. These girls definitely took me by surprise with their quirky, yet sweet personalities. It was crazy seeing them all sitting together in the auditorium. The last time I saw them sitting together like that was the first week of school for the Centennial Ceremony. I looked into the sea of faces and had absolutely no connection with them. I didn't know who they were, I didn't know their names, I didn't know what their hobbies were or who they're favorite pop stars were. Today, I looked at the rows of beaming faces, and knew exactly who they were. They were all my beautiful students. I've spent a semester being a part of their lives, teaching them English while they gave me such a fresh and vibrant perspective on life. I'm really going to miss them. As a teacher, I wonder if you ever get used to saying good bye to your students.

look out thailand!

2009-02-10T22:26:00.002+09:00

You know how in California, you can act out of spontaneity and take an 8 hour drive that will lead you to San Fran? Well in Seoul, 8 hours will land you many places such as....THAILAND!

At my school, the students go on winter break from the end of December until the beginning of February. They come back to school for 1 week to clean the classrooms and prepare for the coming school year. The 3rd graders also find out which high schools they get placed into. This momentous event happened today...it was nuts. My co-teacher came to my desk and told me that they 3rd graders were going to be getting their assignments and that our class would be starting 10 minutes later. When the bell rang for class, I hung back at my desk trying to find tickets to Thailand. A few minutes later, I heard shrieking eruptions coming from down the hallways. My co-teacher ran to my desk and said, "Ok, we can start class now." When I got into the class my heart sank. Some of my favorite students had the most miserable looks on their faces. As I was getting my power point ready, I mouthed to one of the students in the front row, "What's wrong?" With a dejected look on her cute little face she picked up a little slip of paper and pointed at it; her high school assignment. I seriously wanted to stop everything and give her a huge hug, but instead I could only smile and say, "It's going to be ok." She nodded and put her head down on the desk. I'm really going to miss my 3rd graders. They graduate this Friday. It's very weird this feeling. I was their teacher for a semester, they were my first batch of students, and now I'll never see them again. It was definitely a tough semester. Teaching isn't as easy as some may think, but these little girls seriously stole my heart.

So like I said, graduation is this Friday. Then, no school until March 2nd; the new school year. I was originally supposed to come into work during those two weeks, but our teacher's room is getting renovated so no one is coming in. Can't let two weeks go to waste right?! After a frantic 24 hours of trying to find cheap flights, my friend Dani and I bought our tickets this afternoon, Bangkok bound! This is my first real "trip" outside of the US. I don't think Korea really counts because it's my residence, but other than weekends in Mexico and Canada, this is my first real TRIP! I'm so freaking excited! Nothing is set for sure, but we're going to be hitting up Bangkok, Phuket (pronounced poo-get), and Krabi. Definitely want to do a jungle trek on an elephant, sleep in safari tents in the rainforest, go snorkeling, search out some hidden temples, watch some muay thai (no betting of course because it's illegal), get some massages on the beach, and eat some amazing pad thai! Paradise here I come!

it happened.

2009-02-05T07:42:00.002+09:00

Adjusting is never easy. It's one of those processes you try to appreciate, but deep down inside you just want to get it over with. They say it takes about a year to fully get adjusted to a new place. That's pretty daunting to hear when you've only just nicked the surface of that year. The first months of living alone in Seoul was a constant dichotomy of love and loathing. After returning from my month long break in the states, being back felt comforting. I was reunited with what I missed in Cali, but reminded of what I had in Korea. When the airport limo bus dropped me off in my hood, I couldn't help but think, "Ahhh, home." I was actually surprised that I was so happy to be back. I have a new appreciation for this place and for the life I've started here. The second half is looking promising. I love this city!

The present

2009-01-21T13:58:00.007+09:00

I'm sitting on my comfy blue couch watching a girl dying on TV. Not real dying, but pretend dying. My two little doggies are wandering to and fro at my feet; unsure of whether to sit or make attempts to con food from my brother. It's true what they say about puppy dog eyes; you can never say no. They're tags make a lyrical jingle each time their stubby legs move across the tile. Finally, the younger one finds a resting place near my dad on the recliner. "My Sugar Plum" he calls her. He'll do anything for those dogs. I remember when I was younger he told me the reason I couldn't get a dog was because eventually it would die and it would be too sad for me to take. After seeing him with our dogs, I realize it's him that wouldn't be able to take it, he's so attached. It's rather cute though, watching him with them. I think of all our family, they stick closer to him.

My sister is perched on the back of another recliner. Her hair swallowed in a mass of towel, she's wearing the pj's I brought home for her from Seoul. On her wrist is a blue sweatband with an anteater on it. She wears it for luck so that one day she'll get accepted to her dream college, UCI. I can't believe how grown she is. Whenever I think of her, I think of the clingy 5 year old who was afraid to flush the toilet. Now, she's a young lady. She's spunky, witty, and also a thief. I left a lot of my clothes at home before I left for Korea and apparently she's been, in her own words, "making sure they see some sunlight."

My brother is sitting to the left of me. He's grown so much too. Apparently, he knows everything, is never wrong, and will go above and beyond to make sure you know he's right. My mom said I was the same way when I was his age, I find it hard to believe. Just a minute ago I looked over and he was drinking a Mountain Dew. A few seconds ago, he held the can to my nose after he slyly farted in it. Teenage boys are so disgusting.

It's funny how experience changes your mentality. When I was 18, I couldn't wait to get away from this house and the people in it. Now, I just want to be here with them. Moments like this where I can sit on the couch and just inhabit the same air as my family don't happen that often anymore. As meaningless as it might seem, I truly cherish it. I want to know my family better. I feel like my brother and sister are different people now, well, maybe not different but they're becoming young people. They're starting to form their own ideas about the world and how life works. They have opinions and experience to back it up. It's so amazing to me. I want to know my parents more, to know what kinds of emotions they felt when they were my age.

I love being home. Everything about it shouts peace and relaxation. Although our situation right now is far from that, the fact that we're together makes the biggest problems seem so harmless. I'm so blessed to have this family, as weird and disgusting as they may be at times, well all the time, there's none other like them, and none other that knows me the way they do. I have such an understanding mother, the best mentor in the world. My dad, his words may be few, but the love that pours out of his heart for his family is so immense. The older I get, the less I see them as fierce disciplinarians, but as beautiful friends. When I was at the library today, a cute firecracker of an old lady started up conversation with me. She asked me about my future plans and what I was interested in. We shared a few laughs. As she was leaving, she abruptly turned to look at me and said with a huge grin that revealed her shiny crowns,

"I have one piece of advice I want to give you about growing old."

"What's that?" I asked.

With a bit of a cackle she yelled, "Don't do it! Good luck with your life hunny."

"Good luck with yours too!" I replied.

Although it would be nice to never grow old, I don't think it's so bad. Growing old is better than not growing at all. Although they may be older than me, my parents are still growing and learning just like my siblings and I are. Realizing this has been something special. Regardless of how old we are, we are always learning; learning from each other. It's a beautiful thing.

Here's to family, and growing with the people you love. Let's cherish the time we have.

products

2009-01-16T09:11:00.006+09:00

I can't really put my finger on these emotions that continue to pass through me. It's a constant push and pull across a spectrum of feelings. Lately, my mind wanders carelessly regardless of what I'm doing; never really able to concentrate and focus on what's in front of me. It's fascinatingly frustrating. Constantly lost in thought since I've been back home, I feel so consumed in this wide open space. I can't say I really enjoy it, but at the same time I'm convincing myself to appreciate it. After all, experience is our greatest instrument right? Like the ever persistent salty tide, experience continues to ebb and flow, eroding away at this pridefulness and arrogance I carry so stiffly on my shoulders. Lessons in humility never lose their bite, and they definitely never go away.

When we were younger, we were given such a picturesque idea of adulthood. We were spoon fed stories of success and the good life. As children, we were so far from reality. We were so protected from cold hard truths as we saw the neatly trimmed, finished product. The path that gets you there was unaccounted for. I guess one of the hardest growing pains happens when we realize what it really takes for us to get there. Success doesn't just flutter through the front door on a sleepy summer afternoon (although it would be nice). No, no, there are way too many variables involved once we cross the partitions and step into the big wide world. I'm definitely not trying to say any of this is bad, nor am I saying I wish it were easier. I guess it's just the unsettled feeling of uncertainty, like the high pitched ringing sound in your ear that lingers past it's welcome, that I don't think I'll ever get used to. It's more than just being at a fork in the road, I feel like I'm at a delta with all channels leading out to the magnificent sea. As exciting as it might be, it's equally, if not more overwhelming. One minute I'm marveling at the beauty of the journey ahead, envisioning myself at the end. Then before I can take another breath, the shrinking feeling swarms my body like a million buzzing bees as I look across the vastness of all these decisions I have to make to reach my dreams. I can't help but feel so fearful and scared. Yet, what is fear except a starting point right? I just finished reading this amazing book called The Dream Giver, by Bruce Wilkinson. It's extremely encouraging and uplifting as it talks about The Big Dream we all have in our lives. One of the sections touches upon fear. Fear is obviously the biggest and most constant road block we face. Fear never disappears, therefore we are called to be strong and take courage.

What is courage? Courage is not the absence of fear; rather, it's choosing to act in spite of the fear. You could say that without fear, you can't have genuine courage.

When you do act in courage, you discover that fear doesn't have to stop you. You see that what you thought were your limits are more like starting points.

To take courage, you have to decide to go forward anyway.

Just going through the mid-twenty motions right now, but I'm definitely trying to make them forward motions. Yay, life!

paper

2009-01-12T14:08:00.001+09:00

Before I left for Seoul, life in Cali was rather hectic. Before I had the opportunity to wipe the summer sweat from my brow, graduation happened and SPOP was over. Before I had the chance to take one more look behind me into the euphoric mass of people and memories of college life, there was only the glassy Pacific ocean that peered back. That was almost 5 months ago. Life happens fast doesn't it?

Living in a Korea has been quite the eye opener. More than just a cultural experience, it's given me a new perspective on the life I've lived in the states--the life I've taken for granted. I understand why the outside world looks at us the way it does--like we're all rich. In Korea, when you go shopping, you definitely don't want to speak any English or you'll get ripped off. The first times I experienced this I would get so angry and just walk away. After living there for a while, and then coming back to the states, I've realized, regardless of what my socio-economic background is, the fact that I live in America puts me higher up on the global food chain. Coming back to the states gave me a new revelation in terms of how good we really have it here. Despite the fact that we're in a recession and it's the "worsts it's ever been," we still have it pretty damn good compared to the rest of the world. We're still a first world country, we still have easy access to clean water, and we still have the luxury of wasting SO much of everything. Even the poorest in America still have cars, TVs, computers, garbage disposals, washers and driers. In Korea, it's a luxury to have a drier, and no one has a garbage disposal, the majority of the population hang dries.

When I first got to Korea, I definitely had a problem with the cups and paper products. All cups are usually the size of a small dixie cup from a water cooler and napkins and toilet paper are single ply. I guess the cup thing was easy to get used to, but the paper thing took a while. Let me explicate. A standard restaurant napkin in Seoul is the size of 2 toilet paper squares, and for some reason it never seems like any Korean ever needs to use them. When I first got there I would use like 20 napkins and they'd sit crumpled and stained in front of me like snowy hills for a diorama. After a while, I learned how to minimize my napkin use. I guess I didn't realize this until I came back to the states and I got handed my first stack of napkins from McDonalds; it was like a small pillow. So many napkins! My old self would have thrown them out when I was done with the meal, but I left the extras in my glove box, in case of emergency. Now, the toilet paper thing. There are three things you must know before heading into a public restroom in Seoul. First of all, not all public restroom have toilets you can sit on, most of them time you have to squat. It can be a little tricky at first, but with practice, it's actually super quick and easy and it saves your tushie in the winter time. Second, not all public restrooms have toilet paper. They actually have vending machines outside most of them that sell little packets of tissues. If a place has toilet paper, it's usually in a dispenser outside of the stalls and you stock yourself up before you head in. Third, Korean bathrooms stink like shit because dirty toilet paper is thrown inside the trash cans. It's really gross, but you get used to it. Well, not really, I don't really follow that rule, but shhhh, don't tell anyone ok?

flying backwards

2008-12-17T22:32:00.005+09:00

cool breeze.

warm squeeze.

contemplating a moment of ease.

secret rumors escape through breath,

collapsing lung and life.

driven by the delicacy of time,

hands fall forward.

and motions move back like the raging undercurrent.

drawn as thick, red velvet curtains

the dust dances off the fringes.

then,

the lights go out.

end scene.

this doesn't mean everything has to be over.

I got heavy inspiration for this piece from a magazine. Although not exactly the same, I still feel like a knock off artist. I'm currently trying to force my decline in creativity to come to a halt. Mainly because I'm sick of staring at the blank sheets of paper in my notebook with pen in hand for hours on end, then setting them both down with nothing to show for it. So, if I have to get more than a little inspiration from other things, I'll take that from now. Hopefully it'll be a good exercise to get my own creative juices flowing.

My guitar was adapted from some Indian henna designs. I wanted to add more at the top, but I started to over analyze it in my head. I hate when that happens. Anyways, this is phase I, hopefully I'll be able to add some more soon.

my neighbor

2008-12-10T15:51:00.004+09:00

before he was here.

i know he had another life. maybe not "another" life, but he had a different one. i always try to catch his glance when i walk by, but he never pays much attention to anyone. those tender eyes that rest on his weathered face are always so deep in thought, adrift in ruminations and places long past. he seems to be suspended in those moments. the moments that may have had a sweeter tempo, allowing him to at least kick up his heels once in a while when he walked. the instances before he found himself sitting on the frozen curb watching his breath move in the cold air to pass his time. at first glance, you would never think he made his residence on the hard sidewalks. he keeps himself rather clean. always bundled up in his big black coat, his round face sitting atop his assemblage of warmth. some days he looks more tired than others. on those days in particular, i really just want to stop and give him a hug, i want to tell him that i'm so sorry. i'm sorry that he has to stuff his bedding away behind a dumpster in the morning and use a stick to get it out every night. i'm sorry that he has to rummage through my trash to find boxes and paper to sleep on. i'm sorry that his food is always cold. i'm sorry that he has to sleep outside in 15 degree weather.

i don't know what kind of life he had before this one. my mind races through all the possible misfortunes and tragedies he may have endured whenever i tread past his presence. i wish i knew. whatever they may have been, whether "his fault" or the world's fault, no one should have to sleep outside in the cold. some of my students come to my desk and talk to me between and after classes. the other day, we were talking about how cold the weather was getting and one of my girls said, "in the winter time many homeless people die, and in the summer too." when she said that my eyes teared up as my thoughts whirled around my neighbor.

i suppose it's so easy to be a pessimist. to think that nothing will ever get better; that the rich will continue to exploit the poor for their benefit. to think that as technology continues to boom, the number of inward thinking, isolated people will also continue to grow as well. although technology has done a great many things for some people, it has hurt more. it has created a greater gap between global north and global south. some may argue that the Internet is good because we now have the world at our finger tips, we can see suffering, become more educated and help more people. but with one click, we can just as easily shield ourselves from it. why stare at pictures of bloated babies and feel uncomfortable and guilty for being too lazy to give them your money when you can look at pictures of britney spears, laugh and not spend a cent. way more thrilling right? there are so many who don't have the option of clicking to another page because the pain and suffering of this world is their reality. sure, technology has allowed us to become more aquatinted and informed about the social evils in this world, but what are we doing about it? we see pictures, we read stories, we feel a little sad, but then we plug ourselves into our ipods and zone out on guitar rifts and electronic vibrations. why is that? because we have been raised in a country that has condoned us and conditioned us to tune others out. with every text message, bbm, phone call, e-mail alert, sports update, gambling update, whatever else update ringing from our back pockets, it's become socially OK to be rude. it's become ok to cut someone off when they're trying to tell you something important because our electronic life is screaming for our attention. just as easily as we can cut someone off standing in front of us, it's even easier to cut off the hungry people who live in foreign lands.

although it is easy to be pessimistic, there is more that can be accomplished by being optimistic. and there is even more that can be attained when we put that optimism into action. we can sit around in our privileged lives and hope that the world gets better. but nothing will change without action. now is not a time to just read about what's going on and hope for a change, things must be done to accomplish change. these things require us to stop thinking so much about ourselves and think more for others. we many not have much as college students or recently graduated college students, but as citizens of the US, we, by default, have incredibly more than others. sparing even one measly $1 is a huge contribution for the cause. did you know that the republic of congo in central africa is the poorest country today with a GDP-per capita of $300 being followed by liberia with a GDP-per capita of $500. yeah. think about that. we can't even imagine what it's like to live under those conditions, but think about what your dollar can do there.

anyways, i guess the meat of my tangent for today has to do with my future aspirations. the more i think about all these issues, the more i get excited about what i can do to change certain circumstances. i can't wait to be a professor.

i leave you with this quote from bertrand russell, a british philosopher and nobel peace prize laureate for literature. it really moved me.

Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

Geeez

2008-12-03T17:34:00.003+09:00

It's been a while since I've written anything. Mainly due to the fact that I continue to fall victim to this road block of words, of fully being able to express myself with the perfect diction and verbiage. But honestly, if you don't use it, you lose it, so I'm forcing myself to write now. Forget standards, for get "perfect"...hahaha it's so hard though right? I just need to remember that more than anything, I'm writing to express, and expression has no standard. Also, I'm studying for the GRE, so I want to start practicing words. Today's words are, "aberrant, aberration, and abet." Look out for them below :) Since it's been a while, let me catch you all up.

I feel like a normal person again.

These first 3 months of being cast out like loaded dice onto this tiny peninsula has been a roller coaster to say the least. I say loaded because although this adventure has stretched me and squeezed me and thrown me in so many different directions, I'm right where I'm supposed to be, where God intended me to be.

You know those moments you have in life, when you feel like the bottom is about to fall out. When you watch everything you thought you were --- all the toiling experiences that created these elegant perceptions, the tinges of enlightenment, and the exuberant epiphanies about life dance listlessly past your fingertips and whooosh into nothingness. Whoa, what just happened? Who am I? How did I get here? Do I know anything? Yes, I'm talking about that moment of utter panic when you can't stop the sweat from running down your face (so embarrassing when that happens) and you question everything and doubt anything valid about who you thought you were. Is this really what life after college is supposed to be like? Um, sorry sweetie pie, but yes it is. As much as it sucks, it is as necessary as manure. It stinks, but without it, nothing would grow. So yes, I've come to realize that true life isn't like your last year in college. You're seriously on top of the world at this point. Once you step outside the boundaries of undergrad life, the ocean is much bigger. It's definitely overwhelming, it's definitely uncomfortable, it's definitely something you're aberrant about stepping into because of how good you had it back on Campus Dr. You come to the end of college feeling like you conquered it all, but it's really a false sense of "all," because all that we've known is what has existed in the confines of university life. In our frame of reference, we remember how good it was 1 month ago, and how hard it is now. It's easy to get tossed into the mentality which leads you to believe that this current unhappiness is the ultimate end. It clouds our vision and impedes us from moving forwards at times. All we know is what we feel, and sometimes it gets the best of us. I suppose more so for us girls because we function emotionally. Despite that, we can't forget how things started for us. In college, we began as little seeds and grew into trees. It took a lot of time and energy and work. Well, post grad life = planting time all over again; gotta put in that time, energy and work. When you've reached then end of a chapter in your life, it's nice to see the fruits of your labor, but you can't dwell there. I can't tell you how much these last few months have humbled me, made me realize that I definitely don't know it all. The more you resist, the harder you fall to your knees, and you can almost hear your bones crush on the floors. The greatest thing though, is when you realize that you don't need to know it all. It's ok to feel uncertainty and doubt. I'm going to be 24 years old tomorrow, and I'm not expected to have any answers right now. You want answers from Hannah Johnson, sorry she ain't got none. For the first time since I've been 23, I'm actually excited about being 24! I'm excited to see what this first year of real life will bring. I talked to a lady at my church the other day, her name is Regina. She's 50 years old, has raised 4 children back in Chicago, and just got her B.A. a year ago. She moved to Korea to teach and of course for the experience. But you want to hear the coolest part, next week she'll be taking her LSATs. She wants to be a criminal lawyer and continue her years helping those who can't help themselves. Talking to her was such a blessing. In 1 conversation, the girth of my worries and stresses about the future diminished. It's never too late to do anything, and I'm only 24! Wow. So I guess it just comes down to this, in the words of a man much wiser than I, "The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we stand, but in what direction we are moving." Thank you Mr. Holmes. I didn't realize the true magnitude of these words until I moved to Seoul.

Happy Pepero Day!!!

2008-11-11T21:45:00.004+09:00

Today is 11/11, Veteran's Day in the states but here in S. Korea it's Pepero Day!!! For those of you who don't know Pepero, you may be more familiar with it's Japanese counterpart Pocky Sticks. The thin little cracker sticks covered in chocolate, some are filled with chocolate, some have nuts on them, some are strawberry, others are vanilla...oh yes, you know what I'm talking about. Well here in Korea, they're called Pepero. Pepero Day is similar to Valentines Day and is celebrated on the 11th because 11/11 looks like 5 sticks of pepero. Apparently, this tradition of exchanging packs started about 10 years ago in Pusan by young school girls as a good luck charm for growing taller. Though it's a cute story, we all know how marketing schemes work. Similar to the way Hallmark and Hershey's profit from Valentine's Day, Lotte profits from Pepero Day. Never the less, it was really fun getting pepero from my students today. The single wrappers have a thick pepero in it. The girls were also giving away 2 feet long peperos. When I walked into one of my classes, they had made a huge heart of pepero boxes and had it hanging on the wall. So cute. Anyways, I have a life time supply of these things now and unfortunately I don't even really like them. Oh well, Happy Pepero Day everyone!

after tonight

2008-11-08T00:30:00.007+09:00

1: Mace

I've decided that I want to buy some mace. I've never really considered doing this before because I've never really doubted my security. I grew up in a small town where it would take you 15 minutes to drive from one end to the other, and that's with hitting the red lights. We were so drenched in boredom there was no room to be scared. Then, there was college. Of course it was a bigger city, but we lived in Orange County. The only thing you really had to be afraid of were the plastic ladies with their self induced paralyzed faces and their anorexic, yappy dogs. Yet despite all of that, I lived in a safe community with family or friends. People I knew lived all around me. As a female, it's not uncommon to experience those moments when you feel as though you're safety is threatened. Living in the OC, I never really felt this threat. Living by yourself, without the comfort of your friends or the familiarity of the area is different. Feeling secure...well you don't really feel secure. For the most part, Seoul is a safe city. I mean, little kids ride the city buses, subways, and taxis all by themselves. Despite that, when night hits, the devil comes out. Korean's love to drink. It's so intense over here that Korea has become known for it's "Drinking Culture." The alcohol is so ingrained that it's a "culture." Did you know that alcoholism wasn't even a concept until just recently. People didn't know that it was a problem because everyone seemed to have it, it was just a norm. Anyways, I'm getting off topic. At night, doesn't matter if it's the weekend, if you're on one of the last subways and you're a girl, cover your head, don't make eye contact and just hope that no one bothers you. Today for example, I was walking downstairs to the subway and this drunk man comes running behind me. I thought he needed help so I stopped to see what he wanted and he starts yelling, "Hey, hey, gobble, gobble." When I saw glazed over eyes that were just staring off into the distance, I turned around and kept walking. He kept following and yelling at me, so I started running and hid behind a pillar until he got distracted with something else. Although I was around other people, for a moment, I felt a little fearful. I waited for the subway and when it came I jumped on. Probably 80% of the people were drunk men. The guy sitting across from me had his head down and was swaying back and forth. About 6 or 7 stops later, he popped and slimy vomit just went all over him and his shoes. He got up to leave, but not before throwing up again on the door. I finally got to my transfer and when I was walking I encountered another old drunk guy. He stopped in front of me and was trying to get up in my personal space, so I pushed him and just kept walking. Again, it's creepy, but not too scary because I know that there are people around. Although I take my precautions, there's still that fear. Especially after seeing all the drunk men on the subway who are bigger than me and knowing that the nearest friend is 25 minutes behind me and doesn't have a car.

2: Breathing

Pollution in Korea is bad. It isn't as bad as China, but it's worse than L.A. Although I quit smoking, I feel like living here is worse than being a smoker in Cali, especially since I'm walking all the time. So, I've decided to give in. I don't care if it looks dorky, I'm gonna buy a face mask. I'm gonna try to find a cool one, or buy one and bedazzle it! I'm actually really excited about this new mission/project. This little guy is rocking a pretty cool one. I wanted to snap some pictures of the ones they wear here, but I would feel like such a creep.

3: Bond

I watched James Bond tonight. Please don't watch this movie. It's so horrible. Everything is over the top and the ending sucks. I feel like they've just exploited the franchise and he doesn't have a personality, he's just a pimp who's not even that good looking.

Fake Plastic

2008-11-02T21:04:00.010+09:00

What happened to your face?
Dressed in lace,
you succumbed to society's mace.

Plastic poisons injected into brittle bones,
brought up by the poor spirits,
the bored spirits.

Trapped behind fall colored fashion, a mockery of God.

Beauty has fallen, vanquished by the knife. A spear to fill the gaps of a self destructing culture.

The images foretell the end to this tale.
The feeding of a growing emptiness epidemic.
More is never enough on this mission --

A mutilation of perfect art.

Always seeking, never sought.

Always taking, but then it's forgot.

wings

2008-10-29T16:53:00.008+09:00

sing like a sycamore, buzz like a bee
when did it pay to not be me?
instead i ask to seek things unseen.
to live a life where i'm not a fiend,
for of this world, i knew nothing of,
except for once when i felt true love.
but now the clouds have parted their ways,
even so, the ocean still crashes and sand still waves
and it will continue to be, forevermore.
when you think it can't bleed, the heart just pours
i glance at a picture of myself walking out the door
and i ask myself
is this a vision or is life this real?
it's as though i'm losing control of all i feel.
i drop to the ground and on my knees i kneel,
oh please let this not be my last meal.
is anybody listening or are my words lost in the wind?
i feel like something's burning from depths within.
oh consuming fire swallow me tonight,
be my wings as my soul takes flight.
into the air and away i wanna go,
please just take me to a place that nobody knows.
take me to that place and leave me all alone.

Zot Zot in Seoul?!

2008-10-27T19:24:00.003+09:00

Today I went to get a flu shot. As I was coming back from the little clinic I stopped off at Sungshin Woman's University to go shopping. It was one of those moments when I really wished I had my camera. That part of the city is really refreshing. Reminds me a lot of San Fran with it's hills and brick buildings. I perused through the little shops and as I was shuffling through a rack of clothes the sales lady came up to me and said in korean, "This is California fashion." In my head I was thinking, "Oh California, I know that place." I shuffled through some sweatshirts and what did I find but this little dime piece! Of all the places to find a UCI sweatshirt! So those of you with a UCI sweatshirt, wear it with pride, because it represents "Caleponia pashion" in a little dinky shop somewhere on the streets of Seoul. Holla!!! Anyways, I totally have so many sweatshirts, but I had to buy this one. It really made me miss home and my past life.
So, my update. I'm so over cigarettes and I totally made it through the withdrawals...we'll for the most part. There's a few of them that are still lingering, but I think the worst is over. Work is good. My creative juices are getting a little exhausted though. At work I have the oldest computer in the room. Everyone else has nice flat screen new ones. I got stuck with the dusty old PC that freezes and crashes every 2 minutes. I guess you can say that my patience is growing in every possible way; with the kids and with life...and that's an understatement. Too tired to elaborate. Life is just happening to me, and it's kicking my ass for the better. :)

Withdrawls

2008-10-22T17:07:00.011+09:00

Today will mark my 11th day without smoking a cigarette. I was a smoker for 5.5 years of my life. During those 5.5 years I spent an average of $1800 (maybe more) on cancer packs and probably around $300 on lighters. I attempted quitting 10 times, seriously attempted quitting 3 times, succeeded 0 times. The longest period of time that I went without a cigarette was 7 days. Although technically you could say it was a month, I totally cheated...serveral times.

At this point in my life, I am experiencing smoker's withdrawal symptoms. What's that like you ask? Well, usually when you take a look at a smoking cessation pamphlet, they list these symptoms:

* tingling in the hands and feet
* sweating
* intestinal disorders (cramps, nausea, constipation, gas, stomach pain)
* headache
* cold/flu like symptoms (sore throat, coughing)
* intense food cravings
* insomnia
* irritability
* anxiety
* depression
* vagueness
* boredom
* feeling cooped up
* fatigue
* dizziness
* tight chest pain
* weight gain
* restlessness

They aren't joking. For someone who has been smoking for only 5 years, I have experienced all of these, and it's been torture. Definitely NOT fun, and NOT easy to overcome. I know this is why I haven't been blogging, I can't concentrate, I get antsy, I get irritated, then I just erase and don't finish. On Monday, I called in sick to school because I was so exhausted and I was having the WORST intestinal cramps and my chest was so tight I wanted to cry. I slept all day Monday. When I went to school on Tuesday, I spent most of the day sleeping in the teacher's lounge and during class I had my students watch Finding Nemo. My co-teachers were really concerned for me after I threw up and wanted to take me to the hospital, but I had to forcefully talk them out of it. I just told them I would be better soon. Seriously, how was I supposed to explain to two Korean women who live in a society where smoking as a woman is soooo looked down on that I was going through withdrawal symptoms from being a smoker? Exactly, you don't. Although the last few days have been difficult, I'm just keeping my eye on the goal; looking forward to that day when all the chemicals will be normal in my body again. When things get really bad, I usually pray, stuff my face with chocolate, or look at disgusting pictures of smoker lungs to get me through the episode.

When I look at this, I wonder how black my lungs are. Anyways, to my smoker friends out there. I am encouraging you all to quit smoking. Believe in yourself that you can do it, and also give yourself the opportunity to dodge lung, tongue, esophageal, or mouth cancer. What's the point of smoking? What purpose does it serve? Is the satisfaction that it gives you worth more than the cost of chemotherapy 40 years down the line? Exercise some will power and stop being a prisoner to these consumer products made from the exploited hands of laborers around the world. Think about other ways you could be spending that $5. While we carelessly blow that money on cigs, then sit and enjoy putting tar into our lungs, people in other parts of the world struggle to make that much money in a week. Let's help out the human race for once, and not ourselves.

http://www.unicef.org/index.php
http://www.childrenshungerfund.org/

So try it out, try quitting! If you're still hesitant, and you don't think you can do it, I am asking you to give up smoking for at least a month and try donating that month's worth of cancer stick $$$ to one of those organizations. If you can't save your life, at least try to save someone else's. but seriously, YOU CAN DO IT!!! If I can manage to do it in a country that has been named a Smoker's Paradise, then you can certainly do it wherever you are. For those of you who haven't been smoking for that long, it's better if you quit now, it's a lot easier! For those of you who have been smoking longer, QUIT NOW, it's only going to get harder, and the withdrawals will be even more intense. Believe in yourself, I know you have the ability to do it. You have a will power that could make mountains crumble! FFFIGHTING!

splove!

spare change?

2008-10-06T17:22:00.005+09:00

perplexed, i reflect on the song of the rejects.
watching as they scramble to manage letters into words.
since when was speaking such a crime?
a murmur of the soul left trapped within a creaky wooden box
as the key is flung into a relentless crowd.
these ones adorn a tattered shroud.
left to haunt the city as ghosts,
invisible to those who chose not to see.
it's a clever tool used to leave the forgotten forgot.
while on the first floor,
merry men sit and stuff their faces to oblige their bellies.
they consume with a gaze that stirs a craze from hearts of desire.
i hesitate to inquire.
but the image is to daunting to brush away.
a hope crushed struggles to live another day.
and so they remain.
in the same gutters and alleys in which they came.
"spare change to clear your conscious?"

photographer: aaron frey

psycho analysis of korea

2008-09-29T21:38:00.007+09:00

i've kind of been going through this funk. i think it's a funk from finding myself at the bottom of the pit again. at a place where life starts and new foundations begin to build. it's always hard to see the view when you don't even have a structure to stand on. it's tough, but i know that in the end, i will find myself in a place where i can look down and say, "i just did that, can life get any better?" i suppose that is always the motivation to keep driving forward regardless of whatever hardships we face. though we may not see the end of the tunnel yet, we can only imagine and hope for what that feeling will be like -- that feeling of accomplishment and validation in our abilities to persevere and overcome these obstacles and challenges.

my work as a teacher is hard. i love it, but it's definitely very challenging, especially with the language barrier, and especially since they are tweenies. some days they come in so excited to learn, other days they just want to goof off. some days they seem interested and engaged, others they are distant and bored. it's hard because their levels of english vary so much. i have some 1st graders that are more advanced than my 3rd graders. as you can imagine, it's hard to make lessons that fit with everyone. it's also hard to do the same lesson 18 times using the same jokes when i know that my co-teachers have heard them at least 4 times. despite all of this, the little progress that i do see is the most amazing thing. when i hear my girl's voices echoing down the hall of things i've taught them, it makes me so happy. when i see them make the effort to speak english whenever i pass by to catch my attention, i can't help but smile. i feel so privileged to be the one that gets to teach them English. at the same time, this excitement is also a little tarnished by my apprehensions about what i'm actually doing here. hmmm, what does that mean? well let me give you a little 4-1-1 on korea and english.

as many of you may know, korea is crazy about learning english right now. for obvious reason, english gives you a competitive edge and a little more leverage in the international market. english has become the international language. why? because we, the native english speakers come from a land of power and money. everyone else is struggling to be like us. so, over 3000 native english teachers were hired by the korean government to teach in the public schools. now, we get paid pretty well, so it's hard to complain. a great salary, free housing, and practically free lunch every day at school. our schools pay for many of our basic furnishings and appliances, so we're set when we get here. president crazy-man lee has this vision of having every student fluent in english my the time they reach high school. his master plan is to have math and science taught completely in english by the year 2012ish or 15 (can't remember the exact date). seriously now? as if korean students don't have enough stress. the average korean household spends about 14 trillion won annually on private english tutoring/after school programs. in addition to how much the government alone is spending on english education, a lot of freaking money is being paid to us native english speakers. the reason i feel so apprehensive is due to what i've seen of this country so far. the president has said that the vicious cycle of poverty that exists in korea could come as a result of the english divide (between those who can afford private tutoring and those who can't). let me tell you, there is a huge gap between the wealthy and the poor in korea, and it's wicked sad. two-thirds of s. korea's population live in seoul. everyone else lives in what is non-affectionately know as the "shee ghol" - the coutryside, the boonies. it's where the poor folk live. if it's not seoul, then it's the see ghol. there is hardly a middle class in korea, which is where the problem lies. how can a government say that teaching english will bridge the divide between the poor and the rich, when it will only separate it. i was talking to one of my friends who has a friend working outside of seoul. his friend told him that many of the students outside of seoul are incredibly poor and live with their grandparents. their parents leave them to live/work in the city to try to make a living. the resources in the schools are minimal and the level of english that the students are at in comparison to their seoul counterparts are not definitely not equal. he told me that he wanted his friend to move into the city to teach, but she didn't want to because the kids outside of the city need a lot of love. so still, the ones who are really learning english are those who can afford to pay for the private classes. but how can a government, and so many families justify spending so much money towards this venture when they can't even help their poor? the welfare system here is practically non-existent. it is so sad. my heart breaks when i see the beggars in the subway stations. they are old, poor, disabled, starving, cold people living in the tunnels of this "high-tech" city. if this is how the poor are in the city, i can't even imagine what it's like in the see ghol. i understand now what professor uriu meant about korea's "growth first ideology." growth first, that's the bottom line. to be the best at any expense, even if it's their own people. korea has had to deal with a lot of catching up, and a lot of set backs along the way, which is why i feel they are so fervent in their endeavors to be so competitive at any cost. i don't know, i may be over stepping my boundaries, and i may be just speaking out of ignorance because i really have never and will never truly understand what it means and what it is to be korean. but in my opinion, this growth first ideology is all jacked up. not just in political terms, but in social terms. korea's economic growth in such a short period has really opened the flood gates. i see it as the younger, deprived child, and now that it acquired a little success, it's painting the town red. the materialism in this country is so nuts. not to say that america is any better, but seriously, korean's are obsessed with the latest fashion, the newest and coolest toys, gadgets and gizmos. you have to get the new one, the best one, the shiny one, the one that the anorexic french models are wearing. you have to mutilate your face otherwise you won't be beautiful. here's a fact for you, did you know that 1 in every 2 women in korea have had some sort of cut, sew or prick done to their face. i honestly don't care if someone choses to augment their body, it's their choice, but what does it mean when 50% of the women in a country are drastically changing their facial features all for the sake of being "the best?"

so, i don't quite know how i got to this point. but that's just my two cents for the evening.

keep the peace, spread the love! thanks for reading.

news

2008-09-21T23:59:00.002+09:00

sleepless,
i weep less.
wondering what awaits beyond the sentence.
a present tense sculpted with hands of perfection.
it's a motion that moves a soothe so immense,
the body temperature rises.
no, raises the senses with blessing from above.
with open eyes and a fleeting heart,
the mind suddenly becomes exposed to a truth.
with a pinch of reality, and two dashes of salt,
the dish is finished.
sweet aromas consume the nostrils
and rich flavors dance on the buds
leaving the tongue yearning for more.
this is a place for the poor.
the children of lost hope find refuge in this scent.
no longer a decent,
but a consumption for comfort.
the body may starve amidst a cold world,
but the spirit will always be fed.
the years of blind wandering,
leading into alleys of pain and fear will met away
as ice on a hot summer day;
water for the flowers
to bloom in the spring of a new youth.
this is the season of rebirth ---
the year of awakening.

e-mails and spiders

2008-09-20T17:34:00.007+09:00

sorry i haven't been posting. been pretty busy and staying exhausted. i don't think i've slept a full 8 hours since i've been here. anyways, this post is dedicated to ray-ray :) the other week a few of my girls asked me for my e-mail address.

Dear. Hannah♥

(I made gmail today~)

Hi ! I'm Jewel kim

when you just hear my name, maybe you don't know about me.
beacause you teach hundreds of students.

I have a forelock (Is this word right? I want to say hairs that cover my forehead)
I band(?) my hair, and wear red glasses.

I can't speak English very much, so I really feel heavy(?). beacuse I can't tell you somthing. so I tried to send e-mail to tell you (beacause on e-mail, I can find dictionary) somthing. I'll write lots of e-mail about me and my life.

But I'm not good at English as you know
so I sometimes find some words in dictionary.

beacause of it, I must wrote or will write wrong words or sentences.
Could you check those thing, and tell me? or send me letters ! then I will be very happy.(It is just my hope.)
I've naver recevied letters in English.

When I heard that American teacher will be school, I was so excited but also worried.

Beacause when I was 13 in English Village, ( Engligh Village is study English with foreigner teacher , playing games for one week or two week or one month. ) there are some not good teachers. (Of course there are super good teachers ) When white teacher who has tattoo have lost his cap, he shouted very very loudly "give me my cap in 10 second!" and he gave us red stamp.( red stamps is bad ) And there are some teachers who looking down on(?) us. they seems don't like us.

but I heard you are half korean (right?). so I feel a lot familiar. And everybody in our school(students, even theachers-theachers talks a lot about you in class) likes you very much. really!! our think your very pretty and nice. when you say "Hello ladies!" my friends reaaly like this sentense. especially 인영

we all like you!

miss Johnson, I think it's time to stop writting this letter. bye~

SECOND E-MAIL

Hello, Miss Johnson!

This is jewel!

I was so happy to heard that you know who I am.

I was surprised and delighted at(Is this preposition,at is proper for 'suprised' and 'delighted'?)

your e-mail that already have arrived. The e-mail have arrived . The e-mail have arrived earlier

than I had thought. then, I cliched expecting your e-mail (Can I add v-ing to expect? we cannot

use v-ing love, like, hate envy etc. this kind of verbs.) It is such a kind and long e-mail.

thank you!

there are a few big words, but they didn't matter to understand what you said.

later, I found them in dictionary and tried to understand exactly again.

You are a Korean American!

I had thought you are a half Korean- half American. Because of your last name, Johnson.

I didn't know exactly who you are - and everybody doesn't know exactly who you are.

Other teachers said "Maybe her mom is a Korean, she is 24-year-old(25?), she can speak

Korean a little bit, she is from California and she is first to teach in Korea "

These are all to understand you. so I was always wondering who you are.

I'd never known your Korean listening skills are good!

anyway, the next paragraph that I'm going to say, may seem very rude. I'm really sorry but

I belive you can understand me. I wanna tell you.

well..........

you said loveing in Korea will help you get better to speak in Korean.

I'm really glad becauseI feel you love Korea.

But I hope you don't learn Korean a lot from us, our school's students. We use some bad slangs

(I believe this word is proper. It is important to understand what I'm saying)

For example, '거짓말 하지마! (=you're lying!)' instead this expression, we usually say '구라치지마'

or '뻥치지마'.

Although there aren's slangs, we usually use rude Korean.

For example, '화장실 다녀왔어? (= Did you go to the bathroon?")' instead this, a few students (not

many) say '똥 싸고 왔냐?'. This sentence is very disagreeable to hear.

sometimes, some teachers say this kind of things just for fun.

In addition, Hong Kong actor, Jackie Chan can speaks in Korean.

The funny thing is when he speaks in Korean, he behave like a lady.

The reason is his Korean x-girlfriend who went out 8 years(?). she is a super shy girl.

So when she used korean in front of Jackie Chan, she must was very shy.

Jackie Chan learend korean to her, and speaking Korean like lady!

Since I've known this story, I think person who teach language's manner is important.

I know my opinion can be wrong, but I want to tell you!

Oh It's time to bed ! I usually go to bed at AM 1:00~2:00, but today is holiday!

Good night! :)

P.S. I think ' :) ' It is very cut. but when make it bigger than :) this size, It truns uglier than before.

Allow me to introduce my ladies :)

They are really shy about showing their faces, but don't let that deceive you, they are very devious little girls.

What could be better than going to work to see these girls every day :) These are the 3rd graders, the 1st graders are even cuter! (in korea you say 1st, 2nd, 3rd for middle school)

I'm too tired to go into depth about what teaching has been like. For now, I will say that I love it so much. Being a teacher is phenomenal. It's challenging and stressful at times, but it's definitely been so rewarding and it's only been a month. Hopefully this momentum doesn't lose it's zeal!

Thanks for reading.

korea 101...from the past 2 weeks

2008-09-07T10:34:00.005+09:00

So I was talking to my other S.M.O.E. (Seoul Metropolitan Office of Education) friends about being the "foreigner" in a different country. It's been rather interesting to be the minority, to not be able to speak the language or order food without points and grunts, to know that every time you step onto a subway or the street people are staring at you or trying to snap a picture of you. I guess for me it's a little bit of a different story because I am the foreigner that can't be so easily pointed out unless I open my mouth. So in that sense, it's been interesting to watch the reactions of the people here that happen behind the backs of the Americans. The whispers, the giggles, the straight up stares. It's even more interesting because to some extent, I can understand what the whispering means, "why isn't she wearing a jacket with that shirt (from an old woman in disgust at the cleavage), he talks so funny (about an australian), they are so loud (because most American's are)" and so forth.

I know earlier I said that I really didn't feel like there was a huge change, but I suppose I've been realizing it a little bit more. Back home, I remember I had to act a certain way with the Korean community. Certain practices of respect I guess you could say. The thing was, I didn't really have to do it all the time because we were in America and most of that stuff didn't fly. Here it's a not a pick and choose kind of deal. There's a lot of emphasis on respect and hierarchy. One of the first things people will ask you when you go out with friends or something is your age.

I went to Hongdae the other night. It's like club central and the music is sooooo good. Going out to the bars with a lot of foreigners in the area got me a little irritated. By foreign I am mainly talking about Americans. These guys were loud and rude and arrogant and messy and really took no notice of all the people they were offending. Why is it like this? Because as Americans, we are so privileged, the elites, the world power, and because of that, we can do whatever the heck we want. We can go to a different country and disregard the culture and not even think twice, but when the immigrants come to America and they so much as look in the wrong direction, the attitude is always f*ck them, let's send them back to where they came from. I guess it's unfair for me to speak for all the Americans, because I know that our whole country is not like that, and there are definitely a number of good people here who are trying to understand Korea and acclimate, but it's just too hard to disregard the others and I feel disgusted that they are the ones that leave such a bitter taste of America here. It's always the loud ones that get remembered.

Anyways, on to the fun stuff.

THINGS

Thing #1: Traffic laws - there are none. Yes there are stop lights and stop signs and crosswalks, but people pretty much do whatever they want. Pedestrians DO NOT have the right of way, if you're in the way, a car will not stop for you so you better get your ass running. The streets here are so narrow, and it's so amazing to be that cars actually drive down them. You literally have to hug the wall to save yourself from getting hit. Everyone here also loves to honk their horns, scooters, cars, buses, and bikes. Also, as far as the hierarchy of who can break the most traffic laws, if you see a bus coming, run, they do whatever the heck they want. Drive through the crosswalks, drive on the wrong side of the rode to pass traffic, make u-turns in the middle of the street, anything goes.

Thing #2: Ambulances - I would hate to be hurt in the back of an ambulance because I would probably die before I got to the hospital. The ambulances here do have lights and sirens, but they don't mean anything. Remember, the traffic rule. Everyone here is an aggressive driver, no one will make room for you to switch lanes, and NO ONE will pull over so the ambulance can pass.

Thing #3: Drinking - Never pour your own drinks (because that is a sign that you are an alcoholic), never drink alone, never order drinks without ordering food, never order more than 1 beer or pitcher at a time, always finish your drink before you ask for someone to give you some more, always pour the drink using your left hand to support your right, always turn away from the table when you take a shot, never refuse a shot, if someone pours you one and you don't want it it's more respectful to take it and lift it when everyone takes it but then put it down, that is completely acceptable. Never order water when you can order beer, most waiters will look at you funny if you ONLY get water. Got that? Good, we can move on.

Thing #4: Personal space - It doesn't exist. The subways are crowded, the streets are crowded, the sidewalks are crowded. Everyone is walking into each other, everyone is bumping into each other, and no one cares. I was getting onto the bus and the bus driver slammed on the gas (which always happens so you better grab ahold of something so you don't fall) and I wasn't quite ready so I fell into a girl, I got up and apologized in Korean and she didn't even looked fazed. It happens all the time here. You go to the U.S. and you fall into someone, you apologize profusely.

Thing #5: People here love wearing shirts with English on them, even though they have no idea what it says. For example: "FUCK YOU, have a nice day." "Don't eat, do cocaine." "I eat crap." "Drink piss repeat (it has a different meaning when they're aren't any commas like there should be)."

Thing #6: Couples - you think Korean dramas are bad, Korea is a romantic comedy in the flesh. Everyone is running their hands through each other's hair, holding hands, kissing, all up on each other. It's also really popular to wear matching shirts. I tried to snap pictures, but I thought it would be kind of weird. I seriously could have made a whole album in one hour of walking down the street.

Thing #7: Walk on the left side, or get run over

Thing #8: I'm tired...I miss the homies.

just going to write until i fall asleep

2008-09-01T01:34:00.010+09:00

you can feel the ground grumble right before you see the two headlights pop out from around the corner. as it comes to an abrupt stop, the current cant help but wisp your hair into a hundred dizzying directions. it likes to tease you like this. yet, it's a refreshing feeling, a prompt break from the warm damp air that consumes your pores. the glass doors open and 100 black heads of hair spill into a clutter before you as you struggle to meet the other end of the tangle. you step on just as the door closes to see a mass of arms clinging to the holds from the ceilings. much like racks of meet hang at the slaughter house, the smell isn't much different. deep breath, embrace, and off we go, traveling underground through the veins of the city. it's the pulse -- the blood line pumping people into all directions, oozing them onto the sidewalks above. it's rather relentless in it's prerogative. yet this is not the only blood line existing here, i have one too, one that began long before the subways were even an idea.

it's such a crazy feeling coming...home. i never knew what the huff was about when people would yammer on about the motherland. "the motherland?" i would think. "who really cares, you were born in america, just because your family originated from there doesn't give you the entitlement of calling it your own." oh how wrong i was. when i flew into seoul i looked out my window to see the imperfect rows of specks, dots, and dashes amidst the mountains and my new life that awaited me down there. 35 years ago, my mom looked out of her window to see blue skies and a frontier of possibilities that awaited her in america. regardless of whatever challenges she faced with the clashing of cultures, she did it, she acclimated. i supposed that's been my driving force. i know it'll come, i'll feel the familiar, but it's just a matter of time. i'm enjoying this time right now though. i've still been waiting for my culture shock, but it hasn't happened. i'm here with my people, the people that i so desperately tried to disassociate myself with growing up, all for the sake of being "american." in seoul, we are the majority, we are the minority, we are the rich, we are the beggars, we are the trash men, we are the cooks, we are the prostitutes, we are the athletes, we are the janitors, we are the nannies, the store owners, the delivery boys, the hagglers, the gang members, the saints, the sinners, the everything. it's such a crazy site to see, to come from a community of power dynamics based on race, to one that is not -- to go from a diverse melting pot, to a homogenous brew. i don't know if i like it or if i don't, i haven't really decided yet, it's just different. it's definitely difficult to get anything done because my speaking skills are so horrible. this has allowed me to take a seat and be an observer though, which has been pretty cool. at times it's frustrating, especially since "convenience" is not a tangible thing for me right now. i'm still learning how this society works, a civilization of shopkeepers and districts. here, there are districts. for example, dongdaemun is the fashion/clothing district. you can't really find much else there. the area i live in is a warehouse district, the shops distributes to big stores, so the majority of the shops sell in bulk. in other parts there is a street that sells only fire extinguishers, there's one that only sells pets. it's really fascinating. i see the remnants of the villages from korea's history in this high tech city. interesting as it is, you can understand how this can be a little frustrating.

my friends and i were trying to buy things for our apartments. nothing too crazy, just extention coords, hangers, some clothes, things like that. unfortunately costco was closed when we had hit the streets, so we figured we could just pick them up somewhere else. ha! we spent the majority of the afternoon walking in huge circles looking for a store that sold hangers. we should have been thinking a little harder. remember the word "district"? well, we found a belt area, which turned into a racket area (tennis, badminton), which turned into a pajama area, which then led us to a corner with a store FULL of hangers. i bought a pack of 100 for 20000 won (about $20). as we left the store and turned the corner, there were at least 5 other stores that sold hangers. it was a site to see. regular plastic hangers, big hangers, small hangers, bedazzled hangers, every kind of hanger you could imagine to put your coat, sock, pants on. the only downside about finally finding them: i had to lug a pack of 100 hangers all the way back to my friend's apt, then onto the subway with 2 transfers. that was pretty comical, and yes, it is heavier than it looks.

so it's almost 3:00am on monday morning. i should be sleeping, but i needed to get my apt in order before i could sleep. it's really weird being completely on my own. yeah i have friends around here, but the closest one is 15 minutes on the subway. yeah...no other words to really describe it, just weird. i miss all my friends! i can't wait until i get used to this place because then i'll finally be able to sleep a whole night through, until then, look forward to more early morning delirious posts. cheers!

i have to end on a cute note. these little ones were literally 2.5 ft tall and they were scaling a huge mountain of stairs. they looked like little red ants hobbling up the incline. they would get distracted when we waved and bump into each other...probably not the best thing to distract them, but they were so freaking adorable! (the whole length was probably 5 times this photo, don't know how they did it, i almost died myself).

:)

2008-08-28T07:21:00.000+09:00

i woke up this morning, walked to the sink to wash my face, when i looked down into the bowl, there was a smiley face made from 3 pieces of water on the drain. it was a really nice way to start the morning. hello thursday!

got rice?

2008-08-26T13:42:00.001+09:00

(korean gayugeum)

so i've been here for almost 3 days and i've got 1 word. RICE. we eat rice three times a day at this prison they call orientation. don't get me wrong, the people here are freaking off the hook, BUT orientation is extremely regimented. our days go from 9-9pm and sadly only 1/3 of it is actually useful information. spops definitely helped me with endurance, i've probably slept a total of 7 hours since i've been here. i think it's partly due to the nerves and jet lag, but also because our days start at 7am. i'd say the most educational stuff comes from my convos with people who have already taught here. they have gotten me so freaking excited to start teaching. our job is basically to play games with the students and make english "fun." it's so crazy to think i'm going to be miss. johnson for 22 classes a week! i'll be teaching secondary school in the dongbu district which is central north eastish. it's about 20 minutes from gangnam which is considered to be the beverly hills of seoul. i've been told it's a pretty happening spot with lots of happening spots surrounding it, so i can't wait to move in! also, get this, the only COSTCO in seoul is 10 minutes away!!!

yesterday, one of the coordinators told us we couldn't drink for the duration of our stay here. they even had the convenient store downstairs put their beers away. bullocks! come on now, how are you going to tell 250 jet lagged people who flew 12-17 hours to get here that they can't drink? so in protest, a group of us walked down the street to another convenient store and bought some 40's and soju. two bottles of soju are like 2500 won, which is equivalent to $2.50! haha, add the europeans to the picture and 20 minutes later it was utter chaos.

i feel like i'm still in the birthing canal. this week has been a nice intro to what we're going to be doing out here, but the fact that i'm around 250 native english speakers hasn't done "being in korea" any justice. everyone here is antsy to get out, including me! i've been mentally preparing for the culture shock that awaits me in 4 days.

the landing

2008-08-24T20:52:00.000+09:00

it's pretty crazy how abrupt life can be. one minute you could be sitting at a table, having a few beers and looking across into the faces of the people who have changed your life for the better. the next minute you could wake up to the worst kind of turbulence you've ever experienced, look out your window and see hundreds of swirly lines that caress the surface of russia!
airplane food: bi bim bap, pickles, honey dew, seaweed soup, wine~ mmmmmMmMMMMmm

1 week ago i was so excited to come to korea, 1 day ago i thought i had made a mistake in this decision. 14 hours later in addition to a 2 hour bus drive through the wilderness of seoul my anxious heart is at peace. i'm exactly where i want to be and there is absolutely no time or room for doubt. to choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation. -martel. probably the hardest thing about being out here is being away from everyone else, despite that, i know that if i weren't here, i'd be wishing i was. i've already had some pretty cool conversations with a dj, some brits, and a former uci alum. the coolest thing, i get to start all over, meet new amazing people, and add more stories to this already blessed life i've led. there are peeps from all over the place, from different walks of life, different ages, different experiences. i'm super excited to hear their perspectives and stories over the next week. my roommates: iesha is my age from philidelphia, college graduate and kindergarten teacher for a year, igana, a little younger than middle aged, from colorado, just finished her masters in education, is here to pay off her loans. hahaha, this orientation week is going to be like spop, we're staying in dorms! lucky for these people, i happen to know a thing or two about orientations and i'm freaking going to make everyone play whoosh! holla!

trying...

2008-07-03T06:03:00.000+09:00

one of my goals is to keep up on this blog. so far i've been lacking.

anyways, today's thoughts:

"don't worry about how you're going to get an A, worry about doing your best."

the coords had circle time last week, and mike knox dropped some knowledge. although it seems so simple, that statement is so powerful. many times we worry about getting that A or getting to that end point that the stress just overcomes us and we struggle to hit our mark. all we really need to do is change our mentality. if we focus on working our hardest and doing a good job, then the A will come. this isn't just in the confines of school work, but life as well.

this whole event planning business that is SPOP has been the craziest experience of my life. many times the work and the stress can be overwhelming, but after listening to what mike had to say, i feel a little more at ease. i guess i was so concerned with creating the best program, and training the best staff, and having the most successful SPOPs ever. trying to have the best of everything is such a lot to stress about. instead, it's better to just look at the work we have to do, and make sure we're doing our best. your input will always produce an output. if you do a shitty job, it will show, if you work your ass off, that will show as well.

just a little food for thought!

free write, 2 minutes

2008-06-12T12:56:00.000+09:00

because ray said to... :)

higher in the skies i can feel where my heart beats

hidden in a place where the water from my mind leaks

it's like that feeling before you peak,

just before you're tongue can speak

and the rush is a hush that makes the sounds from your ears bleed.

so i stop to the drop of the softest pillow top

and the hum is the sum of a love that's flickering.

so i walk in the chapel and watch my coins go clinkering

and i pray for the day when the sorrows lingering

will be driven to a place

where the dust cannot embrace

and the taste of your face will not fade into the case,

that's closed.

so i know,

i can go,

to the open

glass window.

and i'll sit in the silence of a round moon light

as i try to remember what those feelings felt like

with the fingers on the frets,

the strings did not forget

our song,

the one we sang

before the dawn,

it'll be gone before too long.

so just sing that story as i concede,

that life is much better when we do good deeds

when we use our words we can follow the leads

of the great minds

who came and died,

but not in vein

because then we came

to pick up the pieces and keep the legacy strong

and we'll keep on going even if we do wrong

because "no regrets" doesn't mean no mistakes

sometimes it takes losing high stakes

to know who we are and what we can do

that we are all capable to do something new

and share a light that was passed to us

if we fail to do this, our life will be a bust

just trust....

the desert

2008-06-09T05:38:00.000+09:00

paint me a pink sky

with unruly lines

so we can sit

and watch it

together

instead of studying for finals...

2008-06-08T15:59:00.000+09:00

words,

definitely theirs before they even thought to pass my lips and graze those eager ears.

words so easily spat onto a pretty piece of stationary and fed to hungry mouths in prefect lines.

words that inspire the mind to make the body do amazing things,

to accomplish great feats and battle great evils.

words that comfort a worn and tattered soul,

leaving warmth and light.

words that move a heart to fall deeper in love.

words,

too many i'd say,

but always a beautiful thing.

if it had any meaning,

my words,

spun like a tightly knotted ball of yarn,

pieces tugged from frustrations,

pieces broken from five hundred thousand people screaming at an intersection.

but the debris you find there,

those rocks will grow and erode,

creating more dust,

mixing earthly colors,

intoxicating nostrils,

and still,

i will sit with my mouth shut,

staring at the blazing sun as my mind pulsates to the tick of time,

waiting for that perfect moment to slip that single syllable from beneath my rigid tounge.

why do i wait for a purpose, when life as it is began simply as it is, no eloquently sculpted mold, no brilliantly illustrated map with a bright red arrow saying "you are here." i am a box that came complete with no instructions. there is no more room for these poisoning inhibitions, so to the lime pits they go. for once i'll ride on the opposite end, with my horses upside down, gliding across the placid waters, and i'll say what i think, and be what i am, and cry for all the bugs i crushed with my shoe.

the mind is a powerful thing and i feel as though my mind overpowers my heart sometimes