The present

I'm sitting on my comfy blue couch watching a girl dying on TV.  Not real dying, but pretend dying.  My two little doggies are wandering to and fro at my feet; unsure of whether to sit or make attempts to con food from my brother.  It's true what they say about puppy dog eyes; you can never say no.  They're tags make a lyrical jingle each time their stubby legs move across the tile.  Finally, the younger one finds a resting place near my dad on the recliner.  "My Sugar Plum" he calls her.  He'll do anything for those dogs.  I remember when I was younger he told me the reason I couldn't get a dog was because eventually it would die and it would be too sad for me to take.  After seeing him with our dogs, I realize it's him that wouldn't be able to take it, he's so attached.  It's rather cute though, watching him with them.  I think of all our family, they stick closer to him.  

My sister is perched on the back of another recliner.  Her hair swallowed in a mass of towel, she's wearing the pj's I brought home for her from Seoul.  On her wrist is a blue sweatband with an anteater on it.  She wears it for luck so that one day she'll get accepted to her dream college, UCI.  I can't believe how grown she is.  Whenever I think of her, I think of the clingy 5 year old who was afraid to flush the toilet.  Now, she's a young lady.  She's spunky, witty, and also a thief.  I left a lot of my clothes at home before I left for Korea and apparently she's been, in her own words, "making sure they see some sunlight."

My brother is sitting to the left of me.  He's grown so much too.  Apparently, he knows everything, is never wrong, and will go above and beyond to make sure you know he's right.  My mom said I was the same way when I was his age, I find it hard to believe.  Just a minute ago I looked over and he was drinking a Mountain Dew.  A few seconds ago, he held the can to my nose after he slyly farted in it.  Teenage boys are so disgusting.            

It's funny how experience changes your mentality.  When I was 18, I couldn't wait to get away from this house and the people in it.  Now, I just want to be here with them.  Moments like this where I can sit on the couch and just inhabit the same air as my family don't happen that often anymore.  As meaningless as it might seem, I truly cherish it.  I want to know my family better.  I feel like my brother and sister are different people now, well, maybe not different but they're becoming young people.  They're starting to form their own ideas about the world and how life works.  They have opinions and experience to back it up.  It's so amazing to me.  I want to know my parents more, to know what kinds of emotions they felt when they were my age.  

I love being home.  Everything about it shouts peace and relaxation.  Although our situation right now is far from that, the fact that we're together makes the biggest problems seem so harmless.  I'm so blessed to have this family, as weird and disgusting as they may be at times, well all the time, there's none other like them, and none other that knows me the way they do.  I have such an understanding mother, the best mentor in the world.  My dad, his words may be few, but the love that pours out of his heart for his family is so immense.  The older I get, the less I see them as fierce disciplinarians, but as beautiful friends.  When I was at the library today, a cute firecracker of an old lady started up conversation with me.  She asked me about my future plans and what I was interested in.  We shared a few laughs.  As she was leaving, she abruptly turned to look at me and said with a huge grin that revealed her shiny crowns, 

"I have one piece of advice I want to give you about growing old."  

"What's that?" I asked.  

With a bit of a cackle she yelled, "Don't do it!  Good luck with your life hunny."  

"Good luck with yours too!" I replied.  

Although it would be nice to never grow old, I don't think it's so bad.  Growing old is better than not growing at all.  Although they may be older than me, my parents are still growing and learning just like my siblings and I are.  Realizing this has been something special.  Regardless of how old we are, we are always learning; learning from each other.  It's a beautiful thing.  

Here's to family, and growing with the people you love.  Let's cherish the time we have.  

  

products

I can't really put my finger on these emotions that continue to pass through me.  It's a constant push and pull across a spectrum of feelings.  Lately, my mind wanders carelessly regardless of what I'm doing; never really able to concentrate and focus on what's in front of me.  It's fascinatingly frustrating.  Constantly lost in thought since I've been back home, I feel so consumed in this wide open space.  I can't say I really enjoy it, but at the same time I'm convincing myself to appreciate it.  After all, experience is our greatest instrument right?  Like the ever persistent salty tide, experience continues to ebb and flow, eroding away at this pridefulness and arrogance I carry so stiffly on my shoulders.  Lessons in humility never lose their bite, and they definitely never go away.

When we were younger, we were given such a picturesque idea of adulthood.  We were spoon fed stories of success and the good life.  As children, we were so far from reality.  We were so protected from cold hard truths as we saw the neatly trimmed, finished product.  The path that gets you there was unaccounted for.  I guess one of the hardest growing pains happens when we realize what it really takes for us to get there.  Success doesn't just flutter through the front door on a sleepy summer afternoon (although it would be nice).  No, no, there are way too many variables involved once we cross the partitions and step into the big wide world.  I'm definitely not trying to say any of this is bad, nor am I saying I wish it were easier.  I guess it's just the unsettled feeling of uncertainty, like the high pitched ringing sound in your ear that lingers past it's welcome, that I don't think I'll ever get used to.  It's more than just being at a fork in the road, I feel like I'm at a delta with all channels leading out to the magnificent sea.   As exciting as it might be, it's equally, if not more overwhelming.  One minute I'm marveling at the beauty of the journey ahead, envisioning myself at the end.  Then before I can take another breath, the shrinking feeling swarms my body like a million buzzing bees as I look across the vastness of all these decisions I have to make to reach my dreams.  I can't help but feel so fearful and scared.  Yet, what is fear except a starting point right?  I just finished reading this amazing book called The Dream Giver, by Bruce Wilkinson.  It's extremely encouraging and uplifting as it talks about The Big Dream we all have in our lives.  One of the sections touches upon fear.  Fear is obviously the biggest and most constant road block we face.  Fear never disappears, therefore we are called to be strong and take courage.  

     What is courage?  Courage is not the absence of fear; rather, it's choosing to act in spite of the fear.  You could say that without fear, you can't have genuine courage.  

     When you do act in courage, you discover that fear doesn't have to stop you.  You see that what you thought were your limits are more like starting points.   

     To take courage, you have to decide to go forward anyway.

Just going through the mid-twenty motions right now, but I'm definitely trying to make them forward motions.  Yay, life!  

paper

Before I left for Seoul, life in Cali was rather hectic.  Before I had the opportunity to wipe the summer sweat from my brow, graduation happened and SPOP was over.  Before I had the chance to take one more look behind me into the euphoric mass of people and memories of college life, there was only the glassy Pacific ocean that peered back.  That was almost 5 months ago.  Life happens fast doesn't it?  

Living in a Korea has been quite the eye opener.  More than just a cultural experience, it's given me a new perspective on the life I've lived in the states--the life I've taken for granted.  I understand why the outside world looks at us the way it does--like we're all rich.  In Korea, when you go shopping, you definitely don't want to speak any English or you'll get ripped off.  The first times I experienced this I would get so angry and just walk away.  After living there for a while, and then coming back to the states, I've realized, regardless of what my socio-economic background is, the fact that I live in America puts me higher up on the global food chain.  Coming back to the states gave me a new revelation in terms of how good we really have it here.  Despite the fact that we're in a recession and it's the "worsts it's ever been," we still have it pretty damn good compared to the rest of the world.  We're still a first world country, we still have easy access to clean water, and we still have the luxury of wasting SO much of everything.  Even the poorest in America still have cars, TVs, computers, garbage disposals, washers and driers.  In Korea, it's a luxury to have a drier, and no one has a garbage disposal, the majority of the population hang dries.  

When I first got to Korea, I definitely had a problem with the cups and paper products.  All cups are usually the size of a small dixie cup from a water cooler and napkins and toilet paper are single ply.  I guess the cup thing was easy to get used to, but the paper thing took a while.  Let me explicate.  A standard restaurant napkin in Seoul is the size of 2 toilet paper squares, and for some reason it never seems like any Korean ever needs to use them.  When I first got there I would use like 20 napkins and they'd sit crumpled and stained in front of me like snowy hills for a diorama.  After a while, I learned how to minimize my napkin use.  I guess I didn't realize this until I came back to the states and I got handed my first stack of napkins from McDonalds; it was like a small pillow.  So many napkins!  My old self would have thrown them out when I was done with the meal, but I left the extras in my glove box, in case of emergency.  Now, the toilet paper thing.  There are three things you must know before heading into a public restroom in Seoul.  First of all, not all public restroom have toilets you can sit on, most of them time you have to squat.  It can be a little tricky at first, but with practice, it's actually super quick and easy and it saves your tushie in the winter time.  Second, not all public restrooms have toilet paper.  They actually have vending machines outside most of them that sell little packets of tissues.  If a place has toilet paper, it's usually in a dispenser outside of the stalls and you stock yourself up before you head in.  Third, Korean bathrooms stink like shit because dirty toilet paper is thrown inside the trash cans.  It's really gross, but you get used to it.  Well, not really, I don't really follow that rule, but shhhh, don't tell anyone ok?         

flying backwards

cool breeze.

warm squeeze.

contemplating a moment of ease.

secret rumors escape through breath,

collapsing lung and life.

driven by the delicacy of time,

hands fall forward.

and motions move back like the raging undercurrent.

drawn as thick, red velvet curtains

the dust dances off the fringes.

then,

 the lights go out.

end scene.

this doesn't mean everything has to be over.

I got heavy inspiration for this piece from a magazine.  Although not exactly the same, I still feel like a knock off artist.  I'm currently trying to force my decline in creativity to come to a halt.  Mainly because I'm sick of staring at the blank sheets of paper in my notebook with pen in hand for hours on end, then setting them both down with nothing to show for it.  So, if I have to get more than a little inspiration from other things, I'll take that from now.  Hopefully it'll be a good exercise to get my own creative juices flowing.

My guitar was adapted from some Indian henna designs.  I wanted to add more at the top, but I started to over analyze it in my head.  I hate when that happens.  Anyways, this is phase I, hopefully I'll be able to add some more soon.  

my neighbor

before he was here.

i know he had another life.  maybe not "another" life, but he had a different one.  i always try to catch his glance when i walk by, but he never pays much attention to anyone.  those tender eyes that rest on his weathered face are always so deep in thought, adrift in ruminations and places long past.  he seems to be suspended in those moments.  the moments that may have had a sweeter tempo, allowing him to at least kick up his heels once in a while when he walked.  the instances before he found himself sitting on the frozen curb watching his breath move in the cold air to pass his time.  at first glance, you would never think he made his residence on the hard sidewalks.  he keeps himself rather clean.  always bundled up in his big black coat, his round face sitting atop his assemblage of warmth.  some days he looks more tired than others.  on those days in particular, i really just want to stop and give him a hug, i want to tell him that i'm so sorry.  i'm sorry that he has to stuff his bedding away behind a dumpster in the morning and use a stick to get it out every night.  i'm sorry that he has to rummage through my trash to find boxes and paper to sleep on.  i'm sorry that his food is always cold.  i'm sorry that he has to sleep outside in 15 degree weather.  

i don't know what kind of life he had before this one.  my mind races through all the possible misfortunes and tragedies he may have endured whenever i tread past his presence.  i wish i knew.  whatever they may have been, whether "his fault" or the world's fault, no one should have to sleep outside in the cold.  some of my students come to my desk and talk to me between and after classes.  the other day, we were talking about how cold the weather was getting and one of my girls said, "in the winter time many homeless people die, and in the summer too."  when she said that my eyes teared up as my thoughts whirled around my neighbor.  

i suppose it's so easy to be a pessimist.  to think that nothing will ever get better; that the rich will continue to exploit the poor for their benefit.  to think that as technology continues to boom, the number of inward thinking, isolated people will also continue to grow as well.  although technology has done a great many things for some people, it has hurt more.  it has created a greater gap between global north and global south.  some may argue that the Internet is good because we now have the world at our finger tips, we can see suffering, become more educated and help more people.  but with one click, we can just as easily shield ourselves from it.  why stare at pictures of bloated babies and feel uncomfortable and guilty for being too lazy to give them your money when you can look at pictures of britney spears, laugh and not spend a cent.  way more thrilling right?  there are so many who don't have the option of clicking to another page because the pain and suffering of this world is their reality.  sure, technology has allowed us to become more aquatinted and informed about the social evils in this world, but what are we doing about it?  we see pictures, we read stories, we feel a little sad, but then we plug ourselves into our ipods and zone out on guitar rifts and electronic vibrations.  why is that?  because we have been raised in a country that has condoned us and conditioned us to tune others out.  with every text message, bbm, phone call, e-mail alert, sports update, gambling update, whatever else update ringing from our back pockets, it's become socially OK to be rude.  it's become ok to cut someone off when they're trying to tell you something important because our electronic life is screaming for our attention.  just as easily as we can cut someone off standing in front of us, it's even easier to cut off the hungry people who live in foreign lands.

although it is easy to be pessimistic, there is more that can be accomplished by being optimistic.  and there is even more that can be attained when we put that optimism into action.  we can sit around in our privileged lives and hope that the world gets better.  but nothing will change without action.  now is not a time to just read about what's going on and hope for a change, things must be done to accomplish change.  these things require us to stop thinking so much about ourselves and think more for others.  we many not have much as college students or recently graduated college students, but as citizens of the US, we, by default, have incredibly more than others.  sparing even one measly $1 is a huge contribution for the cause.  did you know that the republic of congo in central africa is the poorest country today with a GDP-per capita of $300 being followed by liberia with a GDP-per capita of $500.  yeah.  think about that.  we can't even imagine what it's like to live under those conditions, but think about what your dollar can do there.     

anyways, i guess the meat of my tangent for today has to do with my future aspirations.  the more i think about all these issues, the more i get excited about what i can do to change certain circumstances.  i can't wait to be a professor.

i leave you with this quote from bertrand russell, a british philosopher and nobel peace prize laureate for literature.  it really moved me.   

Three passions have governed my life: 
The longings for love, the search for knowledge, 
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness. 
In the union of love I have seen 
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision 
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge. 
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people]. 
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, 
But always pity brought me back to earth; 
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart 
Of children in famine, of victims tortured 
And of old people left helpless. 
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, 
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

Geeez

It's been a while since I've written anything.  Mainly due to the fact that I continue to fall victim to this road block of words, of fully being able to express myself with the perfect diction and verbiage.  But honestly, if you don't use it, you lose it, so I'm forcing myself to write now.  Forget standards, for get "perfect"...hahaha it's so hard though right?  I just need to remember that more than anything, I'm writing to express, and expression has no standard.  Also, I'm studying for the GRE, so I want to start practicing words.  Today's words are, "aberrant, aberration, and abet."  Look out for them below :)  Since it's been a while, let me catch you all up.  

I feel like a normal person again.  

These first 3 months of being cast out like loaded dice onto this tiny peninsula has been a roller coaster to say the least.  I say loaded because although this adventure has stretched me and squeezed me and thrown me in so many different directions, I'm right where I'm supposed to be, where God intended me to be.  

You know those moments you have in life, when you feel like the bottom is about to fall out.  When you watch everything you thought you were --- all the toiling experiences that created these elegant perceptions, the tinges of enlightenment, and the exuberant epiphanies about life dance listlessly past your fingertips and whooosh into nothingness.  Whoa, what just happened?  Who am I?  How did I get here?  Do I know anything?  Yes, I'm talking about that moment of utter panic when you can't stop the sweat from running down your face (so embarrassing when that happens) and you question everything and doubt anything valid about who you thought you were.  Is this really what life after college is supposed to be like?  Um, sorry sweetie pie, but yes it is.  As much as it sucks, it is as necessary as manure.  It stinks, but without it, nothing would grow.  So yes, I've come to realize that true life isn't like your last year in college.  You're seriously on top of the world at this point.  Once you step outside the boundaries of undergrad life, the ocean is much bigger.  It's definitely overwhelming, it's definitely uncomfortable, it's definitely something you're aberrant about stepping into because of how good you had it back on Campus Dr.  You come to the end of college feeling like you conquered it all, but it's really a false sense of "all," because all that we've known is what has existed in the confines of university life.  In our frame of reference, we remember how good it was 1 month ago, and how hard it is now.  It's easy to get tossed into the mentality which leads you to believe that this current unhappiness is the ultimate end.  It clouds our vision and impedes us from moving forwards at times.  All we know is what we feel, and sometimes it gets the best of us.  I suppose more so for us girls because we function emotionally.  Despite that, we can't forget how things started for us.  In college, we began as little seeds and grew into trees.  It took a lot of time and energy and work.  Well, post grad life = planting time all over again; gotta put in that time, energy and work.  When you've reached then end of a chapter in your life, it's nice to see the fruits of your labor, but you can't dwell there.  I can't tell you how much these last few months have humbled me, made me realize that I definitely don't know it all.  The more you resist, the harder you fall to your knees, and you can almost hear your bones crush on the floors.  The greatest thing though, is when you realize that you don't need to know it all.  It's ok to feel uncertainty and doubt.  I'm going to be 24 years old tomorrow, and I'm not expected to have any answers right now.  You want answers from Hannah Johnson, sorry she ain't got none.  For the first time since I've been 23, I'm actually excited about being 24!  I'm excited to see what this first year of real life will bring.  I talked to a lady at my church the other day, her name is Regina.  She's 50 years old, has raised 4 children back in Chicago, and just got her B.A. a year ago.  She moved to Korea to teach and of course for the experience.  But you want to hear the coolest part, next week she'll be taking her LSATs.  She wants to be a criminal lawyer and continue her years helping those who can't help themselves.  Talking to her was such a blessing.  In 1 conversation, the girth of my worries and stresses about the future diminished.  It's never too late to do anything, and I'm only 24!  Wow.  So I guess it just comes down to this, in the words of a man much wiser than I, "The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we stand, but in what direction we are moving."  Thank you Mr. Holmes.  I didn't realize the true magnitude of these words until I moved to Seoul. 

                 

Happy Pepero Day!!!

Today is 11/11, Veteran's Day in the states but here in S. Korea it's Pepero Day!!!  For those of you who don't know Pepero, you may be more familiar with it's Japanese counterpart Pocky Sticks.  The thin little cracker sticks covered in chocolate, some are filled with chocolate, some have nuts on them, some are strawberry, others are vanilla...oh yes, you know what I'm talking about.  Well here in Korea, they're called Pepero.  Pepero Day is similar to Valentines Day and is celebrated on the 11th because 11/11 looks like 5 sticks of pepero.  Apparently, this tradition of exchanging packs started about 10 years ago in Pusan by young school girls as a good luck charm for growing taller.  Though it's a cute story, we all know how marketing schemes work.  Similar to the way Hallmark and Hershey's profit from Valentine's Day, Lotte profits from Pepero Day.  Never the less, it was really fun getting pepero from my students today.  The single wrappers have a thick pepero in it.  The girls were also giving away 2 feet long peperos.  When I walked into one of my classes, they had made a huge heart of pepero boxes and had it hanging on the wall.  So cute.  Anyways, I have a life time supply of these things now and unfortunately I don't even really like them.  Oh well, Happy Pepero Day everyone!