flying backwards

cool breeze.

warm squeeze.

contemplating a moment of ease.

secret rumors escape through breath,

collapsing lung and life.

driven by the delicacy of time,

hands fall forward.

and motions move back like the raging undercurrent.

drawn as thick, red velvet curtains

the dust dances off the fringes.

then,

 the lights go out.

end scene.

this doesn't mean everything has to be over.

I got heavy inspiration for this piece from a magazine.  Although not exactly the same, I still feel like a knock off artist.  I'm currently trying to force my decline in creativity to come to a halt.  Mainly because I'm sick of staring at the blank sheets of paper in my notebook with pen in hand for hours on end, then setting them both down with nothing to show for it.  So, if I have to get more than a little inspiration from other things, I'll take that from now.  Hopefully it'll be a good exercise to get my own creative juices flowing.

My guitar was adapted from some Indian henna designs.  I wanted to add more at the top, but I started to over analyze it in my head.  I hate when that happens.  Anyways, this is phase I, hopefully I'll be able to add some more soon.  

my neighbor

before he was here.

i know he had another life.  maybe not "another" life, but he had a different one.  i always try to catch his glance when i walk by, but he never pays much attention to anyone.  those tender eyes that rest on his weathered face are always so deep in thought, adrift in ruminations and places long past.  he seems to be suspended in those moments.  the moments that may have had a sweeter tempo, allowing him to at least kick up his heels once in a while when he walked.  the instances before he found himself sitting on the frozen curb watching his breath move in the cold air to pass his time.  at first glance, you would never think he made his residence on the hard sidewalks.  he keeps himself rather clean.  always bundled up in his big black coat, his round face sitting atop his assemblage of warmth.  some days he looks more tired than others.  on those days in particular, i really just want to stop and give him a hug, i want to tell him that i'm so sorry.  i'm sorry that he has to stuff his bedding away behind a dumpster in the morning and use a stick to get it out every night.  i'm sorry that he has to rummage through my trash to find boxes and paper to sleep on.  i'm sorry that his food is always cold.  i'm sorry that he has to sleep outside in 15 degree weather.  

i don't know what kind of life he had before this one.  my mind races through all the possible misfortunes and tragedies he may have endured whenever i tread past his presence.  i wish i knew.  whatever they may have been, whether "his fault" or the world's fault, no one should have to sleep outside in the cold.  some of my students come to my desk and talk to me between and after classes.  the other day, we were talking about how cold the weather was getting and one of my girls said, "in the winter time many homeless people die, and in the summer too."  when she said that my eyes teared up as my thoughts whirled around my neighbor.  

i suppose it's so easy to be a pessimist.  to think that nothing will ever get better; that the rich will continue to exploit the poor for their benefit.  to think that as technology continues to boom, the number of inward thinking, isolated people will also continue to grow as well.  although technology has done a great many things for some people, it has hurt more.  it has created a greater gap between global north and global south.  some may argue that the Internet is good because we now have the world at our finger tips, we can see suffering, become more educated and help more people.  but with one click, we can just as easily shield ourselves from it.  why stare at pictures of bloated babies and feel uncomfortable and guilty for being too lazy to give them your money when you can look at pictures of britney spears, laugh and not spend a cent.  way more thrilling right?  there are so many who don't have the option of clicking to another page because the pain and suffering of this world is their reality.  sure, technology has allowed us to become more aquatinted and informed about the social evils in this world, but what are we doing about it?  we see pictures, we read stories, we feel a little sad, but then we plug ourselves into our ipods and zone out on guitar rifts and electronic vibrations.  why is that?  because we have been raised in a country that has condoned us and conditioned us to tune others out.  with every text message, bbm, phone call, e-mail alert, sports update, gambling update, whatever else update ringing from our back pockets, it's become socially OK to be rude.  it's become ok to cut someone off when they're trying to tell you something important because our electronic life is screaming for our attention.  just as easily as we can cut someone off standing in front of us, it's even easier to cut off the hungry people who live in foreign lands.

although it is easy to be pessimistic, there is more that can be accomplished by being optimistic.  and there is even more that can be attained when we put that optimism into action.  we can sit around in our privileged lives and hope that the world gets better.  but nothing will change without action.  now is not a time to just read about what's going on and hope for a change, things must be done to accomplish change.  these things require us to stop thinking so much about ourselves and think more for others.  we many not have much as college students or recently graduated college students, but as citizens of the US, we, by default, have incredibly more than others.  sparing even one measly $1 is a huge contribution for the cause.  did you know that the republic of congo in central africa is the poorest country today with a GDP-per capita of $300 being followed by liberia with a GDP-per capita of $500.  yeah.  think about that.  we can't even imagine what it's like to live under those conditions, but think about what your dollar can do there.     

anyways, i guess the meat of my tangent for today has to do with my future aspirations.  the more i think about all these issues, the more i get excited about what i can do to change certain circumstances.  i can't wait to be a professor.

i leave you with this quote from bertrand russell, a british philosopher and nobel peace prize laureate for literature.  it really moved me.   

Three passions have governed my life: 
The longings for love, the search for knowledge, 
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness. 
In the union of love I have seen 
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision 
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge. 
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people]. 
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, 
But always pity brought me back to earth; 
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart 
Of children in famine, of victims tortured 
And of old people left helpless. 
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, 
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

Geeez

It's been a while since I've written anything.  Mainly due to the fact that I continue to fall victim to this road block of words, of fully being able to express myself with the perfect diction and verbiage.  But honestly, if you don't use it, you lose it, so I'm forcing myself to write now.  Forget standards, for get "perfect"...hahaha it's so hard though right?  I just need to remember that more than anything, I'm writing to express, and expression has no standard.  Also, I'm studying for the GRE, so I want to start practicing words.  Today's words are, "aberrant, aberration, and abet."  Look out for them below :)  Since it's been a while, let me catch you all up.  

I feel like a normal person again.  

These first 3 months of being cast out like loaded dice onto this tiny peninsula has been a roller coaster to say the least.  I say loaded because although this adventure has stretched me and squeezed me and thrown me in so many different directions, I'm right where I'm supposed to be, where God intended me to be.  

You know those moments you have in life, when you feel like the bottom is about to fall out.  When you watch everything you thought you were --- all the toiling experiences that created these elegant perceptions, the tinges of enlightenment, and the exuberant epiphanies about life dance listlessly past your fingertips and whooosh into nothingness.  Whoa, what just happened?  Who am I?  How did I get here?  Do I know anything?  Yes, I'm talking about that moment of utter panic when you can't stop the sweat from running down your face (so embarrassing when that happens) and you question everything and doubt anything valid about who you thought you were.  Is this really what life after college is supposed to be like?  Um, sorry sweetie pie, but yes it is.  As much as it sucks, it is as necessary as manure.  It stinks, but without it, nothing would grow.  So yes, I've come to realize that true life isn't like your last year in college.  You're seriously on top of the world at this point.  Once you step outside the boundaries of undergrad life, the ocean is much bigger.  It's definitely overwhelming, it's definitely uncomfortable, it's definitely something you're aberrant about stepping into because of how good you had it back on Campus Dr.  You come to the end of college feeling like you conquered it all, but it's really a false sense of "all," because all that we've known is what has existed in the confines of university life.  In our frame of reference, we remember how good it was 1 month ago, and how hard it is now.  It's easy to get tossed into the mentality which leads you to believe that this current unhappiness is the ultimate end.  It clouds our vision and impedes us from moving forwards at times.  All we know is what we feel, and sometimes it gets the best of us.  I suppose more so for us girls because we function emotionally.  Despite that, we can't forget how things started for us.  In college, we began as little seeds and grew into trees.  It took a lot of time and energy and work.  Well, post grad life = planting time all over again; gotta put in that time, energy and work.  When you've reached then end of a chapter in your life, it's nice to see the fruits of your labor, but you can't dwell there.  I can't tell you how much these last few months have humbled me, made me realize that I definitely don't know it all.  The more you resist, the harder you fall to your knees, and you can almost hear your bones crush on the floors.  The greatest thing though, is when you realize that you don't need to know it all.  It's ok to feel uncertainty and doubt.  I'm going to be 24 years old tomorrow, and I'm not expected to have any answers right now.  You want answers from Hannah Johnson, sorry she ain't got none.  For the first time since I've been 23, I'm actually excited about being 24!  I'm excited to see what this first year of real life will bring.  I talked to a lady at my church the other day, her name is Regina.  She's 50 years old, has raised 4 children back in Chicago, and just got her B.A. a year ago.  She moved to Korea to teach and of course for the experience.  But you want to hear the coolest part, next week she'll be taking her LSATs.  She wants to be a criminal lawyer and continue her years helping those who can't help themselves.  Talking to her was such a blessing.  In 1 conversation, the girth of my worries and stresses about the future diminished.  It's never too late to do anything, and I'm only 24!  Wow.  So I guess it just comes down to this, in the words of a man much wiser than I, "The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we stand, but in what direction we are moving."  Thank you Mr. Holmes.  I didn't realize the true magnitude of these words until I moved to Seoul.