The present

I'm sitting on my comfy blue couch watching a girl dying on TV.  Not real dying, but pretend dying.  My two little doggies are wandering to and fro at my feet; unsure of whether to sit or make attempts to con food from my brother.  It's true what they say about puppy dog eyes; you can never say no.  They're tags make a lyrical jingle each time their stubby legs move across the tile.  Finally, the younger one finds a resting place near my dad on the recliner.  "My Sugar Plum" he calls her.  He'll do anything for those dogs.  I remember when I was younger he told me the reason I couldn't get a dog was because eventually it would die and it would be too sad for me to take.  After seeing him with our dogs, I realize it's him that wouldn't be able to take it, he's so attached.  It's rather cute though, watching him with them.  I think of all our family, they stick closer to him.  

My sister is perched on the back of another recliner.  Her hair swallowed in a mass of towel, she's wearing the pj's I brought home for her from Seoul.  On her wrist is a blue sweatband with an anteater on it.  She wears it for luck so that one day she'll get accepted to her dream college, UCI.  I can't believe how grown she is.  Whenever I think of her, I think of the clingy 5 year old who was afraid to flush the toilet.  Now, she's a young lady.  She's spunky, witty, and also a thief.  I left a lot of my clothes at home before I left for Korea and apparently she's been, in her own words, "making sure they see some sunlight."

My brother is sitting to the left of me.  He's grown so much too.  Apparently, he knows everything, is never wrong, and will go above and beyond to make sure you know he's right.  My mom said I was the same way when I was his age, I find it hard to believe.  Just a minute ago I looked over and he was drinking a Mountain Dew.  A few seconds ago, he held the can to my nose after he slyly farted in it.  Teenage boys are so disgusting.            

It's funny how experience changes your mentality.  When I was 18, I couldn't wait to get away from this house and the people in it.  Now, I just want to be here with them.  Moments like this where I can sit on the couch and just inhabit the same air as my family don't happen that often anymore.  As meaningless as it might seem, I truly cherish it.  I want to know my family better.  I feel like my brother and sister are different people now, well, maybe not different but they're becoming young people.  They're starting to form their own ideas about the world and how life works.  They have opinions and experience to back it up.  It's so amazing to me.  I want to know my parents more, to know what kinds of emotions they felt when they were my age.  

I love being home.  Everything about it shouts peace and relaxation.  Although our situation right now is far from that, the fact that we're together makes the biggest problems seem so harmless.  I'm so blessed to have this family, as weird and disgusting as they may be at times, well all the time, there's none other like them, and none other that knows me the way they do.  I have such an understanding mother, the best mentor in the world.  My dad, his words may be few, but the love that pours out of his heart for his family is so immense.  The older I get, the less I see them as fierce disciplinarians, but as beautiful friends.  When I was at the library today, a cute firecracker of an old lady started up conversation with me.  She asked me about my future plans and what I was interested in.  We shared a few laughs.  As she was leaving, she abruptly turned to look at me and said with a huge grin that revealed her shiny crowns, 

"I have one piece of advice I want to give you about growing old."  

"What's that?" I asked.  

With a bit of a cackle she yelled, "Don't do it!  Good luck with your life hunny."  

"Good luck with yours too!" I replied.  

Although it would be nice to never grow old, I don't think it's so bad.  Growing old is better than not growing at all.  Although they may be older than me, my parents are still growing and learning just like my siblings and I are.  Realizing this has been something special.  Regardless of how old we are, we are always learning; learning from each other.  It's a beautiful thing.  

Here's to family, and growing with the people you love.  Let's cherish the time we have.  

  

products

I can't really put my finger on these emotions that continue to pass through me.  It's a constant push and pull across a spectrum of feelings.  Lately, my mind wanders carelessly regardless of what I'm doing; never really able to concentrate and focus on what's in front of me.  It's fascinatingly frustrating.  Constantly lost in thought since I've been back home, I feel so consumed in this wide open space.  I can't say I really enjoy it, but at the same time I'm convincing myself to appreciate it.  After all, experience is our greatest instrument right?  Like the ever persistent salty tide, experience continues to ebb and flow, eroding away at this pridefulness and arrogance I carry so stiffly on my shoulders.  Lessons in humility never lose their bite, and they definitely never go away.

When we were younger, we were given such a picturesque idea of adulthood.  We were spoon fed stories of success and the good life.  As children, we were so far from reality.  We were so protected from cold hard truths as we saw the neatly trimmed, finished product.  The path that gets you there was unaccounted for.  I guess one of the hardest growing pains happens when we realize what it really takes for us to get there.  Success doesn't just flutter through the front door on a sleepy summer afternoon (although it would be nice).  No, no, there are way too many variables involved once we cross the partitions and step into the big wide world.  I'm definitely not trying to say any of this is bad, nor am I saying I wish it were easier.  I guess it's just the unsettled feeling of uncertainty, like the high pitched ringing sound in your ear that lingers past it's welcome, that I don't think I'll ever get used to.  It's more than just being at a fork in the road, I feel like I'm at a delta with all channels leading out to the magnificent sea.   As exciting as it might be, it's equally, if not more overwhelming.  One minute I'm marveling at the beauty of the journey ahead, envisioning myself at the end.  Then before I can take another breath, the shrinking feeling swarms my body like a million buzzing bees as I look across the vastness of all these decisions I have to make to reach my dreams.  I can't help but feel so fearful and scared.  Yet, what is fear except a starting point right?  I just finished reading this amazing book called The Dream Giver, by Bruce Wilkinson.  It's extremely encouraging and uplifting as it talks about The Big Dream we all have in our lives.  One of the sections touches upon fear.  Fear is obviously the biggest and most constant road block we face.  Fear never disappears, therefore we are called to be strong and take courage.  

     What is courage?  Courage is not the absence of fear; rather, it's choosing to act in spite of the fear.  You could say that without fear, you can't have genuine courage.  

     When you do act in courage, you discover that fear doesn't have to stop you.  You see that what you thought were your limits are more like starting points.   

     To take courage, you have to decide to go forward anyway.

Just going through the mid-twenty motions right now, but I'm definitely trying to make them forward motions.  Yay, life!  

paper

Before I left for Seoul, life in Cali was rather hectic.  Before I had the opportunity to wipe the summer sweat from my brow, graduation happened and SPOP was over.  Before I had the chance to take one more look behind me into the euphoric mass of people and memories of college life, there was only the glassy Pacific ocean that peered back.  That was almost 5 months ago.  Life happens fast doesn't it?  

Living in a Korea has been quite the eye opener.  More than just a cultural experience, it's given me a new perspective on the life I've lived in the states--the life I've taken for granted.  I understand why the outside world looks at us the way it does--like we're all rich.  In Korea, when you go shopping, you definitely don't want to speak any English or you'll get ripped off.  The first times I experienced this I would get so angry and just walk away.  After living there for a while, and then coming back to the states, I've realized, regardless of what my socio-economic background is, the fact that I live in America puts me higher up on the global food chain.  Coming back to the states gave me a new revelation in terms of how good we really have it here.  Despite the fact that we're in a recession and it's the "worsts it's ever been," we still have it pretty damn good compared to the rest of the world.  We're still a first world country, we still have easy access to clean water, and we still have the luxury of wasting SO much of everything.  Even the poorest in America still have cars, TVs, computers, garbage disposals, washers and driers.  In Korea, it's a luxury to have a drier, and no one has a garbage disposal, the majority of the population hang dries.  

When I first got to Korea, I definitely had a problem with the cups and paper products.  All cups are usually the size of a small dixie cup from a water cooler and napkins and toilet paper are single ply.  I guess the cup thing was easy to get used to, but the paper thing took a while.  Let me explicate.  A standard restaurant napkin in Seoul is the size of 2 toilet paper squares, and for some reason it never seems like any Korean ever needs to use them.  When I first got there I would use like 20 napkins and they'd sit crumpled and stained in front of me like snowy hills for a diorama.  After a while, I learned how to minimize my napkin use.  I guess I didn't realize this until I came back to the states and I got handed my first stack of napkins from McDonalds; it was like a small pillow.  So many napkins!  My old self would have thrown them out when I was done with the meal, but I left the extras in my glove box, in case of emergency.  Now, the toilet paper thing.  There are three things you must know before heading into a public restroom in Seoul.  First of all, not all public restroom have toilets you can sit on, most of them time you have to squat.  It can be a little tricky at first, but with practice, it's actually super quick and easy and it saves your tushie in the winter time.  Second, not all public restrooms have toilet paper.  They actually have vending machines outside most of them that sell little packets of tissues.  If a place has toilet paper, it's usually in a dispenser outside of the stalls and you stock yourself up before you head in.  Third, Korean bathrooms stink like shit because dirty toilet paper is thrown inside the trash cans.  It's really gross, but you get used to it.  Well, not really, I don't really follow that rule, but shhhh, don't tell anyone ok?