flying backwards

cool breeze.

warm squeeze.

contemplating a moment of ease.

secret rumors escape through breath,

collapsing lung and life.

driven by the delicacy of time,

hands fall forward.

and motions move back like the raging undercurrent.

drawn as thick, red velvet curtains

the dust dances off the fringes.

then,

 the lights go out.

end scene.

this doesn't mean everything has to be over.

I got heavy inspiration for this piece from a magazine.  Although not exactly the same, I still feel like a knock off artist.  I'm currently trying to force my decline in creativity to come to a halt.  Mainly because I'm sick of staring at the blank sheets of paper in my notebook with pen in hand for hours on end, then setting them both down with nothing to show for it.  So, if I have to get more than a little inspiration from other things, I'll take that from now.  Hopefully it'll be a good exercise to get my own creative juices flowing.

My guitar was adapted from some Indian henna designs.  I wanted to add more at the top, but I started to over analyze it in my head.  I hate when that happens.  Anyways, this is phase I, hopefully I'll be able to add some more soon.  

my neighbor

before he was here.

i know he had another life.  maybe not "another" life, but he had a different one.  i always try to catch his glance when i walk by, but he never pays much attention to anyone.  those tender eyes that rest on his weathered face are always so deep in thought, adrift in ruminations and places long past.  he seems to be suspended in those moments.  the moments that may have had a sweeter tempo, allowing him to at least kick up his heels once in a while when he walked.  the instances before he found himself sitting on the frozen curb watching his breath move in the cold air to pass his time.  at first glance, you would never think he made his residence on the hard sidewalks.  he keeps himself rather clean.  always bundled up in his big black coat, his round face sitting atop his assemblage of warmth.  some days he looks more tired than others.  on those days in particular, i really just want to stop and give him a hug, i want to tell him that i'm so sorry.  i'm sorry that he has to stuff his bedding away behind a dumpster in the morning and use a stick to get it out every night.  i'm sorry that he has to rummage through my trash to find boxes and paper to sleep on.  i'm sorry that his food is always cold.  i'm sorry that he has to sleep outside in 15 degree weather.  

i don't know what kind of life he had before this one.  my mind races through all the possible misfortunes and tragedies he may have endured whenever i tread past his presence.  i wish i knew.  whatever they may have been, whether "his fault" or the world's fault, no one should have to sleep outside in the cold.  some of my students come to my desk and talk to me between and after classes.  the other day, we were talking about how cold the weather was getting and one of my girls said, "in the winter time many homeless people die, and in the summer too."  when she said that my eyes teared up as my thoughts whirled around my neighbor.  

i suppose it's so easy to be a pessimist.  to think that nothing will ever get better; that the rich will continue to exploit the poor for their benefit.  to think that as technology continues to boom, the number of inward thinking, isolated people will also continue to grow as well.  although technology has done a great many things for some people, it has hurt more.  it has created a greater gap between global north and global south.  some may argue that the Internet is good because we now have the world at our finger tips, we can see suffering, become more educated and help more people.  but with one click, we can just as easily shield ourselves from it.  why stare at pictures of bloated babies and feel uncomfortable and guilty for being too lazy to give them your money when you can look at pictures of britney spears, laugh and not spend a cent.  way more thrilling right?  there are so many who don't have the option of clicking to another page because the pain and suffering of this world is their reality.  sure, technology has allowed us to become more aquatinted and informed about the social evils in this world, but what are we doing about it?  we see pictures, we read stories, we feel a little sad, but then we plug ourselves into our ipods and zone out on guitar rifts and electronic vibrations.  why is that?  because we have been raised in a country that has condoned us and conditioned us to tune others out.  with every text message, bbm, phone call, e-mail alert, sports update, gambling update, whatever else update ringing from our back pockets, it's become socially OK to be rude.  it's become ok to cut someone off when they're trying to tell you something important because our electronic life is screaming for our attention.  just as easily as we can cut someone off standing in front of us, it's even easier to cut off the hungry people who live in foreign lands.

although it is easy to be pessimistic, there is more that can be accomplished by being optimistic.  and there is even more that can be attained when we put that optimism into action.  we can sit around in our privileged lives and hope that the world gets better.  but nothing will change without action.  now is not a time to just read about what's going on and hope for a change, things must be done to accomplish change.  these things require us to stop thinking so much about ourselves and think more for others.  we many not have much as college students or recently graduated college students, but as citizens of the US, we, by default, have incredibly more than others.  sparing even one measly $1 is a huge contribution for the cause.  did you know that the republic of congo in central africa is the poorest country today with a GDP-per capita of $300 being followed by liberia with a GDP-per capita of $500.  yeah.  think about that.  we can't even imagine what it's like to live under those conditions, but think about what your dollar can do there.     

anyways, i guess the meat of my tangent for today has to do with my future aspirations.  the more i think about all these issues, the more i get excited about what i can do to change certain circumstances.  i can't wait to be a professor.

i leave you with this quote from bertrand russell, a british philosopher and nobel peace prize laureate for literature.  it really moved me.   

Three passions have governed my life: 
The longings for love, the search for knowledge, 
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness. 
In the union of love I have seen 
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision 
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge. 
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people]. 
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, 
But always pity brought me back to earth; 
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart 
Of children in famine, of victims tortured 
And of old people left helpless. 
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, 
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

Geeez

It's been a while since I've written anything.  Mainly due to the fact that I continue to fall victim to this road block of words, of fully being able to express myself with the perfect diction and verbiage.  But honestly, if you don't use it, you lose it, so I'm forcing myself to write now.  Forget standards, for get "perfect"...hahaha it's so hard though right?  I just need to remember that more than anything, I'm writing to express, and expression has no standard.  Also, I'm studying for the GRE, so I want to start practicing words.  Today's words are, "aberrant, aberration, and abet."  Look out for them below :)  Since it's been a while, let me catch you all up.  

I feel like a normal person again.  

These first 3 months of being cast out like loaded dice onto this tiny peninsula has been a roller coaster to say the least.  I say loaded because although this adventure has stretched me and squeezed me and thrown me in so many different directions, I'm right where I'm supposed to be, where God intended me to be.  

You know those moments you have in life, when you feel like the bottom is about to fall out.  When you watch everything you thought you were --- all the toiling experiences that created these elegant perceptions, the tinges of enlightenment, and the exuberant epiphanies about life dance listlessly past your fingertips and whooosh into nothingness.  Whoa, what just happened?  Who am I?  How did I get here?  Do I know anything?  Yes, I'm talking about that moment of utter panic when you can't stop the sweat from running down your face (so embarrassing when that happens) and you question everything and doubt anything valid about who you thought you were.  Is this really what life after college is supposed to be like?  Um, sorry sweetie pie, but yes it is.  As much as it sucks, it is as necessary as manure.  It stinks, but without it, nothing would grow.  So yes, I've come to realize that true life isn't like your last year in college.  You're seriously on top of the world at this point.  Once you step outside the boundaries of undergrad life, the ocean is much bigger.  It's definitely overwhelming, it's definitely uncomfortable, it's definitely something you're aberrant about stepping into because of how good you had it back on Campus Dr.  You come to the end of college feeling like you conquered it all, but it's really a false sense of "all," because all that we've known is what has existed in the confines of university life.  In our frame of reference, we remember how good it was 1 month ago, and how hard it is now.  It's easy to get tossed into the mentality which leads you to believe that this current unhappiness is the ultimate end.  It clouds our vision and impedes us from moving forwards at times.  All we know is what we feel, and sometimes it gets the best of us.  I suppose more so for us girls because we function emotionally.  Despite that, we can't forget how things started for us.  In college, we began as little seeds and grew into trees.  It took a lot of time and energy and work.  Well, post grad life = planting time all over again; gotta put in that time, energy and work.  When you've reached then end of a chapter in your life, it's nice to see the fruits of your labor, but you can't dwell there.  I can't tell you how much these last few months have humbled me, made me realize that I definitely don't know it all.  The more you resist, the harder you fall to your knees, and you can almost hear your bones crush on the floors.  The greatest thing though, is when you realize that you don't need to know it all.  It's ok to feel uncertainty and doubt.  I'm going to be 24 years old tomorrow, and I'm not expected to have any answers right now.  You want answers from Hannah Johnson, sorry she ain't got none.  For the first time since I've been 23, I'm actually excited about being 24!  I'm excited to see what this first year of real life will bring.  I talked to a lady at my church the other day, her name is Regina.  She's 50 years old, has raised 4 children back in Chicago, and just got her B.A. a year ago.  She moved to Korea to teach and of course for the experience.  But you want to hear the coolest part, next week she'll be taking her LSATs.  She wants to be a criminal lawyer and continue her years helping those who can't help themselves.  Talking to her was such a blessing.  In 1 conversation, the girth of my worries and stresses about the future diminished.  It's never too late to do anything, and I'm only 24!  Wow.  So I guess it just comes down to this, in the words of a man much wiser than I, "The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we stand, but in what direction we are moving."  Thank you Mr. Holmes.  I didn't realize the true magnitude of these words until I moved to Seoul. 

                 

Happy Pepero Day!!!

Today is 11/11, Veteran's Day in the states but here in S. Korea it's Pepero Day!!!  For those of you who don't know Pepero, you may be more familiar with it's Japanese counterpart Pocky Sticks.  The thin little cracker sticks covered in chocolate, some are filled with chocolate, some have nuts on them, some are strawberry, others are vanilla...oh yes, you know what I'm talking about.  Well here in Korea, they're called Pepero.  Pepero Day is similar to Valentines Day and is celebrated on the 11th because 11/11 looks like 5 sticks of pepero.  Apparently, this tradition of exchanging packs started about 10 years ago in Pusan by young school girls as a good luck charm for growing taller.  Though it's a cute story, we all know how marketing schemes work.  Similar to the way Hallmark and Hershey's profit from Valentine's Day, Lotte profits from Pepero Day.  Never the less, it was really fun getting pepero from my students today.  The single wrappers have a thick pepero in it.  The girls were also giving away 2 feet long peperos.  When I walked into one of my classes, they had made a huge heart of pepero boxes and had it hanging on the wall.  So cute.  Anyways, I have a life time supply of these things now and unfortunately I don't even really like them.  Oh well, Happy Pepero Day everyone! 

 

after tonight

1: Mace

I've decided that I want to buy some mace.  I've never really considered doing this before because I've never really doubted my security.  I grew up in a small town where it would take you 15 minutes to drive from one end to the other, and that's with hitting the red lights.  We were so drenched in boredom there was no room to be scared.  Then, there was college.  Of course it was a bigger city, but we lived in Orange County.  The only thing you really had to be afraid of were the plastic ladies with their self induced paralyzed faces and their anorexic, yappy dogs.  Yet despite all of that, I lived in a safe community with family or friends.  People I knew lived all around me.  As a female, it's not uncommon to experience those moments when you feel as though you're safety is threatened.  Living in the OC, I never really felt this threat.  Living by yourself, without the comfort of your friends or the familiarity of the area is different.  Feeling secure...well you don't really feel secure.  For the most part, Seoul is a safe city.  I mean, little kids ride the city buses, subways, and taxis all by themselves.  Despite that, when night hits, the devil comes out.  Korean's love to drink.  It's so intense over here that Korea has become known for it's "Drinking Culture."  The alcohol is so ingrained that it's a "culture."  Did you know that alcoholism wasn't even a concept until just recently.  People didn't know that it was a problem because everyone seemed to have it, it was just a norm.  Anyways, I'm getting off topic.  At night, doesn't matter if it's the weekend, if you're on one of the last subways and you're a girl, cover your head, don't make eye contact and just hope that no one bothers you.  Today for example, I was walking downstairs to the subway and this drunk man comes running behind me.  I thought he needed help so I stopped to see what he wanted and he starts yelling, "Hey, hey, gobble, gobble."  When I saw glazed over eyes that were just staring off into the distance, I turned around and kept walking.  He kept following and yelling at me, so I started running and hid behind a pillar until he got distracted with something else.  Although I was around other people, for a moment, I felt a little fearful.  I waited for the subway and when it came I jumped on.  Probably 80% of the people were drunk men.  The guy sitting across from me had his head down and was swaying back and forth.  About 6 or 7 stops later, he popped and slimy vomit just went all over him and his shoes.  He got up to leave, but not before throwing up again on the door.  I finally got to my transfer and when I was walking I encountered another old drunk guy.  He stopped in front of me and was trying to get up in my personal space, so I pushed him and just kept walking.  Again, it's creepy, but not too scary because I know that there are people around.  Although I take my precautions, there's still that fear.  Especially after seeing all the drunk men on the subway who are bigger than me and knowing that the nearest friend is 25 minutes behind me and doesn't have a car. 

2: Breathing

Pollution in Korea is bad.  It isn't as bad as China, but it's worse than L.A.  Although I quit smoking, I feel like living here is worse than being a smoker in Cali, especially since I'm walking all the time.  So, I've decided to give in.  I don't care if it looks dorky, I'm gonna buy a face mask.  I'm gonna try to find a cool one, or buy one and bedazzle it!  I'm actually really excited about this new mission/project.    This little guy is rocking a pretty cool one.  I wanted to snap some pictures of the ones they wear here, but I would feel like such a creep.

3: Bond

I watched James Bond tonight.  Please don't watch this movie.  It's so horrible.  Everything is over the top and the ending sucks.  I feel like they've just exploited the franchise and he doesn't have a personality, he's just a pimp who's not even that good looking.  

Fake Plastic

What happened to your face?
Dressed in lace,
you succumbed to society's mace.

Plastic poisons injected into brittle bones,
brought up by the poor spirits,
the bored spirits.














Trapped behind fall colored fashion, a mockery of God.













Beauty has fallen, vanquished by the knife. A spear to fill the gaps of a self destructing culture.















The images foretell the end to this tale.
The feeding of a growing emptiness epidemic.
More is never enough on this mission --



A mutilation of perfect art.

















Always seeking, never sought.















Always taking, but then it's forgot.

wings

sing like a sycamore, buzz like a bee
when did it pay to not be me?
instead i ask to seek things unseen.
to live a life where i'm not a fiend,
for of this world, i knew nothing of,
except for once when i felt true love.
but now the clouds have parted their ways,
even so, the ocean still crashes and sand still waves
and it will continue to be, forevermore.
when you think it can't bleed, the heart just pours
i glance at a picture of myself walking out the door
and i ask myself
is this a vision or is life this real?
it's as though i'm losing control of all i feel.
i drop to the ground and on my knees i kneel,
oh please let this not be my last meal.
is anybody listening or are my words lost in the wind?
i feel like something's burning from depths within.
oh consuming fire swallow me tonight,
be my wings as my soul takes flight.
into the air and away i wanna go,
please just take me to a place that nobody knows.
take me to that place and leave me all alone.

Zot Zot in Seoul?!

Today I went to get a flu shot. As I was coming back from the little clinic I stopped off at Sungshin Woman's University to go shopping. It was one of those moments when I really wished I had my camera. That part of the city is really refreshing. Reminds me a lot of San Fran with it's hills and brick buildings. I perused through the little shops and as I was shuffling through a rack of clothes the sales lady came up to me and said in korean, "This is California fashion." In my head I was thinking, "Oh California, I know that place." I shuffled through some sweatshirts and what did I find but this little dime piece! Of all the places to find a UCI sweatshirt! So those of you with a UCI sweatshirt, wear it with pride, because it represents "Caleponia pashion" in a little dinky shop somewhere on the streets of Seoul. Holla!!! Anyways, I totally have so many sweatshirts, but I had to buy this one. It really made me miss home and my past life.
So, my update. I'm so over cigarettes and I totally made it through the withdrawals...we'll for the most part. There's a few of them that are still lingering, but I think the worst is over. Work is good. My creative juices are getting a little exhausted though. At work I have the oldest computer in the room. Everyone else has nice flat screen new ones. I got stuck with the dusty old PC that freezes and crashes every 2 minutes. I guess you can say that my patience is growing in every possible way; with the kids and with life...and that's an understatement. Too tired to elaborate. Life is just happening to me, and it's kicking my ass for the better. :)

Withdrawls

Today will mark my 11th day without smoking a cigarette. I was a smoker for 5.5 years of my life. During those 5.5 years I spent an average of $1800 (maybe more) on cancer packs and probably around $300 on lighters. I attempted quitting 10 times, seriously attempted quitting 3 times, succeeded 0 times. The longest period of time that I went without a cigarette was 7 days. Although technically you could say it was a month, I totally cheated...serveral times.

At this point in my life, I am experiencing smoker's withdrawal symptoms. What's that like you ask? Well, usually when you take a look at a smoking cessation pamphlet, they list these symptoms:

* tingling in the hands and feet
* sweating
* intestinal disorders (cramps, nausea, constipation, gas, stomach pain)
* headache
* cold/flu like symptoms (sore throat, coughing)
* intense food cravings
* insomnia
* irritability
* anxiety
* depression
* vagueness
* boredom
* feeling cooped up
* fatigue
* dizziness
* tight chest pain
* weight gain
* restlessness

They aren't joking. For someone who has been smoking for only 5 years, I have experienced all of these, and it's been torture. Definitely NOT fun, and NOT easy to overcome. I know this is why I haven't been blogging, I can't concentrate, I get antsy, I get irritated, then I just erase and don't finish. On Monday, I called in sick to school because I was so exhausted and I was having the WORST intestinal cramps and my chest was so tight I wanted to cry. I slept all day Monday. When I went to school on Tuesday, I spent most of the day sleeping in the teacher's lounge and during class I had my students watch Finding Nemo. My co-teachers were really concerned for me after I threw up and wanted to take me to the hospital, but I had to forcefully talk them out of it. I just told them I would be better soon. Seriously, how was I supposed to explain to two Korean women who live in a society where smoking as a woman is soooo looked down on that I was going through withdrawal symptoms from being a smoker? Exactly, you don't. Although the last few days have been difficult, I'm just keeping my eye on the goal; looking forward to that day when all the chemicals will be normal in my body again. When things get really bad, I usually pray, stuff my face with chocolate, or look at disgusting pictures of smoker lungs to get me through the episode.




When I look at this, I wonder how black my lungs are. Anyways, to my smoker friends out there. I am encouraging you all to quit smoking. Believe in yourself that you can do it, and also give yourself the opportunity to dodge lung, tongue, esophageal, or mouth cancer. What's the point of smoking? What purpose does it serve? Is the satisfaction that it gives you worth more than the cost of chemotherapy 40 years down the line? Exercise some will power and stop being a prisoner to these consumer products made from the exploited hands of laborers around the world. Think about other ways you could be spending that $5. While we carelessly blow that money on cigs, then sit and enjoy putting tar into our lungs, people in other parts of the world struggle to make that much money in a week. Let's help out the human race for once, and not ourselves.

http://www.unicef.org/index.php
http://www.childrenshungerfund.org/

So try it out, try quitting! If you're still hesitant, and you don't think you can do it, I am asking you to give up smoking for at least a month and try donating that month's worth of cancer stick $$$ to one of those organizations. If you can't save your life, at least try to save someone else's. but seriously, YOU CAN DO IT!!! If I can manage to do it in a country that has been named a Smoker's Paradise, then you can certainly do it wherever you are. For those of you who haven't been smoking for that long, it's better if you quit now, it's a lot easier! For those of you who have been smoking longer, QUIT NOW, it's only going to get harder, and the withdrawals will be even more intense. Believe in yourself, I know you have the ability to do it. You have a will power that could make mountains crumble! FFFIGHTING!

splove!

spare change?

perplexed, i reflect on the song of the rejects.
watching as they scramble to manage letters into words.
since when was speaking such a crime?
a murmur of the soul left trapped within a creaky wooden box
as the key is flung into a relentless crowd.
these ones adorn a tattered shroud.
left to haunt the city as ghosts,
invisible to those who chose not to see.
it's a clever tool used to leave the forgotten forgot.
while on the first floor,
merry men sit and stuff their faces to oblige their bellies.
they consume with a gaze that stirs a craze from hearts of desire.
i hesitate to inquire.
but the image is to daunting to brush away.
a hope crushed struggles to live another day.
and so they remain.
in the same gutters and alleys in which they came.
"spare change to clear your conscious?"


photographer: aaron frey

psycho analysis of korea

i've kind of been going through this funk. i think it's a funk from finding myself at the bottom of the pit again. at a place where life starts and new foundations begin to build. it's always hard to see the view when you don't even have a structure to stand on. it's tough, but i know that in the end, i will find myself in a place where i can look down and say, "i just did that, can life get any better?" i suppose that is always the motivation to keep driving forward regardless of whatever hardships we face. though we may not see the end of the tunnel yet, we can only imagine and hope for what that feeling will be like -- that feeling of accomplishment and validation in our abilities to persevere and overcome these obstacles and challenges.

my work as a teacher is hard. i love it, but it's definitely very challenging, especially with the language barrier, and especially since they are tweenies. some days they come in so excited to learn, other days they just want to goof off. some days they seem interested and engaged, others they are distant and bored. it's hard because their levels of english vary so much. i have some 1st graders that are more advanced than my 3rd graders. as you can imagine, it's hard to make lessons that fit with everyone. it's also hard to do the same lesson 18 times using the same jokes when i know that my co-teachers have heard them at least 4 times. despite all of this, the little progress that i do see is the most amazing thing. when i hear my girl's voices echoing down the hall of things i've taught them, it makes me so happy. when i see them make the effort to speak english whenever i pass by to catch my attention, i can't help but smile. i feel so privileged to be the one that gets to teach them English. at the same time, this excitement is also a little tarnished by my apprehensions about what i'm actually doing here. hmmm, what does that mean? well let me give you a little 4-1-1 on korea and english.

as many of you may know, korea is crazy about learning english right now. for obvious reason, english gives you a competitive edge and a little more leverage in the international market. english has become the international language. why? because we, the native english speakers come from a land of power and money. everyone else is struggling to be like us. so, over 3000 native english teachers were hired by the korean government to teach in the public schools. now, we get paid pretty well, so it's hard to complain. a great salary, free housing, and practically free lunch every day at school. our schools pay for many of our basic furnishings and appliances, so we're set when we get here. president crazy-man lee has this vision of having every student fluent in english my the time they reach high school. his master plan is to have math and science taught completely in english by the year 2012ish or 15 (can't remember the exact date). seriously now? as if korean students don't have enough stress. the average korean household spends about 14 trillion won annually on private english tutoring/after school programs. in addition to how much the government alone is spending on english education, a lot of freaking money is being paid to us native english speakers. the reason i feel so apprehensive is due to what i've seen of this country so far. the president has said that the vicious cycle of poverty that exists in korea could come as a result of the english divide (between those who can afford private tutoring and those who can't). let me tell you, there is a huge gap between the wealthy and the poor in korea, and it's wicked sad. two-thirds of s. korea's population live in seoul. everyone else lives in what is non-affectionately know as the "shee ghol" - the coutryside, the boonies. it's where the poor folk live. if it's not seoul, then it's the see ghol. there is hardly a middle class in korea, which is where the problem lies. how can a government say that teaching english will bridge the divide between the poor and the rich, when it will only separate it. i was talking to one of my friends who has a friend working outside of seoul. his friend told him that many of the students outside of seoul are incredibly poor and live with their grandparents. their parents leave them to live/work in the city to try to make a living. the resources in the schools are minimal and the level of english that the students are at in comparison to their seoul counterparts are not definitely not equal. he told me that he wanted his friend to move into the city to teach, but she didn't want to because the kids outside of the city need a lot of love. so still, the ones who are really learning english are those who can afford to pay for the private classes. but how can a government, and so many families justify spending so much money towards this venture when they can't even help their poor? the welfare system here is practically non-existent. it is so sad. my heart breaks when i see the beggars in the subway stations. they are old, poor, disabled, starving, cold people living in the tunnels of this "high-tech" city. if this is how the poor are in the city, i can't even imagine what it's like in the see ghol. i understand now what professor uriu meant about korea's "growth first ideology." growth first, that's the bottom line. to be the best at any expense, even if it's their own people. korea has had to deal with a lot of catching up, and a lot of set backs along the way, which is why i feel they are so fervent in their endeavors to be so competitive at any cost. i don't know, i may be over stepping my boundaries, and i may be just speaking out of ignorance because i really have never and will never truly understand what it means and what it is to be korean. but in my opinion, this growth first ideology is all jacked up. not just in political terms, but in social terms. korea's economic growth in such a short period has really opened the flood gates. i see it as the younger, deprived child, and now that it acquired a little success, it's painting the town red. the materialism in this country is so nuts. not to say that america is any better, but seriously, korean's are obsessed with the latest fashion, the newest and coolest toys, gadgets and gizmos. you have to get the new one, the best one, the shiny one, the one that the anorexic french models are wearing. you have to mutilate your face otherwise you won't be beautiful. here's a fact for you, did you know that 1 in every 2 women in korea have had some sort of cut, sew or prick done to their face. i honestly don't care if someone choses to augment their body, it's their choice, but what does it mean when 50% of the women in a country are drastically changing their facial features all for the sake of being "the best?"

so, i don't quite know how i got to this point. but that's just my two cents for the evening.

keep the peace, spread the love! thanks for reading.

news

sleepless,
i weep less.
wondering what awaits beyond the sentence.
a present tense sculpted with hands of perfection.
it's a motion that moves a soothe so immense,
the body temperature rises.
no, raises the senses with blessing from above.
with open eyes and a fleeting heart,
the mind suddenly becomes exposed to a truth.
with a pinch of reality, and two dashes of salt,
the dish is finished.
sweet aromas consume the nostrils
and rich flavors dance on the buds
leaving the tongue yearning for more.
this is a place for the poor.
the children of lost hope find refuge in this scent.
no longer a decent,
but a consumption for comfort.
the body may starve amidst a cold world,
but the spirit will always be fed.
the years of blind wandering,
leading into alleys of pain and fear will met away
as ice on a hot summer day;
water for the flowers
to bloom in the spring of a new youth.
this is the season of rebirth ---
the year of awakening.

e-mails and spiders

sorry i haven't been posting.  been pretty busy and staying exhausted.  i don't think i've slept a full 8 hours since i've been here.  anyways, this post is dedicated to ray-ray :)  the other week a few of my girls asked me for my e-mail address.    

Dear. Hannah♥

(I made gmail today~)

Hi ! I'm Jewel kim

when you just hear my name, maybe you don't know about me.
beacause you teach hundreds of students.

I have a forelock (Is this word right? I want to say hairs that cover my forehead)
I band(?) my hair, and wear red glasses.

I can't speak English very much, so I really feel heavy(?). beacuse I can't tell you somthing. so I tried to send e-mail to tell you (beacause on e-mail, I can find dictionary) somthing. I'll write lots of e-mail about me and my life.

But I'm not good at English as you know
so I sometimes find some words in dictionary.                                                 

beacause of it, I must wrote or will write wrong words or sentences.
Could you check those thing, and tell me? or send me letters ! then I will be very happy.(It is just my hope.) 
I've naver recevied letters in English.     

When I heard that American teacher will be school, I was so excited but also worried. 

Beacause when I was 13 in English  Village, ( Engligh Village is study English  with foreigner teacher , playing games for one week or two week or one month. ) there are some not good teachers. (Of course there are super good teachers ) When white teacher who has tattoo have lost his cap, he shouted very very loudly "give me my cap in 10 second!" and he gave us red stamp.( red stamps is bad ) And there are some teachers who looking down on(?) us. they seems don't like us.

but I heard you are half korean (right?). so I feel a lot familiar.   And everybody in our school(students, even theachers-theachers talks a lot about you  in class) likes you very much. really!! our think your very pretty and nice.  when you say "Hello ladies!" my friends reaaly like this sentense. especially 인영  

we all like you!     

miss Johnson, I think it's time to stop writting this letter. bye~

SECOND E-MAIL

Hello, Miss Johnson!

This is jewel!

I was so happy to heard that you know who I am.

 

I was surprised and delighted at(Is this preposition,at is proper for 'suprised' and 'delighted'?)

your e-mail that already have arrived. The e-mail have arrived . The e-mail have arrived earlier

than I had thought. then, I cliched expecting your e-mail (Can I add v-ing to expect?  we cannot

 use v-ing love, like, hate envy etc. this kind of verbs.) It is such a kind and long e-mail.

thank you!

there are a few big words, but they didn't matter to understand what you said.

later, I found them in dictionary and tried to understand exactly again.

 

You are a Korean American!

I had thought you are a half Korean- half American. Because of your last name, Johnson.

I didn't know exactly who you are - and everybody doesn't know exactly  who you are.

Other teachers said "Maybe her mom is a Korean, she is 24-year-old(25?), she can speak

Korean a little bit, she is from California and she is first to teach in Korea "

These are all to understand you. so I was always wondering who you are.

I'd never known your Korean listening skills are good!

 

anyway, the next paragraph that I'm going to say, may seem very rude. I'm really sorry but

I belive you can understand me. I wanna tell you.

 

well..........

you said loveing in Korea will help you get better to speak in Korean.

I'm really glad becauseI feel you love Korea.

But I hope you don't learn Korean a lot from us, our school's students. We use some bad slangs

(I believe this word is proper. It is important to understand what I'm saying)

For example, '거짓말 하지마! (=you're lying!)' instead this expression, we usually say '구라치지마'

or '뻥치지마'.

Although there aren's slangs, we usually use rude Korean.

For example, '화장실 다녀왔어? (= Did you go to the bathroon?")' instead this, a few students (not

many) say '똥 싸고 왔냐?'. This sentence is very disagreeable to hear.

sometimes, some teachers say this kind of things just for fun.

 

In addition, Hong Kong actor, Jackie Chan can speaks in Korean.

The funny thing is when he speaks in Korean, he behave like a lady.

The reason is his Korean x-girlfriend who went out 8 years(?). she is a super shy girl.

So when she used korean in front of Jackie Chan, she must was very shy.

Jackie Chan learend korean to her, and speaking Korean like lady!

Since I've known this story, I think person who teach language's manner is important.

 

I know my opinion can be wrong, but I want to tell you! 

 

Oh It's time to bed ! I usually go to bed at AM 1:00~2:00, but today is holiday!

Good night! :)

 

P.S.  I think ' :) ' It is very cut. but when make it bigger than :) this size, It truns uglier than before.

Allow me to introduce my ladies :)

                                        

They are really shy about showing their faces, but don't let that deceive you, they are very devious little girls.

What could be better than going to work to see these girls every day :)  These are the 3rd graders, the 1st graders are even cuter!  (in korea you say 1st, 2nd, 3rd for middle school)

I'm too tired to go into depth about what teaching has been like.  For now, I will say that I love it so much.  Being a teacher is phenomenal.  It's challenging and stressful at times, but it's definitely been so rewarding and it's only been a month.  Hopefully this momentum doesn't lose it's zeal!

Thanks for reading.  

korea 101...from the past 2 weeks

So I was talking to my other S.M.O.E. (Seoul Metropolitan Office of Education) friends about being the "foreigner" in a different country.  It's been rather interesting to be the minority, to not be able to speak the language or order food without points and grunts, to know that every time you step onto a subway or the street people are staring at you or trying to snap a picture of you.  I guess for me it's a little bit of a different story because I am the foreigner that can't be so easily pointed out unless I open my mouth.  So in that sense, it's been interesting to watch the reactions of the people here that happen behind the backs of the Americans.  The whispers, the giggles, the straight up stares.  It's even more interesting because to some extent, I can understand what the whispering means, "why isn't she wearing a jacket with that shirt (from an old woman in disgust at the cleavage), he talks so funny (about an australian), they are so loud (because most American's are)" and so forth.

I know earlier I said that I really didn't feel like there was a huge change, but I suppose I've been realizing it a little bit more.  Back home, I remember I had to act a certain way with the Korean community.  Certain practices of respect I guess you could say.  The thing was, I didn't really have to do it all the time because we were in America and most of that stuff didn't fly.  Here it's a not a pick and choose kind of deal.  There's a lot of emphasis on respect and hierarchy.  One of the first things people will ask you when you go out with friends or something is your age.  

I went to Hongdae the other night.  It's like club central and the music is sooooo good.  Going out to the bars with a lot of foreigners in the area got me a little irritated.  By foreign I am mainly talking about Americans.  These guys were loud and rude and arrogant and messy and really took no notice of all the people they were offending.  Why is it like this?  Because as Americans, we are so privileged, the elites, the world power, and because of that, we can do whatever the heck we want.  We can go to a different country and disregard the culture and not even think twice, but when the immigrants come to America and they so much as look in the wrong direction, the attitude is always f*ck them, let's send them back to where they came from.  I guess it's unfair for me to speak for all the Americans, because I know that our whole country is not like that, and there are definitely a number of good people here who are trying to understand Korea and acclimate, but it's just too hard to disregard the others and I feel disgusted that they are the ones that leave such a bitter taste of America here.  It's always the loud ones that get remembered.  

Anyways, on to the fun stuff.

THINGS

Thing #1: Traffic laws - there are none.  Yes there are stop lights and stop signs and crosswalks, but people pretty much do whatever they want.  Pedestrians DO NOT have the right of way, if you're in the way, a car will not stop for you so you better get your ass running.  The streets here are so narrow, and it's so amazing to be that cars actually drive down them.  You literally have to hug the wall to save yourself from getting hit.  Everyone here also loves to honk their horns, scooters, cars, buses, and bikes.  Also, as far as the hierarchy of who can break the most traffic laws, if you see a bus coming, run, they do whatever the heck they want.  Drive through the crosswalks, drive on the wrong side of the rode to pass traffic, make u-turns in the middle of the street, anything goes.  

Thing #2: Ambulances - I would hate to be hurt in the back of an ambulance because I would probably die before I got to the hospital.  The ambulances here do have lights and sirens, but they don't mean anything.   Remember, the traffic rule.  Everyone here is an aggressive driver, no one will make room for you to switch lanes, and NO ONE will pull over so the ambulance can pass.

Thing #3: Drinking - Never pour your own drinks (because that is a sign that you are an alcoholic), never drink alone, never order drinks without ordering food, never order more than 1 beer or pitcher at a time, always finish your drink before you ask for someone to give you some more, always pour the drink using your left hand to support your right, always turn away from the table when you take a shot, never refuse a shot, if someone pours you one and you don't want it it's more respectful to take it and lift it when everyone takes it but then put it down, that is completely acceptable.  Never order water when you can order beer, most waiters will look at you funny if you ONLY get water.  Got that?  Good, we can move on.

Thing #4: Personal space - It doesn't exist.  The subways are crowded, the streets are crowded, the sidewalks are crowded.  Everyone is walking into each other, everyone is bumping into each other, and no one cares.  I was getting onto the bus and the bus driver slammed on the gas (which always happens so you better grab ahold of something so you don't fall) and I wasn't quite ready so I fell into a girl, I got up and apologized in Korean and she didn't even looked fazed.  It happens all the time here.  You go to the U.S. and you fall into someone, you apologize profusely.

Thing #5: People here love wearing shirts with English on them, even though they have no idea what it says.  For example: "FUCK YOU, have a nice day."  "Don't eat, do cocaine."  "I eat crap."  "Drink piss repeat (it has a different meaning when they're aren't any commas like there should be)."

Thing #6: Couples - you think Korean dramas are bad, Korea is a romantic comedy in the flesh.  Everyone is running their hands through each other's hair, holding hands, kissing, all up on each other.  It's also really popular to wear matching shirts.  I tried to snap pictures, but I thought it would be kind of weird.  I seriously could have made a whole album in one hour of walking down the street.

Thing #7: Walk on the left side, or get run over

Thing #8: I'm tired...I miss the homies.   

just going to write until i fall asleep

you can feel the ground grumble right before you see the two headlights pop out from around the corner.  as it comes to an abrupt stop, the current cant help but wisp your hair into a hundred dizzying directions.  it likes to tease you like this.  yet, it's a refreshing feeling, a prompt break from the warm damp air that consumes your pores.  the glass doors open and 100 black heads of hair spill into a clutter before you as you struggle to meet the other end of the tangle.  you step on just as the door closes to see a mass of arms clinging to the holds from the ceilings.  much like racks of meet hang at the slaughter house, the smell isn't much different.  deep breath, embrace, and off we go, traveling underground through the veins of the city.  it's the pulse -- the blood line pumping people into all directions, oozing them onto the sidewalks above.  it's rather relentless in it's prerogative.  yet this is not the only blood line existing here, i have one too, one that began long before the subways were even an idea.  

it's such a crazy feeling coming...home.  i never knew what the huff was about when people would yammer on about the motherland.  "the motherland?"  i would think.  "who really cares, you were born in america, just because your family originated from there doesn't give you the entitlement of calling it your own."  oh how wrong i was.  when i flew into seoul i looked out my window to see the imperfect rows of specks, dots, and dashes amidst the mountains and my new life that awaited me down there.  35 years ago, my mom looked out of her window to see blue skies and a frontier of possibilities that awaited her in america.  regardless of whatever challenges she faced with the clashing of cultures, she did it, she acclimated.  i supposed that's been my driving force.  i know it'll come, i'll feel the familiar, but it's just a matter of time.  i'm enjoying this time right now though.  i've still been waiting for my culture shock, but it hasn't happened.  i'm here with my people, the people that i so desperately tried to disassociate myself with growing up, all for the sake of being "american."  in seoul, we are the majority, we are the minority, we are the rich, we are the beggars, we are the trash men, we are the cooks, we are the prostitutes, we are the athletes, we are the janitors, we are the nannies, the store owners, the delivery boys, the hagglers, the gang members, the saints, the sinners, the everything.  it's such a crazy site to see, to come from a community of power dynamics based on race, to one that is not -- to go from a diverse melting pot, to a homogenous brew.  i don't know if i like it or if i don't, i haven't really decided yet, it's just different.  it's definitely difficult to get anything done because my speaking skills are so horrible.  this has allowed me to take a seat and be an observer though, which has been pretty cool.  at times it's frustrating, especially since "convenience" is not a tangible thing for me right now. i'm still learning how this society works, a civilization of shopkeepers and districts.  here, there are districts.  for example, dongdaemun is the fashion/clothing district.  you can't really find much else there.  the area i live in is a warehouse district, the shops distributes to big stores, so the majority of the shops sell in bulk.  in other parts there is a street that sells only fire extinguishers, there's one that only sells pets.  it's really fascinating.  i see the remnants of the villages from korea's history in this high tech city.  interesting as it is, you can understand how this can be a little frustrating.  

my friends and i were trying to buy things for our apartments.  nothing too crazy, just extention coords, hangers, some clothes, things like that.  unfortunately costco was closed when we had hit the streets, so we figured we could just pick them up somewhere else.  ha!  we spent the majority of the afternoon walking in huge circles looking for a store that sold hangers.  we should have been thinking a little harder.  remember the word "district"?  well, we found a belt area, which turned into a racket area (tennis, badminton), which turned into a pajama area, which then led us to a corner with a store FULL of hangers.  i bought a pack of 100 for 20000 won (about $20).  as we left the store and turned the corner, there were at least 5 other stores that sold hangers.  it was a site to see.  regular plastic hangers, big hangers, small hangers, bedazzled hangers, every kind of hanger you could imagine to put your coat, sock, pants on.  the only downside about finally finding them: i had to lug a pack of 100 hangers all the way back to my friend's apt, then onto the subway with 2 transfers.  that was pretty comical, and yes, it is heavier than it looks.                         

so it's almost 3:00am on monday morning.  i should be sleeping, but i needed to get my apt in order before i could sleep.  it's really weird being completely on my own.  yeah i have friends around here, but the closest one is 15 minutes on the subway.  yeah...no other words to really describe it, just weird.  i miss all my friends!  i can't wait until i get used to this place because then i'll finally be able to sleep a whole night through, until then, look forward to more early morning delirious posts.  cheers!

i have to end on a cute note.  these little ones were literally 2.5 ft tall and they were scaling a huge mountain of stairs.  they looked like little red ants hobbling up the incline.  they would get distracted when we waved and bump into each other...probably not the best thing to distract them, but they were so freaking adorable! (the whole length was probably 5 times this photo, don't know how they did it, i almost died myself).

:)

i woke up this morning, walked to the sink to wash my face, when i looked down into the bowl, there was a smiley face made from 3 pieces of water on the drain.  it was a really nice way to start the morning.  hello thursday!  

got rice?

(korean gayugeum)

so i've been here for almost 3 days and i've got 1 word.  RICE.  we eat rice three times a day at this prison they call orientation.  don't get me wrong, the people here are freaking off the hook, BUT orientation is extremely regimented.  our days go from 9-9pm and sadly only 1/3 of it is actually useful information.  spops definitely helped me with endurance, i've probably slept a total of 7 hours since i've been here.  i think it's partly due to the nerves and jet lag, but also because our days start at 7am.  i'd say the most educational stuff comes from my convos with people who have already taught here.  they have gotten me so freaking excited to start teaching.  our job is basically to play games with the students and make english "fun."  it's so crazy to think i'm going to be miss. johnson for 22 classes a week!  i'll be teaching secondary school in the dongbu district which is central north eastish.  it's about 20 minutes from gangnam which is considered to be the beverly hills of seoul.  i've been told it's a pretty happening spot with lots of happening spots surrounding it, so i can't wait to move in!  also, get this, the only COSTCO in seoul is 10 minutes away!!!  

yesterday, one of the coordinators told us we couldn't drink for the duration of our stay here.  they even had the convenient store downstairs put their beers away.  bullocks!  come on now, how are you going to tell 250 jet lagged people who flew 12-17 hours to get here that they can't drink?  so in protest, a group of us walked down the street to another convenient store and bought some 40's and soju.  two bottles of soju are like 2500 won, which is equivalent to $2.50!  haha, add the europeans to the picture and 20 minutes later it was utter chaos.

i feel like i'm still in the birthing canal.  this week has been a nice intro to what we're going to be doing out here, but the fact that i'm around 250 native english speakers hasn't done "being in korea" any justice.  everyone here is antsy to get out, including me!  i've been mentally preparing for the culture shock that awaits me in 4 days.

the landing

it's pretty crazy how abrupt life can be.  one minute you could be sitting at a table, having a few beers and looking across into the faces of the people who have changed your life for the better.  the next minute you could wake up to the worst kind of turbulence you've ever experienced, look out your window and see hundreds of swirly lines that caress the surface of russia! 
airplane food: bi bim bap, pickles, honey dew, seaweed soup, wine~ mmmmmMmMMMMmm

1 week ago i was so excited to come to korea, 1 day ago i thought i had made a mistake in this decision.  14 hours later in addition to a 2 hour bus drive through the wilderness of seoul my anxious heart is at peace.  i'm exactly where i want to be and there is absolutely no time or room for doubt.  to choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation. -martel.  probably the hardest thing about being out here is being away from everyone else, despite that, i know that if i weren't here, i'd be wishing i was.  i've already had some pretty cool conversations with a dj, some brits, and a former uci alum.  the coolest thing, i get to start all over, meet new amazing people, and add more stories to this already blessed life i've led.  there are peeps from all over the place, from different walks of life, different ages, different experiences.  i'm super excited to hear their perspectives and stories over the next week.  my roommates: iesha is my age from philidelphia, college graduate and kindergarten teacher for a year, igana, a little younger than middle aged, from colorado, just finished her masters in education, is here to pay off her loans.  hahaha, this orientation week is going to be like spop, we're staying in dorms!  lucky for these people, i happen to know a thing or two about orientations and i'm freaking going to make everyone play whoosh!  holla!

  

trying...

one of my goals is to keep up on this blog.  so far i've been lacking.  

anyways, today's thoughts:

"don't worry about how you're going to get an A, worry about doing your best."

the coords had circle time last week, and mike knox dropped some knowledge.  although it seems so simple, that statement is so powerful.  many times we worry about getting that A or getting to that end point that the stress just overcomes us and we struggle to hit our mark.  all we really need to do is change our mentality.  if we focus on working our hardest and doing a good job, then the A will come.  this isn't just in the confines of school work, but life as well.  

this whole event planning business that is SPOP has been the craziest experience of my life.  many times the work and the stress can be overwhelming, but after listening to what mike had to say, i feel a little more at ease.   i guess i was so concerned with creating the best program, and training the best staff, and having the most successful SPOPs ever.  trying to have the best of everything is such a lot to stress about.  instead, it's better to just look at the work we have to do, and make sure we're doing our best.  your input will always produce an output.  if you do a shitty job, it will show, if you work your ass off, that will show as well.  

just a little food for thought!

 

free write, 2 minutes

because ray said to... :)

higher in the skies i can feel where my heart beats

hidden in a place where the water from my mind leaks

it's like that feeling before you peak, 

just before you're tongue can speak

and the rush is a hush that makes the sounds from your ears bleed.

so i stop to the drop of the softest pillow top

and the hum is the sum of a love that's flickering.

so i walk in the chapel and watch my coins go clinkering

and i pray for the day when the sorrows lingering

will be driven to a place 

where the dust cannot embrace 

and the taste of your face will not fade into the case,

that's closed.

so i know,

i can go,

to the open 

glass window.

and i'll sit in the silence of a round moon light

as i try to remember what those feelings felt like

with the fingers on the frets,

the strings did not forget

our song,

the one we sang

before the dawn,

it'll be gone before too long.

so just sing that story as i concede,

that life is much better when we do good deeds

when we use our words we can follow the leads

of the great minds

who came and died,

but not in vein

because then we came

to pick up the pieces and keep the legacy strong

and we'll keep on going even if we do wrong

because "no regrets" doesn't mean no mistakes

sometimes it takes losing high stakes

to know who we are and what we can do

that we are all capable to do something new

and share a light that was passed to us

if we fail to do this, our life will be a bust

just trust....

the desert

paint me a pink sky

with unruly lines

so we can sit

and watch it

together

instead of studying for finals...