Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Geeez

It's been a while since I've written anything.  Mainly due to the fact that I continue to fall victim to this road block of words, of fully being able to express myself with the perfect diction and verbiage.  But honestly, if you don't use it, you lose it, so I'm forcing myself to write now.  Forget standards, for get "perfect"...hahaha it's so hard though right?  I just need to remember that more than anything, I'm writing to express, and expression has no standard.  Also, I'm studying for the GRE, so I want to start practicing words.  Today's words are, "aberrant, aberration, and abet."  Look out for them below :)  Since it's been a while, let me catch you all up.  

I feel like a normal person again.  

These first 3 months of being cast out like loaded dice onto this tiny peninsula has been a roller coaster to say the least.  I say loaded because although this adventure has stretched me and squeezed me and thrown me in so many different directions, I'm right where I'm supposed to be, where God intended me to be.  

You know those moments you have in life, when you feel like the bottom is about to fall out.  When you watch everything you thought you were --- all the toiling experiences that created these elegant perceptions, the tinges of enlightenment, and the exuberant epiphanies about life dance listlessly past your fingertips and whooosh into nothingness.  Whoa, what just happened?  Who am I?  How did I get here?  Do I know anything?  Yes, I'm talking about that moment of utter panic when you can't stop the sweat from running down your face (so embarrassing when that happens) and you question everything and doubt anything valid about who you thought you were.  Is this really what life after college is supposed to be like?  Um, sorry sweetie pie, but yes it is.  As much as it sucks, it is as necessary as manure.  It stinks, but without it, nothing would grow.  So yes, I've come to realize that true life isn't like your last year in college.  You're seriously on top of the world at this point.  Once you step outside the boundaries of undergrad life, the ocean is much bigger.  It's definitely overwhelming, it's definitely uncomfortable, it's definitely something you're aberrant about stepping into because of how good you had it back on Campus Dr.  You come to the end of college feeling like you conquered it all, but it's really a false sense of "all," because all that we've known is what has existed in the confines of university life.  In our frame of reference, we remember how good it was 1 month ago, and how hard it is now.  It's easy to get tossed into the mentality which leads you to believe that this current unhappiness is the ultimate end.  It clouds our vision and impedes us from moving forwards at times.  All we know is what we feel, and sometimes it gets the best of us.  I suppose more so for us girls because we function emotionally.  Despite that, we can't forget how things started for us.  In college, we began as little seeds and grew into trees.  It took a lot of time and energy and work.  Well, post grad life = planting time all over again; gotta put in that time, energy and work.  When you've reached then end of a chapter in your life, it's nice to see the fruits of your labor, but you can't dwell there.  I can't tell you how much these last few months have humbled me, made me realize that I definitely don't know it all.  The more you resist, the harder you fall to your knees, and you can almost hear your bones crush on the floors.  The greatest thing though, is when you realize that you don't need to know it all.  It's ok to feel uncertainty and doubt.  I'm going to be 24 years old tomorrow, and I'm not expected to have any answers right now.  You want answers from Hannah Johnson, sorry she ain't got none.  For the first time since I've been 23, I'm actually excited about being 24!  I'm excited to see what this first year of real life will bring.  I talked to a lady at my church the other day, her name is Regina.  She's 50 years old, has raised 4 children back in Chicago, and just got her B.A. a year ago.  She moved to Korea to teach and of course for the experience.  But you want to hear the coolest part, next week she'll be taking her LSATs.  She wants to be a criminal lawyer and continue her years helping those who can't help themselves.  Talking to her was such a blessing.  In 1 conversation, the girth of my worries and stresses about the future diminished.  It's never too late to do anything, and I'm only 24!  Wow.  So I guess it just comes down to this, in the words of a man much wiser than I, "The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we stand, but in what direction we are moving."  Thank you Mr. Holmes.  I didn't realize the true magnitude of these words until I moved to Seoul. 

                 

6 comments:

Sarahppa said...

that stream of consciousness was the most amazing thing i've read.

you're fucking brilliant.
happy almost birthday

jHust said...

Honest to God, I couldn't have said it better myself. It's all back to the beginning of the cycle, but this time we're better equipped...

Doris said...

I told Sarah to read this entry because it was so amazing! I really couldn't stop reading this entry.. it was so powerful. Dropping knowledge even from Soeul :)

12FV, RFV said...

yea thats some mad knowledge

Jeremy Says..... said...

You never stop amazing me. I am always eager to hear your words of wisdom and this is nothing short of amazing. I look forward to reading more of your posts!! I miss ya and I can't wait to see you again in January!!!

SuJ said...

i'm definitely understanding how you felt about the last year in college. we'll see how that goes, but thanks for showing such a real outlook on things