Friday, January 16, 2009


I can't really put my finger on these emotions that continue to pass through me.  It's a constant push and pull across a spectrum of feelings.  Lately, my mind wanders carelessly regardless of what I'm doing; never really able to concentrate and focus on what's in front of me.  It's fascinatingly frustrating.  Constantly lost in thought since I've been back home, I feel so consumed in this wide open space.  I can't say I really enjoy it, but at the same time I'm convincing myself to appreciate it.  After all, experience is our greatest instrument right?  Like the ever persistent salty tide, experience continues to ebb and flow, eroding away at this pridefulness and arrogance I carry so stiffly on my shoulders.  Lessons in humility never lose their bite, and they definitely never go away.

When we were younger, we were given such a picturesque idea of adulthood.  We were spoon fed stories of success and the good life.  As children, we were so far from reality.  We were so protected from cold hard truths as we saw the neatly trimmed, finished product.  The path that gets you there was unaccounted for.  I guess one of the hardest growing pains happens when we realize what it really takes for us to get there.  Success doesn't just flutter through the front door on a sleepy summer afternoon (although it would be nice).  No, no, there are way too many variables involved once we cross the partitions and step into the big wide world.  I'm definitely not trying to say any of this is bad, nor am I saying I wish it were easier.  I guess it's just the unsettled feeling of uncertainty, like the high pitched ringing sound in your ear that lingers past it's welcome, that I don't think I'll ever get used to.  It's more than just being at a fork in the road, I feel like I'm at a delta with all channels leading out to the magnificent sea.   As exciting as it might be, it's equally, if not more overwhelming.  One minute I'm marveling at the beauty of the journey ahead, envisioning myself at the end.  Then before I can take another breath, the shrinking feeling swarms my body like a million buzzing bees as I look across the vastness of all these decisions I have to make to reach my dreams.  I can't help but feel so fearful and scared.  Yet, what is fear except a starting point right?  I just finished reading this amazing book called The Dream Giver, by Bruce Wilkinson.  It's extremely encouraging and uplifting as it talks about The Big Dream we all have in our lives.  One of the sections touches upon fear.  Fear is obviously the biggest and most constant road block we face.  Fear never disappears, therefore we are called to be strong and take courage.  
     What is courage?  Courage is not the absence of fear; rather, it's choosing to act in spite of the fear.  You could say that without fear, you can't have genuine courage.  
     When you do act in courage, you discover that fear doesn't have to stop you.  You see that what you thought were your limits are more like starting points.   
     To take courage, you have to decide to go forward anyway.

Just going through the mid-twenty motions right now, but I'm definitely trying to make them forward motions.  Yay, life!  


jHust said...

thank you ;-)

Doris said...

What you thought were your limits are in reality your starting points. I like that.

I miss you :)

!Empower! said...

hooty hoo HJ! Well said! My copy of the book got shipped out already!

SuJ said...