psycho analysis of korea

i've kind of been going through this funk. i think it's a funk from finding myself at the bottom of the pit again. at a place where life starts and new foundations begin to build. it's always hard to see the view when you don't even have a structure to stand on. it's tough, but i know that in the end, i will find myself in a place where i can look down and say, "i just did that, can life get any better?" i suppose that is always the motivation to keep driving forward regardless of whatever hardships we face. though we may not see the end of the tunnel yet, we can only imagine and hope for what that feeling will be like -- that feeling of accomplishment and validation in our abilities to persevere and overcome these obstacles and challenges.

my work as a teacher is hard. i love it, but it's definitely very challenging, especially with the language barrier, and especially since they are tweenies. some days they come in so excited to learn, other days they just want to goof off. some days they seem interested and engaged, others they are distant and bored. it's hard because their levels of english vary so much. i have some 1st graders that are more advanced than my 3rd graders. as you can imagine, it's hard to make lessons that fit with everyone. it's also hard to do the same lesson 18 times using the same jokes when i know that my co-teachers have heard them at least 4 times. despite all of this, the little progress that i do see is the most amazing thing. when i hear my girl's voices echoing down the hall of things i've taught them, it makes me so happy. when i see them make the effort to speak english whenever i pass by to catch my attention, i can't help but smile. i feel so privileged to be the one that gets to teach them English. at the same time, this excitement is also a little tarnished by my apprehensions about what i'm actually doing here. hmmm, what does that mean? well let me give you a little 4-1-1 on korea and english.

as many of you may know, korea is crazy about learning english right now. for obvious reason, english gives you a competitive edge and a little more leverage in the international market. english has become the international language. why? because we, the native english speakers come from a land of power and money. everyone else is struggling to be like us. so, over 3000 native english teachers were hired by the korean government to teach in the public schools. now, we get paid pretty well, so it's hard to complain. a great salary, free housing, and practically free lunch every day at school. our schools pay for many of our basic furnishings and appliances, so we're set when we get here. president crazy-man lee has this vision of having every student fluent in english my the time they reach high school. his master plan is to have math and science taught completely in english by the year 2012ish or 15 (can't remember the exact date). seriously now? as if korean students don't have enough stress. the average korean household spends about 14 trillion won annually on private english tutoring/after school programs. in addition to how much the government alone is spending on english education, a lot of freaking money is being paid to us native english speakers. the reason i feel so apprehensive is due to what i've seen of this country so far. the president has said that the vicious cycle of poverty that exists in korea could come as a result of the english divide (between those who can afford private tutoring and those who can't). let me tell you, there is a huge gap between the wealthy and the poor in korea, and it's wicked sad. two-thirds of s. korea's population live in seoul. everyone else lives in what is non-affectionately know as the "shee ghol" - the coutryside, the boonies. it's where the poor folk live. if it's not seoul, then it's the see ghol. there is hardly a middle class in korea, which is where the problem lies. how can a government say that teaching english will bridge the divide between the poor and the rich, when it will only separate it. i was talking to one of my friends who has a friend working outside of seoul. his friend told him that many of the students outside of seoul are incredibly poor and live with their grandparents. their parents leave them to live/work in the city to try to make a living. the resources in the schools are minimal and the level of english that the students are at in comparison to their seoul counterparts are not definitely not equal. he told me that he wanted his friend to move into the city to teach, but she didn't want to because the kids outside of the city need a lot of love. so still, the ones who are really learning english are those who can afford to pay for the private classes. but how can a government, and so many families justify spending so much money towards this venture when they can't even help their poor? the welfare system here is practically non-existent. it is so sad. my heart breaks when i see the beggars in the subway stations. they are old, poor, disabled, starving, cold people living in the tunnels of this "high-tech" city. if this is how the poor are in the city, i can't even imagine what it's like in the see ghol. i understand now what professor uriu meant about korea's "growth first ideology." growth first, that's the bottom line. to be the best at any expense, even if it's their own people. korea has had to deal with a lot of catching up, and a lot of set backs along the way, which is why i feel they are so fervent in their endeavors to be so competitive at any cost. i don't know, i may be over stepping my boundaries, and i may be just speaking out of ignorance because i really have never and will never truly understand what it means and what it is to be korean. but in my opinion, this growth first ideology is all jacked up. not just in political terms, but in social terms. korea's economic growth in such a short period has really opened the flood gates. i see it as the younger, deprived child, and now that it acquired a little success, it's painting the town red. the materialism in this country is so nuts. not to say that america is any better, but seriously, korean's are obsessed with the latest fashion, the newest and coolest toys, gadgets and gizmos. you have to get the new one, the best one, the shiny one, the one that the anorexic french models are wearing. you have to mutilate your face otherwise you won't be beautiful. here's a fact for you, did you know that 1 in every 2 women in korea have had some sort of cut, sew or prick done to their face. i honestly don't care if someone choses to augment their body, it's their choice, but what does it mean when 50% of the women in a country are drastically changing their facial features all for the sake of being "the best?"

so, i don't quite know how i got to this point. but that's just my two cents for the evening.

keep the peace, spread the love! thanks for reading.

news

sleepless,
i weep less.
wondering what awaits beyond the sentence.
a present tense sculpted with hands of perfection.
it's a motion that moves a soothe so immense,
the body temperature rises.
no, raises the senses with blessing from above.
with open eyes and a fleeting heart,
the mind suddenly becomes exposed to a truth.
with a pinch of reality, and two dashes of salt,
the dish is finished.
sweet aromas consume the nostrils
and rich flavors dance on the buds
leaving the tongue yearning for more.
this is a place for the poor.
the children of lost hope find refuge in this scent.
no longer a decent,
but a consumption for comfort.
the body may starve amidst a cold world,
but the spirit will always be fed.
the years of blind wandering,
leading into alleys of pain and fear will met away
as ice on a hot summer day;
water for the flowers
to bloom in the spring of a new youth.
this is the season of rebirth ---
the year of awakening.

e-mails and spiders

sorry i haven't been posting.  been pretty busy and staying exhausted.  i don't think i've slept a full 8 hours since i've been here.  anyways, this post is dedicated to ray-ray :)  the other week a few of my girls asked me for my e-mail address.    

Dear. Hannah♥

(I made gmail today~)

Hi ! I'm Jewel kim

when you just hear my name, maybe you don't know about me.
beacause you teach hundreds of students.

I have a forelock (Is this word right? I want to say hairs that cover my forehead)
I band(?) my hair, and wear red glasses.

I can't speak English very much, so I really feel heavy(?). beacuse I can't tell you somthing. so I tried to send e-mail to tell you (beacause on e-mail, I can find dictionary) somthing. I'll write lots of e-mail about me and my life.

But I'm not good at English as you know
so I sometimes find some words in dictionary.                                                 

beacause of it, I must wrote or will write wrong words or sentences.
Could you check those thing, and tell me? or send me letters ! then I will be very happy.(It is just my hope.) 
I've naver recevied letters in English.     

When I heard that American teacher will be school, I was so excited but also worried. 

Beacause when I was 13 in English  Village, ( Engligh Village is study English  with foreigner teacher , playing games for one week or two week or one month. ) there are some not good teachers. (Of course there are super good teachers ) When white teacher who has tattoo have lost his cap, he shouted very very loudly "give me my cap in 10 second!" and he gave us red stamp.( red stamps is bad ) And there are some teachers who looking down on(?) us. they seems don't like us.

but I heard you are half korean (right?). so I feel a lot familiar.   And everybody in our school(students, even theachers-theachers talks a lot about you  in class) likes you very much. really!! our think your very pretty and nice.  when you say "Hello ladies!" my friends reaaly like this sentense. especially 인영  

we all like you!     

miss Johnson, I think it's time to stop writting this letter. bye~

SECOND E-MAIL

Hello, Miss Johnson!

This is jewel!

I was so happy to heard that you know who I am.

 

I was surprised and delighted at(Is this preposition,at is proper for 'suprised' and 'delighted'?)

your e-mail that already have arrived. The e-mail have arrived . The e-mail have arrived earlier

than I had thought. then, I cliched expecting your e-mail (Can I add v-ing to expect?  we cannot

 use v-ing love, like, hate envy etc. this kind of verbs.) It is such a kind and long e-mail.

thank you!

there are a few big words, but they didn't matter to understand what you said.

later, I found them in dictionary and tried to understand exactly again.

 

You are a Korean American!

I had thought you are a half Korean- half American. Because of your last name, Johnson.

I didn't know exactly who you are - and everybody doesn't know exactly  who you are.

Other teachers said "Maybe her mom is a Korean, she is 24-year-old(25?), she can speak

Korean a little bit, she is from California and she is first to teach in Korea "

These are all to understand you. so I was always wondering who you are.

I'd never known your Korean listening skills are good!

 

anyway, the next paragraph that I'm going to say, may seem very rude. I'm really sorry but

I belive you can understand me. I wanna tell you.

 

well..........

you said loveing in Korea will help you get better to speak in Korean.

I'm really glad becauseI feel you love Korea.

But I hope you don't learn Korean a lot from us, our school's students. We use some bad slangs

(I believe this word is proper. It is important to understand what I'm saying)

For example, '거짓말 하지마! (=you're lying!)' instead this expression, we usually say '구라치지마'

or '뻥치지마'.

Although there aren's slangs, we usually use rude Korean.

For example, '화장실 다녀왔어? (= Did you go to the bathroon?")' instead this, a few students (not

many) say '똥 싸고 왔냐?'. This sentence is very disagreeable to hear.

sometimes, some teachers say this kind of things just for fun.

 

In addition, Hong Kong actor, Jackie Chan can speaks in Korean.

The funny thing is when he speaks in Korean, he behave like a lady.

The reason is his Korean x-girlfriend who went out 8 years(?). she is a super shy girl.

So when she used korean in front of Jackie Chan, she must was very shy.

Jackie Chan learend korean to her, and speaking Korean like lady!

Since I've known this story, I think person who teach language's manner is important.

 

I know my opinion can be wrong, but I want to tell you! 

 

Oh It's time to bed ! I usually go to bed at AM 1:00~2:00, but today is holiday!

Good night! :)

 

P.S.  I think ' :) ' It is very cut. but when make it bigger than :) this size, It truns uglier than before.

Allow me to introduce my ladies :)

                                        

They are really shy about showing their faces, but don't let that deceive you, they are very devious little girls.

What could be better than going to work to see these girls every day :)  These are the 3rd graders, the 1st graders are even cuter!  (in korea you say 1st, 2nd, 3rd for middle school)

I'm too tired to go into depth about what teaching has been like.  For now, I will say that I love it so much.  Being a teacher is phenomenal.  It's challenging and stressful at times, but it's definitely been so rewarding and it's only been a month.  Hopefully this momentum doesn't lose it's zeal!

Thanks for reading.  

korea 101...from the past 2 weeks

So I was talking to my other S.M.O.E. (Seoul Metropolitan Office of Education) friends about being the "foreigner" in a different country.  It's been rather interesting to be the minority, to not be able to speak the language or order food without points and grunts, to know that every time you step onto a subway or the street people are staring at you or trying to snap a picture of you.  I guess for me it's a little bit of a different story because I am the foreigner that can't be so easily pointed out unless I open my mouth.  So in that sense, it's been interesting to watch the reactions of the people here that happen behind the backs of the Americans.  The whispers, the giggles, the straight up stares.  It's even more interesting because to some extent, I can understand what the whispering means, "why isn't she wearing a jacket with that shirt (from an old woman in disgust at the cleavage), he talks so funny (about an australian), they are so loud (because most American's are)" and so forth.

I know earlier I said that I really didn't feel like there was a huge change, but I suppose I've been realizing it a little bit more.  Back home, I remember I had to act a certain way with the Korean community.  Certain practices of respect I guess you could say.  The thing was, I didn't really have to do it all the time because we were in America and most of that stuff didn't fly.  Here it's a not a pick and choose kind of deal.  There's a lot of emphasis on respect and hierarchy.  One of the first things people will ask you when you go out with friends or something is your age.  

I went to Hongdae the other night.  It's like club central and the music is sooooo good.  Going out to the bars with a lot of foreigners in the area got me a little irritated.  By foreign I am mainly talking about Americans.  These guys were loud and rude and arrogant and messy and really took no notice of all the people they were offending.  Why is it like this?  Because as Americans, we are so privileged, the elites, the world power, and because of that, we can do whatever the heck we want.  We can go to a different country and disregard the culture and not even think twice, but when the immigrants come to America and they so much as look in the wrong direction, the attitude is always f*ck them, let's send them back to where they came from.  I guess it's unfair for me to speak for all the Americans, because I know that our whole country is not like that, and there are definitely a number of good people here who are trying to understand Korea and acclimate, but it's just too hard to disregard the others and I feel disgusted that they are the ones that leave such a bitter taste of America here.  It's always the loud ones that get remembered.  

Anyways, on to the fun stuff.

THINGS

Thing #1: Traffic laws - there are none.  Yes there are stop lights and stop signs and crosswalks, but people pretty much do whatever they want.  Pedestrians DO NOT have the right of way, if you're in the way, a car will not stop for you so you better get your ass running.  The streets here are so narrow, and it's so amazing to be that cars actually drive down them.  You literally have to hug the wall to save yourself from getting hit.  Everyone here also loves to honk their horns, scooters, cars, buses, and bikes.  Also, as far as the hierarchy of who can break the most traffic laws, if you see a bus coming, run, they do whatever the heck they want.  Drive through the crosswalks, drive on the wrong side of the rode to pass traffic, make u-turns in the middle of the street, anything goes.  

Thing #2: Ambulances - I would hate to be hurt in the back of an ambulance because I would probably die before I got to the hospital.  The ambulances here do have lights and sirens, but they don't mean anything.   Remember, the traffic rule.  Everyone here is an aggressive driver, no one will make room for you to switch lanes, and NO ONE will pull over so the ambulance can pass.

Thing #3: Drinking - Never pour your own drinks (because that is a sign that you are an alcoholic), never drink alone, never order drinks without ordering food, never order more than 1 beer or pitcher at a time, always finish your drink before you ask for someone to give you some more, always pour the drink using your left hand to support your right, always turn away from the table when you take a shot, never refuse a shot, if someone pours you one and you don't want it it's more respectful to take it and lift it when everyone takes it but then put it down, that is completely acceptable.  Never order water when you can order beer, most waiters will look at you funny if you ONLY get water.  Got that?  Good, we can move on.

Thing #4: Personal space - It doesn't exist.  The subways are crowded, the streets are crowded, the sidewalks are crowded.  Everyone is walking into each other, everyone is bumping into each other, and no one cares.  I was getting onto the bus and the bus driver slammed on the gas (which always happens so you better grab ahold of something so you don't fall) and I wasn't quite ready so I fell into a girl, I got up and apologized in Korean and she didn't even looked fazed.  It happens all the time here.  You go to the U.S. and you fall into someone, you apologize profusely.

Thing #5: People here love wearing shirts with English on them, even though they have no idea what it says.  For example: "FUCK YOU, have a nice day."  "Don't eat, do cocaine."  "I eat crap."  "Drink piss repeat (it has a different meaning when they're aren't any commas like there should be)."

Thing #6: Couples - you think Korean dramas are bad, Korea is a romantic comedy in the flesh.  Everyone is running their hands through each other's hair, holding hands, kissing, all up on each other.  It's also really popular to wear matching shirts.  I tried to snap pictures, but I thought it would be kind of weird.  I seriously could have made a whole album in one hour of walking down the street.

Thing #7: Walk on the left side, or get run over

Thing #8: I'm tired...I miss the homies.   

just going to write until i fall asleep

you can feel the ground grumble right before you see the two headlights pop out from around the corner.  as it comes to an abrupt stop, the current cant help but wisp your hair into a hundred dizzying directions.  it likes to tease you like this.  yet, it's a refreshing feeling, a prompt break from the warm damp air that consumes your pores.  the glass doors open and 100 black heads of hair spill into a clutter before you as you struggle to meet the other end of the tangle.  you step on just as the door closes to see a mass of arms clinging to the holds from the ceilings.  much like racks of meet hang at the slaughter house, the smell isn't much different.  deep breath, embrace, and off we go, traveling underground through the veins of the city.  it's the pulse -- the blood line pumping people into all directions, oozing them onto the sidewalks above.  it's rather relentless in it's prerogative.  yet this is not the only blood line existing here, i have one too, one that began long before the subways were even an idea.  

it's such a crazy feeling coming...home.  i never knew what the huff was about when people would yammer on about the motherland.  "the motherland?"  i would think.  "who really cares, you were born in america, just because your family originated from there doesn't give you the entitlement of calling it your own."  oh how wrong i was.  when i flew into seoul i looked out my window to see the imperfect rows of specks, dots, and dashes amidst the mountains and my new life that awaited me down there.  35 years ago, my mom looked out of her window to see blue skies and a frontier of possibilities that awaited her in america.  regardless of whatever challenges she faced with the clashing of cultures, she did it, she acclimated.  i supposed that's been my driving force.  i know it'll come, i'll feel the familiar, but it's just a matter of time.  i'm enjoying this time right now though.  i've still been waiting for my culture shock, but it hasn't happened.  i'm here with my people, the people that i so desperately tried to disassociate myself with growing up, all for the sake of being "american."  in seoul, we are the majority, we are the minority, we are the rich, we are the beggars, we are the trash men, we are the cooks, we are the prostitutes, we are the athletes, we are the janitors, we are the nannies, the store owners, the delivery boys, the hagglers, the gang members, the saints, the sinners, the everything.  it's such a crazy site to see, to come from a community of power dynamics based on race, to one that is not -- to go from a diverse melting pot, to a homogenous brew.  i don't know if i like it or if i don't, i haven't really decided yet, it's just different.  it's definitely difficult to get anything done because my speaking skills are so horrible.  this has allowed me to take a seat and be an observer though, which has been pretty cool.  at times it's frustrating, especially since "convenience" is not a tangible thing for me right now. i'm still learning how this society works, a civilization of shopkeepers and districts.  here, there are districts.  for example, dongdaemun is the fashion/clothing district.  you can't really find much else there.  the area i live in is a warehouse district, the shops distributes to big stores, so the majority of the shops sell in bulk.  in other parts there is a street that sells only fire extinguishers, there's one that only sells pets.  it's really fascinating.  i see the remnants of the villages from korea's history in this high tech city.  interesting as it is, you can understand how this can be a little frustrating.  

my friends and i were trying to buy things for our apartments.  nothing too crazy, just extention coords, hangers, some clothes, things like that.  unfortunately costco was closed when we had hit the streets, so we figured we could just pick them up somewhere else.  ha!  we spent the majority of the afternoon walking in huge circles looking for a store that sold hangers.  we should have been thinking a little harder.  remember the word "district"?  well, we found a belt area, which turned into a racket area (tennis, badminton), which turned into a pajama area, which then led us to a corner with a store FULL of hangers.  i bought a pack of 100 for 20000 won (about $20).  as we left the store and turned the corner, there were at least 5 other stores that sold hangers.  it was a site to see.  regular plastic hangers, big hangers, small hangers, bedazzled hangers, every kind of hanger you could imagine to put your coat, sock, pants on.  the only downside about finally finding them: i had to lug a pack of 100 hangers all the way back to my friend's apt, then onto the subway with 2 transfers.  that was pretty comical, and yes, it is heavier than it looks.                         

so it's almost 3:00am on monday morning.  i should be sleeping, but i needed to get my apt in order before i could sleep.  it's really weird being completely on my own.  yeah i have friends around here, but the closest one is 15 minutes on the subway.  yeah...no other words to really describe it, just weird.  i miss all my friends!  i can't wait until i get used to this place because then i'll finally be able to sleep a whole night through, until then, look forward to more early morning delirious posts.  cheers!

i have to end on a cute note.  these little ones were literally 2.5 ft tall and they were scaling a huge mountain of stairs.  they looked like little red ants hobbling up the incline.  they would get distracted when we waved and bump into each other...probably not the best thing to distract them, but they were so freaking adorable! (the whole length was probably 5 times this photo, don't know how they did it, i almost died myself).